A Failure to Communicate
by babycakes14
Summary: The Order of the Phoenix knows there's a spy in their ranks, and all of them, even Sirius, suspect Remus. But why?
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer:**

I do not own anything related to Harry Potter. I've written J.K. Rowling and asked if I could adopt them, but she hasn't written me back yet, so I'm guessing the answer is no...

CHAPTER 1

Sirius sat with his knees on his elbows and his face in his hands. It was ridiculous for him to be nervous. He was no longer a student, and Dumbledore was no longer his Headmaster. Sirius knew this, but he couldn't ignore the fear and apprehension that was gnawing on his insides.

_Dammit, why am I so afraid?_

Dumbledore had asked him to meet him here, at headquarters, an hour before the Order's meeting started, and Sirius was involuntarily reminded of the countless times he had been sent to Dumbledore's office as a child. He knew that this time he had done nothing wrong, but he was still afraid.

So why was he so afraid?

Because Remus hadn't come home last night.

Or the night before that.

Or the night before that.

In fact, Remus hadn't been home in a month. Most of his absence could be attributed to the mission Dumbledore had given him. Sirius knew next to nothing about this "mission," but he knew it must have something to do with the Underworld, because Remus, their resident werewolf, was the only one qualified for such jobs. But Sirius knew one thing for sure: Remus and Dumbledore had both assured him that Remus would be back home by Halloween, and it was November 7th.

So, why was Sirius so nervous for Dumbledore to walk through that door?

Because he knew exactly what Dumbledore was going to say.

_Remus is missing..._

_Remus was captured..._

_Remus betrayed us..._

_Remus is dead... _

Those were the options. Sirius knew that some were worse than others, that some would hurt more. But, essentially, they all meant the same thing:

_Remus isn't coming back._

He'd been thinking these thoughts for the last week, always in the same order, and always with the same conclusion. And every time he got to the end, he thought he would be sick: throw up, or pass out, or just flat break down. He'd also been thinking that maybe if he knew, if he just knew what had happened to his lover, then maybe he'd be okay. Well... not _okay,_ but he might not go insane.

But as he heard footsteps approaching, Sirius realized that, knowing what happened or not, without Remus, he'd go insane.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Albus Dumbledore entered the room before Sirius was ready to be seen. He was still hunched over, looking wretched and miserable. He wasn't quite crying, but his eyes were red and wet, and the way his breath hitched in his throat every time he inhaled told Dumbledore that the young man was inches away from the edge. He felt a pang in his stomach. What he was about to say wouldn't help.

Sirius' head jerked up at the sound of the door opening, but he didn't turn his head to look. He knew who it was.

He didn't move as Dumbledore walked around the table and sat in a chair opposite Sirius. He held his head up, but he couldn't look the old man in the eye, not without completely losing it. He could imagine the look on Dumbledore's face, and to see an expression so sad and despondent in those twinkling blue eyes would be more than Sirius could bear.

After a few moments silence, Sirius couldn't stand it anymore. "So?" he asked, in a detached sort of way. "Where is he?"

"We don't know," Dumbledore replied quietly.

"He's missing?"

"No," the old man sighed. "He was... found out. He's currently being held prisoner. If I knew where he was, we wouldn't be here talking."

"How do you know?" Sirius asked, now meeting Dumbledore's eyes. "How do you know they didn't just kill him?"

"I received a message late last night- or early this morning, whichever way you wish to think about it. To my surprise it was from Voldemort himself. The message stated that he had captured Remus, but had no intention of killing him."

"But... why?" Sirius stuttered. "Why would Voldemort want him alive?"

"The message stated, and I quote, 'For entertainment purposes,'"

Sirius squeezed his eyes shut and put his face back in his hands, but he didn't make a sound. Werewolf baiting wasn't unheard of, but that didn't make it any easier to bear.

"I know he plans to interrogate him about the Order: its members, its plans, that's obvious. But I have faith in Remus; he won't crack. No, I believe his true intention is torment," Dumbledore continued. "Voldemort is not unintelligent. He knows how close you and Remus are, he knows how close Remus and the Potters are. He knows that Remus has friends in the Order, and he is chipping away at our morale in anyway he can."

"So what are we going to do?" Sirius' voice was hoarse, his throat tight. He could hold it together though, at least until Dumbledore left him alone.

"We are looking for him, Sirius," Dumbledore assured him.

Sirius nodded. He knew that. He knew everyone wanted Remus back. Everyone loved Remus; you couldn't help but love him once you met him. This was the first time Sirius damned his lover's charisma. If he wasn't so well loved maybe Voldemort wouldn't have even bothered with him. Maybe he'd be home right now-

"Sirius, are you listening?"

Sirius' head jerked up and he glanced around the room distractedly. "No, I'm sorry. What was that?"

"I said, please don't try anything yourself. I have faith in your abilities, but you'll only manage to get yourself captured. I assure you, as soon as we have a lead, you will know."

Surprisingly, Sirius nodded.

Dumbledore sighed and nodded back. "Now, would you like me to tell the Potters, or do you want to do it yourself?"

"I'll tell them," Sirius almost choked; his throat had grown even tighter.

"Very well. I'm sorry, Sirius, but I have other matters to attend to before the meeting starts..." he trailed off, standing up.

"Of course," Sirius said. Dumbledore nodded and walked toward the door, but before he could step through it Sirius asked, suddenly, "Can I see it?"

"See what?" Dumbledore turned to look at him.

"The message," Sirius said. "Can I see it?"

The old man hesitated. "I don't think you should. There's nothing in it you don't already know, but it was extremely... unpleasant. I don't see how it would help. I'm very sure it would only make things harder for you." With that, Dumbledore turned and exited the room.

If anything, Dumbledore describing the message as 'unpleasant' made Sirius feel worse. He could only imagine the things Remus would be suffering, was probably suffering right now.

After a moment of dark contemplation Sirius stood and left the little room. He needed to find Lily, James, and Peter before the meeting started.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

"Padfoot, mate, are you alright?"

"Sirius?"

Lily and James Potter stood at the bottom of the steps staring at their friend. Sirius stood leaning against the side of the little house that served as HQ for the Order of the Phoenix. He had a unlit cigarette dangling from his lips; his eyes were red, and his face was as white as a sheet.

"Sirius?" Lily repeated. He seemed to snap out of his reverie and looked at her. "What's wrong?"

"Umm..." Sirius muttered, and cleared his throat, but he couldn't get the words to come out.

"Remus isn't back yet, is he?" James asked, visibly upset.

"No," Sirius whispered quietly. "Remus... umm... he won't be coming home," Sirius didn't need to look at them to know what expressions their faces would be wearing. James would be standing there dumbly, his mouth open, arms hanging limply at his sides. Lily's eyes would be wide and brimming with tears. He didn't need to look, but Lily's gasp made him look anyway.

He was right.

"What... what happened? When did you find out?" James stuttered.

Sirius told them of his conversation with Dumbledore a few minutes previously. He didn't leave out a word; he didn't need to. When he finished James breathed a sigh of... relief?

"What?" Sirius asked, incredibly irritated.

"Well, he'd not dead, is he?" James said. Yes that was definitely relief in his voice.

"No, but he might as well be," Sirius spat. "After the Death Eaters have their sick way with him, he'll probably be wishing he was."

"If he's not dead, we can find him," James said earnestly. "We can save him." After Sirius shook his head in disbelief, James continued. "I know what you're thinking, Sirius. You think he'll be dead before we can get to him. But for God's sake, the man's a bloody _werewolf._ Notoriously hard to kill, they are." James had meant it as a joke, and was rewarded when Sirius... well, he didn't smile exactly, but his face softened a bit. His eyes lost a little of their coldness.

"Remus isn't the type to just give up and die, Sirius," Lily said, walking up the steps to face him. "He knows we'll be looking for him. More than that, _you_ will be looking for him."

Sirius nodded and looked down, his shoulders hunching miserably. That was the last thing he needed: to know that Remus was counting on him; Remus was waiting, needing to be saved by him; Remus' life depended on him. It wasn't that Sirius didn't want to try, or that he wouldn't try, (because he would), but to let Remus down when he was counting on him the most... He didn't think he could survive if he failed.

"C'mon, mate," James said, putting a hand on Sirius' shoulder. "We'll be late for the meeting."

Sirius nodded, and without looking at them, turned and opened the door.


	2. Chapter 2

CHAPTER 2

The cold stone against Remus' face was soothing. His arms were tied behind his back, his hands were numb from lack of blood flow, and he was so exhausted he could have slept for days. Sadly, he couldn't. The pain was too much.

Remus was no stranger to physical pain. As a werewolf, it was a very large part of his life. He could tolerate beatings, even the Cruciatis curse paled in comparison to the pain he went through once a month.

Fenrir Greyback was evil; Remus had always known that. Brutalities were expected of him, and since Remus had fooled him, tricked him into believing they were on the same side, Remus had not been surprised at the intensity of his anger. He'd also expected the Death Eaters to be vicious and cruel, and was not in the least bit affected by their laughter as he writhed in pain under their curses.

But Lucius Malfoy was one sadistic bastard.

_Remus felt the skin break as he fell to his knees on the hard stone floor. He shivered as Lucius Malfoy circled him, his eyes crawling over every inch of Remus' bare skin. They'd taken his clothes, part of their plan to keep him as humiliated and downtrodden as possible. His body still ached ached from the beating Fenrir had given him earlier. He was quite sure he had at least two broken ribs. A sharp jolt of pain raced through his body every time he inhaled. He closed his eyes and concentrated on keeping his breathing light._

_Suddenly, Malfoy grabbed a handful of his hair and jerked his head back hard enough to make Remus cry out. Lucius laughed. _

_"Now, now, little wolf, if I didn't know any better, I'd think you weren't enjoying our... game," Remus felt a jolt of panic as featherlight fingers began to slide their way down from his throat, to his chest, and further... Since when had Malfoy been kneeling behind him? What the hell was planning to do?_

_This question was answered when Lucius forced Remus' knees apart with his own and pressed up against him-_

Remus squeezed his eyes shut tighter and concentrated on the feeling of the cool stone against his cheek. It worked. His heart stopped pounding quite so hard, and his breathing slowed. He was able to detach himself from most of the pain. He realized bitterly that if he hadn't fought so hard earlier, he wouldn't have been in as much pain as he was now. But he decided his pride wasn't something he was ready to sacrifice for the sake of comfort. He didn't know where he was or how long he'd been there. He'd passed out before Lucius had finished with him, and had only just woken up.

Remus was almost calm enough to fall back asleep when he heard a door slam. He tried to turn his head toward the sound, but that required actually lifting his head, something he didn't have the strength to do. Besides, it would have been pointless anyway. Death Eaters had decided he needed to be blindfolded.

He heard someone enter the room, heard their footsteps coming closer. He didn't move even when they stopped inches from him. Remus pretended to be asleep, pretended he was dreaming. Why not? He sure as hell wished he was dreaming. He wished he was at home, in bed, with Sirius' arm slung over his waist-

His visitor decided to wake him with a savage kick in the ribs. Remus gasped and rolled onto his side, breathless and dizzy from the sheer, stupid pain of it. He was sure now that the number of broken ribs had risen from two to three at the very least.

"Did that hurt, pet?" Lucius Malfoy drawled.

Remus, still gasping for air, didn't take the time to think about lying. He nodded, and felt Lucius' featherlight fingers sliding down his ribcage, along his waist, on his hip...

He jerked away from that deceivingly gentle touch and instantly regretted it as a new wave of pain crashed over his body. Lucius grabbed his upper arm in a vice-like grip and hauled him upwards. Remus scrambled to get his feet under him. He realized he didn't need to when Lucius pinned him against the wall with enough force too keep him there without the help of Remus' legs.

"We're going to have a little chat, Lupin," Lucius hissed into his ear. "You're going to tell me all about your little friends, and their little club. You're going to tell me everything you learned in the Underworld and why Dumbledore sent you down there in the first place. But first-" Lucius spun Remus around so his chest and stomach were pressed into the wall. "First, you and I are going to have a bit of fun." Remus shuddered as Lucius licked a long wet path from the base of his neck to his ear. "Maybe it will loosen your tongue a bit."

Remus didn't need to see the smirk on Lucius' face to know it was there.


	3. Chapter 3

CHAPTER 3

Sirius, James, and Lily entered the crowded kitchen. The house that served as the Order's headquarters had previously been owned by an elderly muggle couple. As a result everything was worn, but clean, and well taken care of.

The people who had gotten there early sat in the chairs around the tiny little table. Everyone else either stood or sat on the counter tops. They were all talking quietly, waiting for the meeting to start. The three friends received some nods, a few waves, but not much else because just then Dumbledore cleared his throat, unofficially calling the meeting to order.

As Dumbledore talked, Sirius let his mind wander. Occasionally he would come back to reality, to see if the topic of conversation was important enough so make himself pay attention. No, that wasn't quite true. It was all important, how could it not be? But there was a difference between important and important-to-Sirius. Making sure the McKinnons went into hiding safely was important. Finding Remus was important-to-Sirius.

Dimly, he registered the fact that Peter had entered the room. That man was never on time to anything... not to order meetings, not to work, hell, he'd even been late to Lily & James' _wedding._ Sirius sighed, shook his head, and slipped back into his reverie.

It was odd how one thing could completely change a person's point of view. Sirius knew- had always known- that this war was real. He knew that people died, people went missing. But he'd never actually _realized_ just how real it all was. He'd been given plenty of examples: Caradoc Dearborn was missing, the Prewett brothers were dead, even his own stupid, idiotic, kid brother had fallen prey to this war. But it hadn't dawned on him just _how_ real this war was until Remus had gone missing.

The first night- the night Remus was supposed to get home- Sirius had been worried, but not extremely so. He had been gone for long periods of time before and was late getting back often. No big deal.

The second night, he'd fallen asleep, though it was a little harder to do so than usual. His sleep was filled with dreams that he couldn't quite remember when he'd woken up in the morning. But the very fact that he'd had dreams was odd. Unlike Remus, he hardly ever dreamt.

The third night he'd turned down James' invitation to dinner with him, Lily, Peter, and Harry. Normally Sirius would not have given up the chance to see his godson- the little devil was growing on him- but he wanted to stay home just in case Remus got home.

By the fourth night there was a constant ache in his chest, like someone had driven a couple of stakes into his sternum and was now prying his ribcage apart.

On the fifth night Sirius had written Dumbledore a letter asking if he knew where Remus was. Dumbledore had replied immediately, but was not in the least bit reassuring:

_I'm sure Remus is fine._

The sixth and seventh nights Sirius hadn't been able to sleep. He'd alternated between tossing restlessly in bed, and smoking a cigarette in the kitchen (Remus hated it when he smoked in the bedroom), staring at the front door to their flat.

And now, here he was on the eighth night, at an Order meeting, not paying attention, not caring, hardly even thinking. His brain had gotten on one of those little tracks as it so often did. This one was very short, and stopped as abruptly as it would have, had it hit a brick wall.

_They have Remus..._

_I have to find him, I have to save him..._

_Where do I look?_

_Who do I talk to?_

That's about as far as it went. Every time he got to the end, his brain stuttered a little and started back at the beginning. He didn't have the answers he needed, the answers _Remus_ needed. And the one person who could find these answers was currently talking about flushing out the spy they knew worked in the Auror office at the Ministry.

What the hell did that matter?

It didn't. It didn't matter at all when Remus was somewhere alone, in pain, being tortured and tormented and God knows what else-

Sirius' brain froze for a moment, a sudden realization too much for him to comprehend all in one moment.

... A spy?

If there was a spy in the Ministry- and they knew there was- then there could very easily be a spy in the Order... right here in this room. It was a possibility that had been acknowledged before, but never really pursued, there being a lack of evidence that one even existed. But if there was a spy... That would answer a lot of questions Sirius had been mulling over the last few days. One of the most prominent was: _How did they catch him?_

"And the most distressing news of the week, is that Remus Lupin has been captured," At the mention of Remus, Dumbledore's voice finally broke through the haze clouding Sirius' mind. Instantly his head came up, as he room was filled with shocked murmurs and whispers. Several sad, pitying glances were thrown in Sirius' direction. Everything froze, however, when Mad-Eye moody asked the simplest, most obvious question.

"How?"

No one had an answer.

"How was he caught?" Mad-Eye repeated.

After another moment of silence, Sirius said quietly, "It's not his fault,"

"Sirius..." He turned his head to look into James' sorrowful, hazel eyes. "No one's blaming him, we just need to know-"

"No, James," Sirius interrupted angrily. "I mean he didn't get caught because of something _he_ did." When James gave him a confused look, he continued. "Think about it. We've known Remus for almost ten years now. You know how careful he is. You know how good of a liar he can be when he sets his mind to it, how convincing, how real he can make his lie seem. It was _not_ his fault he was caught. He's too smart for that. It was someone else's."

"You think there's a spy?" Peter asked, his voice pitched curiously high, like it always was when he was nervous or scared. He was surprised that Peter was the first to understand the point he was trying to make, but Sirius didn't blame him for being scared. The possibility of a traitor in their midst was enough to frighten anyone.

"I do," Sirius said with conviction. "Everyone in this room knows about Remus'... condition. And we haven't exactly been secretive about his trips to the Underworld, who he meets there, or what he's found out. No one outside of the Order knew, at least until he was caught." Sirius trailed off miserably.

"Sadly, that is the conclusion I came to as well," Dumbledore sighed.

"Who is it, though?" Frank Longbottom asked.

"If we knew, we wouldn't be sitting here talking about it, now would we?" Mad-Eye growled.

"At the moment we have more pressing matters," Dumbledore said over Frank's angry, mumbled retort. "We don't know where Remus is being held, or their exact motive for keeping him alive-"

"He's alive?" Peter blurted out. "Why didn't they just kill him?"

His insensitivity earned him a glare from everyone in the room.

"As I was saying," Dumbledore continued. "We do not know anything about the situation other than the fact that Remus is being held prisoner. Sirius is right; there is a spy in our midst. So, all I can tell you is to keep your eyes and ears open for anything peculiar, and to remind you that anyone may be compromised. Watch what you say, and who you say it to."

And with that ominous note, the meeting was adjourned.

"Why didn't you tell me?" Peter asked indignantly as people started to clear out of the small kitchen.

"I was going to, Pete, before the meeting, but you were late," Sirius said.

"Oh," was his only reply.

James, Lily, Sirius, and Peter stood there for a moment, looking at each other awkwardly. "Well..." Lily said. "What are you two doing tonight?"

"I'm supposed to go eat dinner with my mum," Peter shrugged, then glanced at his watch. "Bloody hell! I'm late. I have to go." and he was out the door without another word.

"What about you, mate?" James asked Sirius. "Want to come over for dinner?"

"Thanks, but no. I'm just gonna go home," Sirius sighed. He knew what they were doing. They didn't want to leave him alone. Truthfully, Sirius didn't want to _be_ alone, but he was going to be there, just in case. If by some miracle Remus found his way home, Sirius was going to be there.

"You sure?" Lily asked as they started to make their way to the front door. "I think Harry misses you."

Sirius gave her a ghost of a grin. "Thanks, but yeah. I'm sure."

"Alright," Lily sighed. "If you change your mind, just come on over."

"Thanks, Lily." She smiled at him, took a few steps away, spun on her heel and with a pop, disappeared.

James put a hand on his shoulder and squeezed gently. "See you tomorrow, then?"

"Yeah," Sirius nodded. James nodded back and followed his wife.

Sirius turned and started walking. It wasn't that he couldn't Disapperate. He could. But he didn't want to. He needed to think, and walking always helped Remus to do so, (or so he claimed). So Sirius decided to give it a try. He put a cigarette in his mouth and actually remembered to light it this time. Maybe Remus hadn't been lying about this walking business after all.


	4. Chapter 4

CHAPTER 4

Sirius had never felt so helpless in his entire life. When Mrs. Potter had gotten sick, when he'd heard Regulus had joined the Death Eaters, and even the one time he'd watched Remus transform, his bones breaking and reforming beneath his skin, Sirius had felt some type of control, even an ounce of hope. He'd had complete confidence that the healers would cure Mrs. Potter. He'd known that Reggie was a lost cause long before he'd joined Voldemort, and he'd known that soon the transformation would be over and Remus' screams would no longer be filling his ears.

But now he didn't know where Remus was. He didn't know what was happening to him, he didn't know if he would ever see him again. Hell, he didn't even know of Remus was still alive.

And there was absolutely nothing he could do about it.

When Dumbledore had said they'd look for Remus, Sirius had assumed he would be a part of the effort. Dumbledore disagreed.

_"So?" Sirius asked as he sat in a chair in front of the Headmasters desk._

_"Sirius..." Dumbledore sighed. "I told you, I'd let you know when we found anything. And we haven't. Otherwise I would have contacted you immediately."_

_"I figured as much," Sirius said frowning. "What I mean is: So, what do you want me to do?"_

_"Do?" Dumbledore said, puzzled._

_"Yeah, what do I need to do to help you find Remus?"_

_"Ah... I thought I explained this to you. We are leaving the task of finding Remus to people who are less... emotionally involved."_

_"Emotionally involved?" Sirius asked, his temper spiking. "Why? What good does that do?"_

_"You, Sirius, and the Potters, and even little Mr. Pettigrew, would take incredibly ridiculous risks to save Remus, wouldn't you?" Dumbledore raised his white eyebrows. _

_"Of course we would!" Sirius cried, indignantly. "We'd die for him, if it came to that!"_

_"And what good would that do, Sirius?" came the old man's quiet question. Without giving Sirius a chance to answer he continued. "Absolutely none, as far as the Order is concerned. Instead of losing only one, we could lose two, or three, or even four... Do you really think Remus would want you all to die for him?"_

_Sirius knew that Remus wouldn't want that at all, stupid, selfless, beautiful git that he was. He let out a frustrated sigh and ran a hand through his hair. _

_"I will keep you posted, Sirius," Dumbledore promised. "But for now, do us all a favor, and go get some sleep."_

Sirius had left without further complaint, and had even slept, even though it was more because of sheer exhaustion than anything else. The nights before he'd gotten a total of _maybe_ two hours of sleep.

Now here he was on December 1st, two weeks after that conversation with Dumbledore, and over a month since the first night Remus hadn't come home, and all he was capable of doing was pacing. Back and forth he went, as far as he could in the kitchen of their little flat. He was waiting for the daily owl Dumbledore sent him regarding the search for Remus. The last few weeks the message had been the same every day. Sirius did not want to get his hopes up, but as he glanced out the window and saw a spec quickly approaching, he couldn't help the feeling from burgeoning in his chest.

He had the window open and ready for Dumbledore's owl, and when it had landed on the table Sirius ripped the piece of parchment off its leg none to gently. It took off with an indignant squawk. Sirius paid it no attention. His fingers had gone numb, and his throat had grown tight. He had been so stupid... stupid, stupid, _stupid_, to think that today's message would be any different from any of its predecessors. He blinked furiously against the hotness growing in his eyes and threw the little note onto the counter with all the others, reading:

_Nothing to report._

_- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - _

Remus sighed to himself as he heard the door open. No doubt it was another nameless Death Eater here to torture and question him. He was a bit surprised (yet relieved) by the fact that Voldemort's best method of torture was the Cruciatus curse. Beating the living shit out of him was a close second. Remus was proud that the torture affected him so minutely. Yes, he screamed and writhed on the floor when they cursed him, and he flinched and winced when they beat him, (the morning after his transformation had been hell), but afterwards he was always able to ignore the bruises and the soreness. And he hadn't spilled one iota of information.

Yes, on the whole, Remus was rather proud of himself.

The only time the Death Eaters had truly hurt him- well, two times actually- was when Lucius had... visited him. But that was ages ago. In his pitch black cell Remus had no way to tell time, but he could feel the pull of the moon and by judging the intensity of it he knew he'd been a captive for a little over a month. He hadn't seen Lucius since his first couple days here.

But as he heard the boots clicking on the stone floor, Remus felt a little prickle of apprehension. That prickle turned into a tidal wave of fear as he felt fingers ghost over his cheek and then trail down his back.

_Speak of the Devil and he shall come._

"Hello, pet," Lucius whispered in his ear. There was a short _snap_ and with a shock Remus realized that Lucius had cut the ropes tying his hands behind his back. He winced as his arms fell forward- he hadn't been untied since the full moon when the wolf had broken the ropes. Lucius grabbed a handful of hair and drug him upward. He tried to support himself with his arms, but they were shaking too badly to be of any use. Lucius set him so he was sitting up, his back pressed against the wall, and crouched down to look the werewolf in the eyes.

"My friends tell me you've been giving them the silent treatment," Lucius smirked. "You weren't so quiet last time I saw you." His grip in Remus' hair tightened. "Any particular reason as to the sudden change of heart?"

"I suppose I just don't have anything to say," Remus' voice was hoarse from lack of use, but he got the message across, and the attitude was not lost on Lucius. He backhanded him for his insolence, and Remus' mouth was instantly filled with the bitter, metallic taste of blood.

"How dare you speak to me?" Lucius spat. "I shouldn't be surprised though, with Dumbledore and all of your demented little friends filling your head with all this rubbish about you being _one of them_, an _equal_. But we both know what you are, don't we, Lupin?" He wrapped his long fingers around Remus' neck. Remus squeezed his eyes shut from the pain, which was what Lucius had intended. The man's defiant gaze unsettled him. "You are an animal," Lucius continued. "And you know as well as I do that animals are either wild, savage beasts, or pets. Which are you?"

Lupins eyes opened and he gave Lucius a look of such fury and hate that Lucius almost faltered. He was not used to his toys showing such animosity.

"I think you're a pet. The resident werewolf," he snorted with laughter. "But more than anything you're _Sirius'_ pet aren't you? His little fuck-toy-"

"You shut your goddamn mouth, Malfoy," Remus spat, twisting around in Lucius' grip, who pulled him away from the wall by the throat and them slammed him back against it, knocking the breath out of him.

"See, Lupin? That's your problem. These people have made you believe that what you say matters." Lucius ran his thumb over his prisoner's lips. "But that mouth of yours is really only good for one thing." He stood, dragging Remus up by the hair until he was kneeling in front of him. Lucius' other hand was busy with the button and zipper on his trousers. Remus, realizing what was going to happen, renewed his struggle to break away. Lucius tightened the grip he had on Remus' hair, pulled his already hard cock out, and pressed the tip to the struggling man's lips.

"Open,"

"Mmmph," came the reply from behind clenched teeth.

Lucius yanked his head back so far Remus was sure his neck would snap. He let out a little gasp which the other man took advantage of; he shoved himself so far into Remus' mouth that Remus gagged and choked. Lucius pulled out and thrust in again.

Remus fought hard to keep the panic from consuming him. He couldn't breathe. He was going to choke to death on this bastard's cock, and from the way Lucius was thrusting in and out of his mouth, as hard as he possibly could, Remus could tell that's what he wanted...

He had only ever given one blow-job before, and that was to Sirius. Afterward, Remus had decided that he really hadn't enjoyed it that much and Sirius had said something along the lines of: _"That's all right, love. If you didn't like it, I won't ask you to do it again,"_ and he hadn't.

Lucius wasn't asking. Up above Remus somewhere he was moaning, but not asking.

Remus' panic turned to anger, and he decided he was not going to kneel there and take it like a good little pet. So the next time Lucius thrust as far into his mouth as he could manage, Remus bit down as hard as he could.

For the second time that night, Remus' mouth was filled with the taste of blood, but he decided that the taste of blood was better than the taste of Lucius' cock.

Besides, the squeal was worth it.

When Remus relaxed his jaw, Lucius stumbled backward and fell on his ass. He rolled onto his back where he writhed in agony, sobbing and cursing, and Remus barely suppressed a laugh. After several long moments Lucius managed to pull himself up by using the wall and half stumbled, half fell out the door of Remus' tiny cell.

Remus sat down and leaned against the wall, suddenly feeling sick to his stomach. Perhaps that hadn't been the best thought out plan. Lucius was sure to return and be downright pissed when he did. Remus knew he would suffer for what he just did, and the type of suffering Lucius could cause was the one kind Remus wasn't so sure he could take.


	5. Chapter 5

CHAPTER 5

Sirius lay in bed long after he woke up, allowing himself ample time for his morning brood. Todays topic was "Suicide During the Holidays." He knew that the suicide rate rose dramatically during the holiday season, but for the longest time he didn't understand why. Everyone was happy come Christmas time. The world was filled with peace and love and good will toward men and all that other crap. You got a few days off work. Sirius even thought listening to holiday songs instead of the usual selection played on the radio was tolerable for a few days.

But when he rolled over and saw that the other side of the bed was still unoccupied, Sirius began to understand what drove people to suicide during the happiest time of year. It was loneliness.

While everyone was busy opening presents on Christmas morning, surrounded by their loved ones, some people were alone. Some were wondering if they were ever going to see their loved one ever again. Some were more likely than not either being tortured into insanity, or already dead and at bottom of the river.

Sirius rolled over even further, so that he was sprawled across Remus' side of the bed, and buried his face in Remus' pillow, trying desperately not to remember what he'd been doing exactly one year ago. But, like everything else in his life recently, he couldn't control it.

_He sat on the edge of the bed in his boxer shorts, staring at a sleeping Remus. His eyes traced the bruises on his face and arms and shoulders, the long, thin lines of scars trailing down his back before disappearing beneath the sheets. He called himself pathetic for doing something so incredibly sappy was watching Remus sleep, but he truly couldn't help it. _

_The night before- Christmas Eve, of all nights- had been a full moon, and now an exhausted Remus was sleeping it off, much like one might sleep off a hangover. They had been invited to the Potter's for Christmas, of course. But Sirius wasn't about to wake Remus. If they didn't make it, they didn't make it. James and Lily would understand. _

_So now, at 3 o'clock in the afternoon, Sirius sat watching his love sleep. There was no way in Hell he'd let Remus wake up alone on Christmas. _

_Remus scowled and sighed like he always did when he was waking up. Without opening his eyes he said "Sirius?" His tone of voice suggested that he half expected Sirius to be gone._

_"Yes, Moony?"_

_Remus' eyes flew open. "What are you doing here?" The anxiety was clear in his voice. "I thought you were going to James and Lily's,"_

_"We are going to James and Lily's." Sirius said, placatingly. "If you want to, that is. I wasn't about to go and leave you alone on Christmas," he added when he saw Remus' worried look._

_"But," Remus rolled over and sat up a bit too fast. He winced before continuing. "It must be so boring sitting here by yourself. I don't want to ruin your Christmas, Padfoot, that's why I told you to go and not worry about me."_

_"And I'm telling you," Sirius said, "not to worry about it. I wasn't bored, and I wasn't alone, was I? You're here,"_

_"I hardly think a sleeping werewolf counts as company," Remus scowled._

_"It counts, believe me," Sirius grinned._

_"You're such a romantic," Remus grinned back. "You were watching me sleep, weren't you?"_

_"Yes," Sirius' smile turned from an ornery grin to a sheepish little half smile. _

_"Sappy, Sirius. Very sappy." Remus pulled him in for short, chaste kiss. When they pulled away from each other, Remus sighed._

_"I'm sorry, love, but I'm too tired. I don't think I can make it to James and Lily's. You go and have fun."_

_"I'm not leaving you alone on Christmas," Sirius said determinedly as he slipped under the covers alongside Remus. _

_"I don't want to ruin-"_

_"You're not ruining anything," Sirius said firmly. "Now stop complaining and snuggle with me."_

_"Yes, sir," Remus chuckled and scooted closer._

So far, that had definitely been the best Christmas of Sirius' life. As he got older he was constantly being amazed by the fact that it was the simple things that made him happy. And there was nothing simpler nor more amazing than just lying in bed all day, holding Remus, who, of course, felt guilty that he had ruined Sirius' Christmas and had made it up to him the next night with some of the best sex Sirius could remember having.

But today was looking like the _worst_ Christmas ever. Once again, he had been invited over to the Potters, and this year he would go. He would do anything to not be alone, to distract him from that huge, aching void in his chest. He glanced at the clock. 10:45 a.m. They would be awake by now. Didn't most families wake up really freaking early on Christmas morning to open presents? It was Harry's first Christmas, but the little guy was only five months old. He probably didn't even know today was special.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

There came a time, quite a while after Remus bit Lucius, when Remus' survival instinct overrode his pride and dignity and anger. If Remus really thought about it, he could probably tell you exactly when it happened, who'd been hurting him, and what they'd been doing, but that wasn't a night he wanted to think about.

He'd felt it happen though. It was like something had flipped over in his brain and he'd realized that fighting earned him nothing but more pain, and since they weren't planning on killing him anytime soon, the amount of said pain could be infinite. So he'd quit fighting.

They hadn't broken him. He wasn't submitting, exactly; he just was being smart. Yes, there was something romantic about holding onto your defiance until the bitter end, but in all honesty that was just flat _stupid._ Remus was a lot of things, but stupid wasn't one of them. He'd realized that if he was going to keep his sanity and self-control (which he had to do to if he wanted to protect his friends,) he had to minimize the pain, and to minimize the pain he had to stop fighting.

Lucius had returned no less than three hours after Remus bit him. A quick healing spell and an embarrassed, muttered explanation was all it had taken for Lucius to get permission to do whatever he wanted with the werewolf.

Now, at least a month later, Remus was still suffering from the consequences of that split-second decision.

He was on his knees with his hands tied behind his back and his face pressed into the floor. His ass was sticking up in the air like some kind of perverted, humiliating offering. A bar connected the shackles that were just below his knees, spreading him wide for Lucius' enjoyment.

And Lucius _was_ enjoying himself. Remus could tell, because every blow of the riding crop was harder than the last- something that only happened when Lucius was getting excited. Remus was gasping in pain and he wanted to grit his teeth against the pain that was burning its way in towards his bones, but he'd been forced to wear a ring gag almost constantly since he bit Lucius, and biting down on the metal circle just hurt his teeth and made his jaw ache even more.

The next blow hit his perineum particularly hard and Remus couldn't stop a whimper from escaping his open mouth. Satisfied that he'd finally gotten a reaction from his toy, Lucius knelt behind him and raked his fingernails over the bright red, burning cheeks.

This was the part where Remus wanted to cry and scream and beg Lucius to please just spit on his cock first, please, dear God, don't put it in him dry again. But he never did. Besides, all that would ever come out of his wide open mouth was jumbled up mush, barely words at all.

Lucius thrust into him and was delighted by the scream that tore its way out of Remus' throat. "You want me to stop, pet?" Lucius asked, still moving against him. "Ask me nicely and I might. The one thing I want to hear more than your screams is you begging. So go on, dog. _Beg."_

Remus just squeezed his eyes shut and tried to control his breathing.

He would not beg.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

As their laughter died down, Sirius felt the scowl creep back onto his face. All day his smiles had been fake, his laughs forced, he didn't want to ruin their first Christmas with their son with his bad mood.

"Sirius, mate, come on," James said, slightly exasperated. "Lighten up a little, will you?" he smiled to soften it.

"Yeah," Sirius sighed and rubbed his face with his hands. "Yeah, James, I'm sorry. It's just... weird having Christmas without Moony, y'know?"

Yeah, it was weird. Not to mention difficult, gut-wrenching, and bloody miserable, but he wasn't about to say that to James.

James snorted. "C'mon, Padfoot. That's all you've been thinking about for the last two months. Honestly, you've become a bit obsessive-"

_"Obsessive?"_ Sirius snarled. He brought his head up to glare at James.

"Yes. Obsessive," James continued bravely. "I think you need to relax a bit. You're not the same Sirius anymore. You're always moody and angry, and frankly, it's getting a little old."

Sirius could hardly believe his ears. James was his best friend, had been for almost ten years now. He'd been Remus' friend for just as long. How could he _not_ understand what Sirius' problem was? Angrily he pointed at Lily who was also looking at her husband angrily. "What would you do, James, if Lily suddenly went missing?" his voice was trembling with barely controlled rage. "Wouldn't you be upset? Wouldn't you want to do anything you could to get her home safe again?"

"Of course I would you dolt!"

"Then what the hell is the problem?" Sirius asked, his voice rising to a shout.

"That's different-"

"How, James? How is it different?"

"She's my wife and I-" he stopped suddenly and his eyes grew wide. He'd finally realized his mistake.

"And you what?" Sirius asked quietly.

James' eyes flickered from Sirius' face, to Lily's, and lastly to the tabletop where they stayed. "And I love her."

"And I love Remus. And that love is no different from the love you feel for Lily." Sirius stood up angrily and made his way toward the door. "When you get that through that thick skull of yours, send me an owl. Until then, I don't want anything to do with you."

With that he left, slamming the door behind him angrily.


	6. Chapter 6

CHAPTER 6

Sirius drug his feet up the stairs, barely able to keep his eyes open. When he got to his flat, he was going strait to bed. He doubted he'd even take off his shoes. He knew he wouldn't have trouble sleeping tonight, not after a day like today. No sleep, a hectic job, a failed reconnaissance mission for the Order, and an incredibly depressing talk with Dumbledore was more than enough to make Sirius irritable and exhausted. If tonight, like countless nights before, he found himself unable to sleep, well... a Dreamless Sleep potion really wasn't that hard to brew up.

When he reached his door, he tapped a rhythm on the door with his wand and heard the lock click. He didn't even bother to turn the lights on as he stumbled through the front room toward the bedroom.

"I have to say, I'm surprised. I really didn't think you were this good at ignoring people,"

Sirius' weariness vanished in an instant, adrenaline coursing through his veins. He whipped around and scanned the dark room. Who the hell was in his flat?

The lamp next to the couch flickered on and James appeared out of nowhere, his invisibility cloak in his hand. Sirius stared at him. "Sorry, Padfoot, but you're the one who taught me the unlocking spell," James said sheepishly.

"What the fuck are you doing here, James?" The quiet venom in that question was enough to make James pale.

"I came to talk to you. Sirius, I-"

"You wanted to talk to me, so you broke into my flat and hid under the invisibility cloak in the dark until I came home?" Sirius sneered. "Sounds more like stalking to me,"

"You wouldn't have come in if the lights were on, you would have hexed me the moment you walked through that door if I had been visible- not because you wanted to, but out of reflex. And all the other times I've tried to talk to you, you've ignored me," James said calmly. He knew better than to argue with Sirius when he was in a mood like this. He was just trying to get a rise out of him. "It's been three months since we last talked, Sirius. How long were you planning on ignoring me?"

"I told you! As soon as you apologize-"

"Well, I can't very well apologize if you won't listen to a word I say, now can I?"

That's where James lost him. Sirius' face slammed shut like a door and James knew no matter what he said now, Sirius wouldn't listen. But he didn't expect Sirius to shoot him a flat, reptilian glare and walk past him towards the door, slamming it behind him. James was a split second from pulling the cloak over himself and following him, when Sirius was back, slamming the door yet again and angrier than James had ever seen him.

"I just-" Sirius stammered. He was always became incredibly inarticulate when he was angry or stressed or embarrassed. "I can't believe you said-" he ran his hand through his hair- "You have no idea how I-" he let out an angry yell and finally managed to form a complete sentence. "He's you're friend! How can the fact that he's missing not bother you? How can you pretend everything is all right when Remus is out there somewhere, scared and alone and in pain? How can you stand to just sit there and do nothing? Do you even care about him at all?"

"Of course I do," James said quietly.

"Do you understand the fact that I love him?"

"Yes, Sirius, I-"

"Then why did you say what you did?"

James thought about that for a moment. Why had he found Sirius' pain and worry annoying? Why had he had so little patience? He loved Sirius and Remus (who Lily had lovingly named "The Pups,") in a completely non-gay way, of course. He'd known that Sirius loved Remus, before Sirius had realized it himself. James understood that there was a difference between "lover" and "best friend" and that Sirius need both positions filled (and truly filled, a fling didn't count as a lover) to function properly. So why had he acted the way he did?

"Sirius, you know how much the two of you mean to me," James said, his voice quivering slightly. "You're my best friends. I guess I did what I did because we'd already lost Remus, and all of the sudden it was like we were losing you too and I couldn't stand it. I'm sorry. I should have tried to help you, but I was scared for you and I didn't know what to do." He stood there, nervously awaiting Sirius' reaction, trying desperately to read something in his face, but the doors behind his eyes were still shut.

Finally, after what felt like an eternity Sirius blinked, fixed his eyes on the floor and whispered, "You really think we've lost him?"

"Yeah, Sirius," James' throat grew tight. "I do."

Sirius felt his bones turn to noodles and he fell more than sat on the couch. He sat there for a moment, trying to get his breathing under control before he said, in the most miserable voice either of them had ever heard, "So does Dumbledore."

James sat down beside him, watching him rather like someone would watch a dog they didn't entirely trust not to bite them.

"He called me in today to tell me that he was pulling Emmeline and Dedalus off the search because he couldn't spare them, and Remus must surely be dead by now so it was useless."

"Padfoot, we all know how strong Remus was, but it's March, almost April. That's five months of being at the mercy of people like the Lestrange's and the Malfoy's. I'm sorry, but I don't think anyone could survive that,"

"Five months of being at the mercy of my family, you mean."

James didn't know what to say to that, so instead he said, "I _am_ sorry for what I said, and for acting the way I did."

"I know. I forgive you," Sirius said in an almost offhand way. So James thought he was dead. So did Dumbledore, Lily, Peter, Emmeline, Dedalus, and probably everyone else in the Order. So why did Sirius think Remus was still alive?

The answer was incredibly simple; because he _wanted_ Remus be alive. He wanted it more than anything else he'd ever wanted in his entire life. He wanted Remus to be alive, and for him to come home. Sirius could deal with a broken and hurting Remus, he could handle a damaged Remus, but a dead Remus? No. He couldn't stand that. The very thought made him want to jump up and scream that Remus was _not dead_, Goddammit. He'd go and prove it himself, and if he got killed in the process then so be it.

"Sirius, mate, I don't want to leave you alone, but I have to get home. Lily's going to be frantic," James glanced at his watch. "Why don't you come and have dinner with us? I think Harry really misses you," he added. He'd say anything to get Sirius to come home with him...

"Yeah," Sirius said, his head coming up suddenly. "Yeah, dinner sounds good,"

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

When Lucius tormented Remus he was always alone, but he wasn't Remus' only visitor. Other Death Eaters came as well, some were worse than others. Fenrir even visits him sometimes; he always brings a few men from his pack with him. But Lucius was always the worst. With the others, Remus always knew what to expect. He knew he'd be questioned, then beaten, then raped. Sometimes they forgot to question him, but the basics were still there.

But Remus never knew what Lucius would do to him. Over the past few months (he had lost count of how many, exactly,) he had been morbidly impressed by Lucius' creativity as he slowly reduced Remus to a quivering, sobbing mass of soft flesh.

That's all Remus was now. Sheer panic rose in his chest every time the door to his cell opened. He didn't have the strength to hold back his screams and cries and whimpers anymore and he shook and trembled for a long time after someone paid him a "visit."

Today had been particularly brutal and now, hours later, Remus had just barely managed to stop his sobbing. Remus hadn't known such cruelty could exist in one person. He hadn't thought anyone could be that sadistic and still be called human. What sane person would ever think to do some of the things Lucius did to him?

Like his actions today, for example. Lucius had come to him, not with the riding crop he usually carried, but with a candle stick. Remus had been slightly confused as to its significance, at least until he felt it being pressed to his hole. Then he realized that not only was it a very large candlestick, it was a silver one as well.

He felt the burning, searing sensation on his tender skin and instantly started to beg.

_"No! No, Lucius, please don't! I'll do anything you want, anything, just don't do it. Please, God, please don't-"_

Lucius had chuckled, and continued, enjoying the whimpers and little screams he forced out of Remus. And when the candlestick brushed that sweet spot inside Remus, he had screamed and cried and begged louder and Lucius had ever heard him. That one brush would have been enough to leave Remus sobbing and shaking for hours, but Lucius continued to sodomize him, always aiming for that special spot.

Now, hours later, Remus' entire body was raw and throbbing despite the fact that Lucius hadn't touched him anywhere else. Even his skin on the stone floor grated on his nerves so badly he could hardly stand it, could hardly keep himself from screaming.

Why couldn't they just break him already? Just break him, kill him, and have done with it? It was _their job_ to break him, and sometimes Remus wanted it so badly he could taste it, but he wasn't about to give it to them. He just wanted it all to be over, but every time he thought of giving in, he felt disgusted with himself. How could he even consider betraying his friends? Betraying Sirius?

However, his resolve was put to the test as the door to his cell opened again. He instantly started to sob and cry again. He doubted it was Lucius back for more, and Lucius was always the worst, but there was no way anyone could touch him without hurting him ten times more than usual, not after what Lucius did.

The man who entered the room muttered something and flicked his wand. Instantly Remus felt the cloth of the blindfold over his eyes.

"So," the man said. "Are you ready to talk?"

Remus started to cry harder because he knew the answer to that question; he knew the consequences of giving that answer, and he didn't think he'd be able to deal with those consequences today.

"No,"

"I didn't think so,"

The sounds of the man coming closer reached his ears and Remus started to babble. "I'm sorry. Don't hurt me. I'm sorry I'm crying, I- I can't help it, please don't hit me. I just- I can't stop-"

"Sshh..." the man says, gently laying his hand on Remus' head. "Calm down."

Remus tries desperately to do as he says because the man hadn't hurt him yet and because he knows that if he obeys it won't be as bad. But he can't stop and that just makes him cry harder.

"Calm down," the man repeats. "I'm not going to hurt you." His hand brushed Remus' face in a way that was almost a caress. However gentle the gesture may have been, to Remus it still felt like having a cheese-grater scraped across his skin. Then, to Remus' astonishment, the man untied his feet and hands, hooked his arms under his shoulders, and helped him stand.

Remus couldn't remember the last time he'd been upright and he swayed dangerously, reaching for the man or the wall or something to keep him from falling on his face. The man steadied him, and leaned him against the wall.

"Hold up your arms,"

Remus raised his arms above his head immediately and felt something brush past his hands and down his arms to his shoulders and chest. It took him a moment to realize that the man had put a shirt on him... He was wearing _clothes..._ Jeans soon followed the shirt. Remus found the sensation of clothing most peculiar after being naked for so long-

"Can you walk?" the man asked hurriedly.

"If- if you help me," Remus stammered.

"All right," Remus felt a sharp rap on the top of his head and shivered as the cold seeped down his neck. "Come on," he pulled Remus' arm over his shoulders and they shuffled toward the door.

"Where are we going?" Remus asked.

"I'm getting you out of here," the man said. "Now be quiet. We can't be caught."


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

Severus Snape would have called this his worst plan ever, but seeing as how it wasn't really a plan to begin with, he had to settle with calling himself stupid. He always thought things through. Always. It was one of the reasons he was still alive after almost ten months of spying on Lord Voldemort for Dumbledore. He always planned everything out exactly. He rarely needed a plan B, but he always had one, just in case.

Well, he had _definitely_ not thought this through. He couldn't even remember making the conscious decision to rescue Lupin. One minute he'd been listening to Lucius Malfoy talk about all the fun he had with his little "toy," and the next he'd been standing in front of the door to Lupin's cell. In November Dumbledore asked him to keep an eye out for Lupin, who they all knew to be captured by Death Eaters, and he had. But he never heard or saw anything. Now he felt incredibly stupid. In five months he'd never realized that Lucius' "toy" and the missing werewolf were one and the same. Severus had been under the impression that the "toy" was some poor Muggle girl Lucius had managed to get his hands on. He'd realized his mistake when Lucius said "my werewolf," instead of "my pet."

_No,_ he thought as he opened the door to the cell. _This is not one of my best plans._ He hadn't even thought of a blindfold until Lupin started to turn his head to look at him. It wouldn't do for him to see Snape's face, because then he would tell everyone who had helped him and he would lose his cover.

Any question as to why he was doing this in the first place vanished the instant he saw that Lupin was crying. And he wasn't just crying, he was sobbing so hard that Severus was afraid he'd get sick. The man was terrified. He felt the bile rise in his throat and he knew that even if he had still been one of the "bad guys" he wouldn't have been able to hurt Remus the way the others did.

Severus felt a pang of guilt. He wasn't there to hurt him, but Lupin obviously thought he was. He wanted to say something comforting and reassuring. But all he could manage was, "So... Are you ready to talk?" He instantly regretted his choice of words because they only served to increase Lupin's panic.

"No,"

With a roll of his eyes, Severus begrudgingly admitted that he admired Lupin for his bravery. It was Gryffindor obstinacy at its finest. "I didn't think so." He approached the sobbing man quickly, they were short on time, and tried his damnedest to ignore the second pang of guilt for scaring Remus further.

"I'm sorry. Don't hurt me. I'm sorry I'm crying, I- I can't help it, please don't hit me. I just- I can't stop-"

It was Severus' turn to be terrified. Remus Lupin was _begging._ He frantically tried to calm him down; too much noise would attract attention. "Ssshhh," he said, touching his head. He was probably the first person to lay a kind hand on him in months. "Calm down." Severus saw him try, and the effort of it nearly broke his heart. "Calm down," he repeated. "I'm not going to hurt you."

With two quick swipes of his wand, Severus untied his hands and feet, hauled him to his feet, and steadied him when he threatened to fall over. He wasted no time dressing Lupin (the poor man was completely naked and shivering horribly,) in the spare clothes he carried in the magically enlarged pocket in his coat. He always carried several things in there, just in case he needed to make a quick get away. He _always_ thought things through.

"Can you walk?" he asked hurriedly and was grateful when Lupin gave him an intelligible response.

"If- if you help me,"

"All right," Severus quickly rapped Remus on the head, casting a Disillusionment Charm. "Come on," He drew Lupins arm across his shoulders and started to shuffle towards the door.

"Where are we going?" Lupin asked.

"I'm getting you out of here," he replied. "Now be quiet. We can't be caught."

Severus and Remus were lucky on several levels. For one, it was almost 3:00 a.m. and everyone in Malfoy Manor was asleep. For another, Lucius had "watched" Snape leave, (he had snuck back in later,) so he wouldn't be suspected. But Lupin's question was a very good one: Where the hell were they going?

Severus would have taken him to Dumbledore, but he didn't know where to find him; they always met in the same little field to talk. He would have taken Remus home, but he didn't know where he lived and with the state he was in, Severus doubted he could get Remus to tell him. He definitely couldn't take Remus to his own house because then they'd be found out for sure.

Then it dawned on him: Lily. Lupin was great friends with Lily and her pompous prick of a husband, and Snape just happened to know where they lived, (he refused to call himself a stalker). Plus, Lily was a healer; she'd be able to help him. They'd be able to tell Dumbledore and Black that Lupin was back, not to mention alive... Yes, he'd take him to Lily's.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Sirius had been at James and Lily's for hours. He'd played with Harry, (whom he had missed terribly,) ate dinner, killed James at Wizard's Chess, and after Harry had been put to bed, Sirius, Lily, and James sat at the kitchen table having a conversation which mostly consisted of incredibly awkward small-talk. Sirius didn't mind, though. Dinner had been great and it sure as hell beat the fuck out of spending the night alone.

However, when the clock struck three in the morning, they all decided to call it a night. Luckily it was Friday, (well... by then it was technically Saturday,) and they'd all be able to sleep in in the morning. James managed to talk Sirius into staying the night and made him a bed on the couch.

To Sirius it felt like he'd been asleep only a few seconds, when someone pounded on the front door. He groaned and rolled over, deciding to ignore it and go back to sleep. But he began to wonder... who would come calling on the Potters at this time of night?

The knocking continued.

Sirius' heart started to pound faster when he could only come up with one solution: Death Eaters... But Death Eaters wouldn't knock... What was going on? He rolled off the couch, grabbed the wand he'd left on the coffee table, and cautiously approached the front door. When he put his hand on the knob the pounding stopped. He listened, but didn't hear any movement on the other side. He took a deep breath, readying himself to block or hex anything that might come his way, opened the door-

And felt himself freeze.

The man standing on the stoop was filthy, emaciated, and barely able to stand. His hair was matted and there was something down the side of his face that looked horribly like dried blood. Had he seen this man on the street, Sirius would have been perfectly sure that he'd never met him before. But his eyes... there was something familiar about his eyes...

Sirius recognized him an instant before the man passed out.

_"Remus!" _He leapt forward and barely caught his shoulders before they hit the ground, and then eased them both down. Sirius stared at the limp body in his arms. Now that he knew who the man was, Sirius had very little trouble recognizing him. Remus quite frequently looked like this after full moons. The only difference was that it felt like he was holding a bundle of hot, dry sticks rather than an exhausted werewolf.

Sirius brushed a piece of matted hair out of Remus' face, ignoring the fact that the door was still open. "Remus, wake up," he shook him lightly. "Please, wake up." Remus' eyes flickered and he stirred a bit before going limp again. The blood on the side of his face caught Sirius' attention again. He was hurt, he needed help. Sirius couldn't help him, he didn't know how.

Quickly he scooped Remus up, (he was so light it made Sirius' stomach churn,) carried him over to the couch, and gently laid him down.

"James!" he shouted up the stairs, and a moment later James came thundering down the stairs wiping sleep out of his eyes.

"Pa-f't, whasgoinon?" he mumbled, and then caught sight of the filthy man occupying his couch. "Sirius, who the hell-" The way his eyes bugged out of his sockets would have been hilarious, if the situation had been different. "Oh... my... _God..._" He gasped. "Fucking... Is that _Remus_?"

"He's hurt," Sirius said, nodding frantically.

James stayed where he was for a beat, staring, and then tore back up the stairs calling for his wife.

Sirius turned his attention back to Remus. He sat next to him and gently touched the back of his hand to his face. "Remus, love, wake up." He shook him again. "Moony?"

Suddenly Sirius got his wish and instantly wished Remus had stayed unconscious. With a strangled cry Remus lashed out at him. If he had his usual strength, Sirius would have been knocked to the floor with a black eye and a bloody nose. Luckily, Remus did not have his usual strength or speed and Sirius was able to catch his wrist before it made contact with the side of this face.

"Remus-"

"Let go of me!" he snarled and tried to twist out of Sirius' grasp.

"Calm down!" Sirius said, pushing his shoulders back down onto the couch. "Remus, it's me! It's Sirius!"

"Please don't hurt me, you promised you wouldn't hurt me-" Remus had stopped fighting and was now just crying, his eyes squeezed shut, tears leaking out from under his long lashes. That scared Sirius more than the fighting. Remus _never _cried. He took Remus' face in his hands.

"Remus! I'm not going to hurt you. Look at me, it's me. It's Sirius." Remus was still trembling beneath him, his eyes tightly shut. "Look at me, love."

Finally, and with an enormous effort, Remus forced his eyes open. Sirius noticed that his eyes weren't like they used to be. They were cold, feral, like the wolf inside of him was finally starting to claw its way to the surface. But then something clicked inside them, and the coldness seemed to lessen. Remus had recognized him.

"... Sirius?"

"Yeah," he smiled. "Hey-" He didn't get the chance to finish. Remus pulled him down into a hug so tight Sirius thought his neck would snap.

And all he could do was hug him back.


	8. Chapter 8

CHAPTER 8

"Sirius?"

He groaned softly and rolled over, tucking his head under Remus' chin.

"C'mon, mate. Wake up," James persisted. "Dumbledore's here. He wants to talk to you."

Sirius groaned louder this time, but sat up. It was amazing how much will power that simple action required. Groggily he rubbed his face and ran his fingers through his hair in an effort to wake himself up. He was exhausted. The last few hours hadn't exactly been peaceful.

After he saw an injured Remus lying on his couch, James and sprinted upstairs. A few grumbling complaints and confused minutes later, he'd returned with a very sleepy, very bewildered Lily. She became fully awake about a tenth of a second after seeing Remus and had immediately gone about ordering Sirius and James around, and started helping the werewolf the way Severus Snape knew she would.

Remus' injuries weren't serious, he wasn't in immediate danger of dying, but he looked like he was. His back was a wasteland of cuts and gashes both bleeding and healing. He was malnourished and dehydrated. And, after a few distressing minutes, he had passed out again. This was probably for the best, because moments before James had come back down the stairs with Lily, he had slipped back into delirium. He seemed to think that they were his tormentors, and he fought and cried and screamed and begged not to be touched, not to be hurt. Finally James had forced him to drink a goblet of Dreamless Sleep potion, and they had been able to go to work.

The entire spectacle had made Sirius sick. It had scared him more than anything else he'd ever experienced, because he had never seen Remus this terrified. Remus Lupin, the strongest, bravest person he knew was crying and begging to not be hurt anymore. But the fact that Remus didn't recognize them, any of them, made it even worse. Well... that wasn't exactly true. He had recognized Sirius, if only for a moment. Maybe he did recognize them, but still thought they would hurt him? Why would he think that? What had those bastards done to him?

But now Remus was finally sleeping. And this was a real sleep; he hadn't passed out, hadn't been drugged, he wasn't being constantly attacked by nightmares. He was actually sleeping.

Sirius decided that he looked peaceful, and, for now, at least, that was good enough. After they'd cleaned him, they'd put Remus in Lily and James' bed and Sirius had crawled in next to him. It was a very gutsy move, considering the state Remus had been in when he had fallen asleep, but he couldn't go any longer without touching Remus again, without confirming that Remus was here, breathing, and safe. Now it had to be hours later, but to Sirius it felt like seconds. He didn't even remember falling asleep.

He got up off the bed carefully and left the room, shutting the door behind him.

"What does he want?" Sirius asked James as they turned and walked down the hallway towards the stairs.

"To talk, I suppose," James shrugged. "Lily sent him an owl telling him that Remus was back. He probably wants to know what happened."

"Does Wormtail know yet?" Sirius asked.

"Lily sent him an owl, too," James yawned. "Hasn't written back yet or anything. Probably asleep, lucky git,"

"Yeah," Sirius chuckled. "What time is it?"

"Seven-thirty, or somewhere thereabouts,"

They entered the kitchen. Lily was setting four cups of coffee on the table, Dumbledore was staring off into space, thinking, and Harry was in his highchair, gurgling happily, perfectly content and oblivious.

When they sat down, Dumbledore came out of his reverie and sighed. "I'm sorry, Sirius," he sighed.

"For what?" Sirius asked, completely baffled.

"For our conversation yesterday. For thinking Remus was dead,"

_Yesterday..._ Sirius thought for a moment. It was hard to comprehend that they really did have that conversation only the day before. So much had happened since then, it felt like much longer.

"Obviously, I was mistaken," Dumbledore continued. "And I've never been happier to be proved wrong." He smiled. "Why don't you tell me what happened?"

Sirius opened his mouth, but before he had a chance to speak, someone started knocking on the Potter's front door. James leapt up to answer it and a few moments later returned with a very groggy Peter.

"So Moony's really back?" were the first words out of his mouth.

"Yeah, Pete, he's upstairs, asleep," James answered getting another cup out of the cupboard, filling it with coffee, and handing it to his friend.

"How?" Peter asked. "I mean... what happened?"

"If you sit down, Sirius will tell you," Dumbledore said with amazing patience. "as he was about to tell the rest of us a moment ago."

"Oh! Sorry." He sat down.

So Sirius told them everything: being woken up by someone pounding on the front door, realizing the filthy man was Remus, Remus collapsing, everything. When he was done, everyone was silent for a few moments, until Peter asked: "But... how'd he get away?"

"What?" James asked.

"If he could barely stand, how did he escape the Death Eaters? How did he fight them off?" Peter continued.

"And why did he come here?" Lily asked, frowning out the window. "Why didn't he go home?" She and Peter exchanged a dark look.

James looked between the two of them, an incredulous look on his face. "What are you getting at?"

"Yeah," Sirius cried angrily, "What _are_ you getting at?"

"Nothing," Lily said quickly, trying to calm them down. "Nothing, really it's just that..."

"That what, Lily?" Sirius asked. James shot him a look that said quite clearly: _Do not talk to my wife like that,_ but Sirius didn't pay him any attention.

"All they're saying, Sirius," Dumbledore said, "is that the circumstances are rather... suspicious."

"How is it suspicious?" Sirius asked.

"Think about it, Sirius!" Peter said impatiently. "Think about the predicament he was in! There are only three ways out of a situation like that. One: you die, two: someone saves you, or three: _they let you go._"

Everyone stared at Peter, Lily, James, and Dumbledore out of amazement (Peter never had outbursts like that,) and Sirius out of disbelief.

"What are you-"

"Oh, come on!" Peter said. "Do I have to spell it out for you?"

"Yes, Peter, maybe you should," Sirius seethed. "And you better not mean what I think you do, or else you and I are going to have a _very_ big problem. Remus is not the spy-"

"We're not saying Remus is the spy," Lily said.

"Yeah," Peter agreed. "There are other possibilities. He could be under the Imperious Curse. Or maybe he's not the original spy, maybe they hurt him so bad that he broke and they turned him-"

"Remus did _not _break," Sirius snarled. "He's too strong for that. And he would _never_ betray us-"

"I don't know, Sirius," James whispered. He looked at his friend sadly. "He seemed pretty broken last night,"

"This is ridiculous," Sirius leaned back in his chair and ran his hands through his hair. "Why don't we ask him? When Remus wakes up, we'll ask him how he got away, and then you all will feel like complete jackasses for accusing him of-"

"No one's accusing him of anything, Sirius," Dumbledore said, piercing him with his vibrant blue eyes. "But you understand, we _must_ be careful. There are too many lives at risk here. Imagine the damage a single compromised person could wreak upon the Order and its members. However, I do agree with you on one point. Before we start jumping to conclusions, we should ask Remus what happened. I don't wish to wake him, so I will return tomorrow." He stood and made his way toward the door, but then turned and said, "And all of you, please, get some sleep. You look terrible." And he left.

The four of them sat in silence for a moment, Harry still gurgling in his highchair. _ He's such a happy baby,_ Sirius thought absently before his eyes fell on Peter, who was looking at him nervously. Peter saw his murderous look and said quickly "Padfoot, mate I didn't mean to-"

"I have nothing to say to you," Sirius spat and stood quickly. He turned and went back upstairs to where Remus was still sleeping, leaving Lily, James, and Peter to discuss whatever they wanted. He didn't want to hear any of it.

Sirius crawled back into bed and was pleasantly surprised when Remus rolled over in his sleep and put an arm on Sirius' waist, pulling him closer.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

"I... I don't remember."

"You don't remember?" Dumbledore asked raising his bushy eyebrows.

"No." Suddenly Remus' mouth went dry. He swallowed hard and said, "I mean, I know they hurt me, and I know it was bad but I don't-" he tried to ignore the skeptical expressions on everyone's faces. "I don't remember,"

"Do you remember escaping?"

"No,"

"Do you remember finding your way to the Potter's house?"

"No,"

"Then what _do_ you remember, Remus?" spat a frustrated Peter.

Remus stopped and thought for a moment. "I remember being in the Underworld... talking to someone-"

"Who?" Dumbledore asked.

"I don't remember," Remus repeated for the millionth time that night, and this time he let the frustration creep into his voice. "I was... I was just standing there talking to someone, and then everything gets all dark and jumbled and-" _painful_, he thinks. "And the next thing I remember clearly is waking up in Lily and James' bed, and being very confused as to how I got there."

"Do you think his memory has been modified?" James asked Dumbledore quietly, as though Remus wasn't there.

"No," Dumbledore sighed, frowning at Remus. It wasn't an angry frown, just a confused one. "There's no evidence of a spell on him. Not the Imperious Curse... nothing."

"So, either he's telling the truth," Peter said slowly. "Or he really is the spy and he's lying to lull us into a false sense of security..."

"What?" Remus gasped.

"Shut up, Peter!" Sirius snarled.

"That's what you think?" Remus said, turning to look at Sirius who was sitting beside him. "You think I'm the spy?"

"No," Sirius shook his head frantically. "No, Remus, I don't-"

"And what do you think the last few months were?" Remus asked, his voice cold. "Fake? A sham? Some elaborate plot cooked up by me and my Death Eater pals to 'lull you into a false sense of security'?"

"No, I don't think that," Sirius said earnestly.

"But you do," Remus said, turning to look at Dumbledore.

"You have to understand, Remus, the fact that you can't remember anything-"

"_Allegedly_ can't remember anything," Peter said.

"Oi, Pettigrew, who's side are you on?" Sirius asked.

"I'm on the Order's side!" Peter cried. "Like you all should be!" he glared at Lily, James, and Sirius. "You're all too blind to see it. Lily, just because Remus was our sole voice of reason while we were at school, doesn't make him a saint. James, I know he's our friend, but right now we can't afford to blindly trust everyone. And Sirius," he turned to face the glowering man. "You're too close to him to see it. He's had you wrapped around his finger for years-"

"What, Wormtail?" Sirius snarled. "Jealous?"

"I'm straight and you know it," Peter said, his cheeks turning a brilliant shade of pink. "All I'm saying is that you all trust to easily."

"Peter, please-" Remus began.

"Don't you talk to me!" Peter snapped. "How can you do it? How can you sit there so calmly and speak to those you're betraying? How can you look us in the eye- us who've been your friends for _ten years_ now, and _lie_?" Remus was speechless. All he could do was stare at him. "I suppose I shouldn't be surprised, though. You've always been so good at lying, haven't you? It's not a talent I'd expect to find in a dumb animal, but you are a Dark Creature, so it does kind of make sense."

"Out!" James yelled. "You get out of my house right now, Peter!"

Peter scowled at him and started for the door, but Remus beat him to it. He moved faster then any of them thought he was capable of moving, given his current physical condition. But then he was, as Peter had so kindly pointed out, a werewolf. Sirius growled at Peter and ran out the front door after Remus.

"Well done!" James hissed after a moment of silence.

"I'm sorry for calling him a dumb animal and a Dark Creature," Peter said stiffly. "But I meant everything else I said."

"Peter," Lily said placatingly. "Remus not being able to remember anything isn't exactly suspicious. It happens all the time. The brain automatically suppresses extremely traumatic memories as a method of self defense."

"But Dumbledore said it was suspicious!"

"You're putting words into my mouth, Peter," Dumbledore said. "I said no such thing. Now, I want you all to know two things. One: this conversation did not go as I had anticipated it would," he looked at them sternly, even gave Peter a little scowl. "And two: I have complete confidence in Mr. Lupin. I do not suspect Remus of being the spy or of betraying anyone. However, I do agree with Mr. Pettigrew on one point: we must be careful. Until we find out exactly what transpired none of you are to speak to Remus about anything regarding the Order, understood?"

"Yes, sir," they said in unison.

"Good," Dumbledore nodded and stood. "I suppose I will see you all at the meeting on Wednesday. Good night," and he turned and left.

"You really are a bastard, you know that, Pete?" James said after the front door had closed.

"James, I'm just-"

"I don't want to hear it, Peter," James' voice was full of disdain. "I don't know what's going through that little head of yours right now, but I _do_ know that you better stay out of Sirius' way for the next few days."

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Remus was exhausted, and he'd only gone two blocks. Normally the fact that he was so out of shape would have bothered him, but at the moment he had more pressing matters to deal with.

They thought he was the spy. They all did. Sirius claimed that he didn't, but Remus had seen the hint of doubt in his lover's eyes. And honestly, Remus thought as he sat on the curb to rest, he couldn't blame him.

_'I can't remember'? _What kind of pathetic excuse was that? Never mind that it was true, he would never be able to convince any one of that. It was the weakest, most pathetic story anyone would ever be able to come up with. If he really had been the spy he would have come up with a big exciting story about his escape and everyone would have been placated and he would have been able to do whatever the hell he wanted while pretending to be traumatized and broken.

The really sad part was that he wouldn't have needed to act very well to pull off the traumatized and broken part. He had been telling the truth. He didn't remember any specifics about what happened, but he remembered being scared and alone and humiliated and in such terrible pain that the mere memory of it made him want to crawl into a hole somewhere and die.

"Remus!"

Remus' head came up at the sound of Sirius' voice. He was surprised that Sirius followed him.

"What do you want?" he asked.

"I just-" Sirius panted and sat down next to him. "Come back, please. Peter's being a git. A big, fat, stupid git who doesn't know when to keep his mouth shut."

"I don't want to go back," Remus said.

"Why not?"

"Do you think I'm the spy?"

"What?" Sirius asked. "No, love, I told you I don't-"

"I don't want to go back. Please, Padfoot, I... I just want to go home," Remus said, his throat growing tight, and his eyes hot, but he forced himself to look at Sirius. Sirius saw how close Remus was to losing it right there on the curb under the streetlight and reached out to touch his face.

Remus flinched away and Sirius instantly felt a surge of anger, not for Remus, but for whoever had reduced the werewolf to a trembling, terrified man who could hardly bear to be touched. Sirius moved closer and put his hands on either side of Remus' face, trying his best to ignore the flinching. "Look at me," Sirius said, turning Remus' face towards himself. He had an odd feeling of deja vu. Hadn't he already done this once in the last twenty-four hours? "Look at me, Remus." Remus opened his eyes. "No one is going to hurt you, you hear me? I swear to you, I won't let anyone hurt you ever again."

Suddenly, quietly, Remus broke. Tears streamed down his face and silent sobs wracked his emaciated body. Sirius pulled him in closer and held him while Remus whispered, "Please don't make me go back. I don't want to go back. I just want to go home, Sirius. I haven't been home in so long..."

"All right," Sirius said kissing the top of his head. "All right. Let's go home."

He stood and pulled Remus up with him. When Sirius was satisfied that they had a good enough grip on each other, he spun on the spot and Disapparated. They popped back into reality two feet in front of the door to their flat. Sirius pulled out his wand, unlocked the door, and guided Remus inside. Once in the front room Sirius scooped Remus up and carried him to the bedroom. He was rewarded by a snort of laughter from Remus. Sirius set him down on the bed, crawled in next to him, and snuggled up close.

"Thank you," Remus whispered, already half asleep. But Sirius had a question, and he needed to ask it now, or he wouldn't be able to sleep that night.

"Remus?"

"Mmmm?"

"You really don't remember anything?" Sirius asked.

"No," Remus grumbled.

"Well... have you tried?" Sirius asked raising his head so he could see Remus' face. "Have you tried to remember?"

"Sirius," Remus opened his eyes and looked at Sirius. If he hadn't looked so tired, he would have looked angry. "All I know is that when I woke up in Lily and James' bed, everything hurt. _Everything._ And I don't know about you, but something that can hurt that bad isn't something I want to remember in a hurry."

Sirius closed his eyes and pressed his face into Remus' neck. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have-"

"Don't be sorry. It's understandable," Remus sighed. "Good night, Sirius."

"Good night, love."


	9. Chapter 9

CHAPTER 9

'_I'm on the Order's side!'_ _Ppppffft. Wow. Really? _Peter thought as he closed the door to James' house behind him. _That, Wormtail, is the very definition of overkill..._ His job was to sow dissension, but all he'd managed to do was put up a real big sign that said "Hey! Look at me!" and make the others angry with him.

But, in his defense, he was extremely tired. He hadn't had a full night of sleep in three days. The first night- Thursday night- he'd been about to go to bed when the mark on his arm started to burn. He'd leapt out of bed, grabbed a cloak, and Apparated to the meeting. He'd stood there like the good little stooge he was and tried not to fall asleep while everyone talked. He himself, had absolutely nothing to report other than the fact that the search for Remus would soon be coming to a close. He'd finally crawled back into bed at about 2:30 a.m.

The next night he'd been woken up by none other than Lucius Malfoy. He'd grumbled, rolled over and glanced at the clock. 3:30?

"Malfoy, what the hell?" he mumbled.

"Get up, Pettigrew. I have a problem," Malfoy hissed.

"Well, apparently, but what does it have to do with me?" Peter asked, surprising even himself. Usually he wouldn't have dared to mouth off to anyone, but he was so tired even his cowardice was being overridden.

"The werewolf escaped!" Malfoy said, grabbing Peters arm and yanking him out of bed.

"R- Remus?" Peter stuttered. "He got away!?"

"Yes. And you're going to help me find him before Lord Voldemort finds out."

"B-b-but why?" Peter asked. At the furious look on Lucius' face he added. "I mean, why... why me?"

"Because you're his friend, aren't you?" Lucius smirked. "You know how he thinks. You'll know where to look."

And Peter had helped Lucius, but in all honestly, he _didn't_ know where to look. He was afraid of just showing up at James' or Sirius. They could be home, and besides if he randomly asked them if Remus was there it'd be a little suspicious. Besides, as Lucius said, he was their friend. If Remus come back they would probably notify him immediately.

After four hours of looking, (more like wandering the streets aimlessly,) he'd gone home, very glad it was Saturday and _very _ready to fall back into bed. But the owl tapping incessantly on his kitchen window had banished any hopes he had of sleeping all day. They _had_ notified him immediately, he just hadn't been home to get it.

He rushed over to the Potter's and did his job: sowed dissension. He'd made Lily and James think about the possibility, and he didn't think he'd gotten to Sirius, but the little seeds of doubt had definitely been planted.

He'd left and gone straight to Malfoy, telling him that Remus was at the Potter's.

"And you _left him there_?" Lucius hissed.

"W-well... yes, I d-did," he said. "I couldn't very well just make off with him, he was still unconscious. You hurt him very badly, everyone was around looking after him. Dumbledore was even there-"

"I don't care how you do it, Pettigrew, but you _will_ get Lupin alone,you _will_ bring him to me, and it will be _soon_. Understood?"

"I... I don't know if-"

"What? Are you having second thoughts?" Lucius sneered. "Is your friendship suddenly too strong?"

"_No,_" Peter said vehemently, because it was true. He had _never_ wanted to be friends with Remus. In all honestly he'd been terrified of him ever since James and Sirius had told him he was a werewolf. But Sirius and James had wanted to stay friends with him, and Peter had wanted to stay friends with Sirius and James, so he'd put up with it. He didn't want to put up with it anymore. He felt a little guilty about betraying James and his family, and for betraying Sirius. But none for Remus. Peter knew that if they'd had a choice, James and Sirius would both choose Remus over himself. If, back in their first year, Peter had told the truth said he didn't want to be friends with a werewolf, Sirius and James would have dropped him immediately and taken Remus' side.

He felt no guilt whatsoever about betraying Remus to the Death Eaters the first time, and this was no different.

The plan was simple enough: get Remus alone, incapacitate him, and turn him back over to Lucius. No matter how much he didn't want to, Peter _did_ know Remus very well. The only way to get him alone, was to upset him and then rush after him under the pretense of apologizing. But what could he say to upset Remus that much? He was always so collected and under control...

"_You've always been so good at lying, haven't you? It's not a talent I'd expect to find in a dumb animal, but you are a Dark Creature, so it does kind of make sense."_

Yes, that was an incredibly low blow, even for Peter, but it had done the trick. Peter could see something snap behind his eyes, could see that Remus was finally about to lose his precious control. He stood up and ran out of the house exactly like Peter had thought he would.

What he hadn't expected was for Sirius to run after him.

Peter had never been good at thinking on his feet, and with his plan foiled, he resorted to his original intent, and reminded them all that Remus was not to be trusted.

Neither Malfoy nor Voldemort had been very happy that he had failed to return Remus, but both had been slightly placated by the fact that he claimed not to remember anything.

Besides, an escaped werewolf was the least of their problems. They had bigger fish to fry. Voldemort had immediately ordered Peter to apologize and make amends with at least the Potters. He'd be needed soon.


	10. Chapter 10

CHAPTER 10

"Knock Knock!" James called, sticking his head through the door to Sirius and Remus' flat. There was no answer, and all the lights were off. Despite the fact that it was noon, the place had the distinct air of a home asleep. James shut the door behind him quietly and crept through the front room to the bedroom.

Sirius and Remus were tangled up in each other and the blankets. The initial... oddness of seeing them together had worn off years ago. James had walked in on them far too many times for it to bother him anymore. However, he was _very_ thankful that they both had clothes on. He backed out of the room silently, went to the kitchen, and went about making breakfast. Well... technically it lunch, but that didn't really matter.

James had always been a thoughtful friend, but two years ago it never would have occurred to him to make them breakfast. It was a sign, he supposed, of just how much Lily and Harry had domesticated him. As much as he hated to admit it, James was a suburban father, a bread-winner and a bacon-bringer. When Harry had been born Sirius had stared at him and said, "Holy shit, mate. You're a daddy."

As James stood there frying eggs for his friends, he was thinking the same thing. He was a _father. _His life was not going to be as exciting as he had once dreamed. His life was going to be quiet, uneventful, and happy: the life of a family man. And James thought it made sense. He and Lily were nest-builders, home-makers. They were destined to have quiet lives.

Sirius and Remus, though, would _never_ have quiet lives.

While the Potters were home-makers, Sirius and Remus were dreamers, rebels. And dreamers with as much heart as the two of them had, never had quiet, boring lives. Two years ago, when James still craved adventure and excitement, he would have been jealous of that fact. But it was amazing how much having a child had matured him. Sirius had once called him "Super-Dad," because everything James did was for Harry. James went to work every day so he could buy Harry food and clothes and toys. When he was home and Harry was awake, that little baby was James' entire world. The day Harry had been born James' entire perspective had changed. His goal in life switched from having as much fun as possible before he died, to making sure that his wife and child, _his family,_ was safe and happy.

After happened to Remus he was, a bit selfishly, grateful that he was not a dreamer.

"Hey, mate," Sirius yawned. "Whatcha doin'?"

"Making breakfast," James replied, nodding to the frying pan on the stove. "I came to check on you two and decided that you both needed some food. I know you can't cook and I doubted Remus would be up to it this morning." Sirius sat down at the table and yawned again. He had big black bags under his eyes, which were red, his hair was a mess and he was in terrible need of a shave. James took this all in as he said, "You both worried me a bit when you didn't come back last night..."

"Oh," Sirius said. "Yeah. Sorry, Prongs, it's just that Remus was really upset and we both just wanted to come home and-"

"It's fine, Padfoot, I was just saying."

"Yeah," Sirius thumped his head down on the table and sighed.

"Rough night?" James asked.

"Very," Sirius said, his voice slightly muffled by the table. He sat up when James put a plate of eggs down in front of him. "Remus... had several nightmares. Several very vivid nightmares. He kept thrashing and screaming and crying in his sleep. I had to cast Silencing charms so our Muggle neighbors wouldn't hear and call the... the whatchermacallems....

"The Police,"

"Yeah them," Sirius sighed again. "I... I mean... What the hell did they do to him, James? I keep telling him that he's safe now, that no one's going to hurt him, but he still flinches every time I try to touch him and last night... you should have heard him, he was so scared..." Sirius' voice broke. He looked down at his eggs and began stabbing them with his fork. "And I'm not complaining, I just want to help him and have absolutely no idea how to help him. I never thought I'd see him like this, I never thought anything could hurt him that badly..."

In all honestly James had never expected to see Remus so broken either. But the fact that he _was _broken was undeniable. "I'm sorry, Sirius, but I don't know what to tell you. I don't know how to help him either. I mean... we usually ask Remus about this kind of stuff, don't we?"

Sirius smiled at that. "Yeah," but his face darkened and he added, "Peter sure wasn't helping last night."

"I know," James said. "He was out of line. I told him that he should stay away from you two for a few days, unless of course he wants to lose his head,"

"Or his balls," Sirius muttered darkly. "You know, I can understand Dumbledore being suspicious of Remus. It's his job; he has to be careful. But _Peter_? It just doesn't make sense."

"No, it doesn't," James agreed. "But you know Wormtail. He's probably just paranoid. I mean, after Caradoc Dearborn, the Prewett brothers, Benjy Fenwick _and_ the McKinnons we're all worried. They're picking us off one by one and none of has the slightest idea as to how they're doing it."

"Well... one of us does," Sirius said. "It's just too bad we don't know who."

James nodded as Remus entered the room. "Morning, Moony."

"Morning," Remus mumbled, rubbing his eyes.

"Hey, love," Sirius said, smiling at him. "Did you get enough sleep?"

Remus nodded and asked, "What's for breakfast?"

"Eggs," James said, putting a plate down in front of him. "Here. Eat up. You need to put some meat on your bones."

"Agh, James," Sirius groaned as Remus gave him a small smile. "You sound like your mother."

It was true, though. Remus had always been thin, his werewolf metabolism made sure of that, but this was ridiculous. It seemed like he was nothing but sharp angles and edges. His cheekbones jutted out way too far and James could see the bones of his shoulders beneath his shirt. Remus' appearance reminded James of the question Sirius had asked him earlier: _What the hell did they do to him?_

Once they finished eating, Sirius had announced that he was going to hop in the shower and left Remus and James in the kitchen together. They sat there awkwardly for a few minutes before James finally found the courage to say, "Remus... Lily and I don't agree with Peter. We know you'd never betray us."

"Thank you," Remus said quietly not looking at him.

"But what he said last night..." James continued haltingly. "Well, some of it was true. You are a _very_ good liar, Remus, and you're even better at hiding things. I know you're independent, and I know how much you hate burdening others with your problems, but we're you friends. We _want _to help you. But you're going to have to ask for it. Look at me, Moony." Reluctantly, Remus met James' gaze. "If you're in trouble, if you need help, will you ask for it?"

"Yeah, James," Remus said. "Of course I will."

James looked at him hard for a moment, but he couldn't tell if Remus was lying or not. He'd always been so damn good at it. Finally he just nodded and said, "All right. I came over here in my lunch break, I better go back. So I'll see you later, yeah?"

"Yeah," Remus nodded slowly.

"Yeah," James repeated with a sigh as he was heading towards the door. "Tell Padfoot I said bye."

"Will do, James."

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Remus winced as the cold water hit his healing back. Sirius had used up all the hot water. Remus would have cast a healing charm, but at some time during the last five months he'd lost his wand. Oddly enough, Remus found the fact that Sirius still hogged all the hot water comforting, just as it was comforting to notice that hardly anything else had changed either. All the furniture was still in the same place, Sirius still couldn't cook, and they both still slept on their sides of the bed. He didn't understand why this surprised him. There was no reason any of it should have changed. The only thing different at all was that he'd been gone.

Somethings had changed of course. Remus hadn't missed the undertones of his conversation with James, and he knew the 'trouble' James referred to could come in several different forms. On the surface, 'trouble' was whatever problems Remus might have dealing with... with what happened. And judging on the last three days, he was having a lot of trouble. He had horribly terrifying nightmares that left him crying and shaking for hours after he woke up, nightmares he couldn't remember afterward. He could barely force himself to make eye contact with anyone, and hurt look on Sirius' face every time he flinched away from him broke Remus' heart, but he truly couldn't help it.

The other kind of trouble James had been talking about was whatever trouble Remus had with Death Eaters. Earlier James might as well have said: _"Remus, what I mean is that if you really _are_ the spy, if you really _have_ betrayed us, just let us know and we'll help you get out of it."_ Normally this would have made Remus angry... but honestly? He really _didn't_ know how he'd escaped. Maybe he was the spy? He couldn't remember one way or the other. All he knew is that right now he didn't want to be, and that if anyone was waiting on him to give them information they would be waiting a very long time.

"Moony?" Sirius called as Remus shut off the taps.

"Yeah?" he called.

"Nothing, love, just checking on you," Sirius stuck his head in through the bathroom door. "What-" he froze when he got a good look at Remus getting out of the shower. "Remus... why did you wear your clothes in the shower?"

Remus looked down, his hair dripping into his eyes. "I... uummm..." He _had_ worn his clothes in the shower, but he couldn't really find a reason why. Not one Sirius would understand, at least. All Remus knew was that when he'd gone to get in the shower, he'd been overpowered by the urge to keep his clothes on. Well, that wasn't quite right. It was more the urge to _not be naked._ "I just..." He forced himself to look at Sirius' face and tried a smile. "You used up all the hot water."

Sirius laughed. "You're crazy, you know that? I'll go get you some clothes."


	11. Chapter 11

CHAPTER 11

James stumbled into the kitchen and flicked on the light. He turned to see what he had tripped over and saw the cat's eyes glinting green in the light from the kitchen. Stupid cat. He'd never even wanted the fucking thing. It was most definitely _Lily's_ cat. It would always crawl up into her lap when Harry wasn't there and purr and rub Lily's hand to be petted. It hated James almost as much as he hated it, and James was convinced the cat was trying to kill him. Tripping James as he entered the kitchen was only it's latest attempt.

He took a glass from the cupboard and filled it with water. Every night he woke up thirsty, and every night he had to come downstairs to get a drink. He always managed to forget to bring a glass with him when he went to bed. Once, to avoid the dreaded trek downstairs, he had pointed his wand at his mouth and muttered "_Aguamenti."_ Sadly, all he managed to do was soak the bed and wake Harry up with all his coughing. Lily had forbidden him to try it ever again. So now he came downstairs every night to quench his thirst.

After emptying and refilling his glass three times he set it back down in the sink and started for bed again. He was halfway up the stairs when the cat started yowling and spitting like it's tail was on fire.

James flew back down the stairs so quickly that later he was amazed he hadn't broken his neck. He was at the kitchen window an instant later, and just in time to see a dark shadow pass by it.

The next thing he knew he was standing over Harry's crib, casting a silencing charm on the sleeping baby. He was very glad he'd taken the time to do so when Harry screwed up his face and started wailing soundlessly as his father picked him up. James grabbed a blanket and wrapped it haphazardly around Harry as he ran out of the room and down the hall to his and Lily's bedroom.

"Lily," he whispered, shaking her shoulder. "Lily, wake up."

She stirred and forced her eyes open. "What?" she said rather loudly, sounding annoyed.

"They're here," James whispered urgently, grabbing his wand from the bedside table.

She sat up instantly. "What? How?"

"I don't know," James said. "Here, take Harry and go to Sirius and Remus'." He handed over Harry and cut her off before she could argue. "I'll be right with you, all right? Now let's go!"

The downside to having as much magical security as the Potters did was that it was almost as hard to get _out_ of the house as it was to get _in_. No one could Apparate into their home, but they couldn't Disapparate out of it either. So Lily and James had to make their way to the back door. They could Disapparate out of the back yard, James had made sure of it. Lily had just put her hand on the doorknob when they heard the front door burst open.

The downside to the house itself was the fact that you could see the back door from the front door. Fucking Muggle contractors.

Immediately people were shouting and the Potter's home was illuminated with all different colors of light. Lily felt a curse graze her hair and was out the door an instant later, sprinting across the lawn, trying to not jostle Harry too much. James was never one to take anything lying down. He turned, shot a curse back, and was satisfied by the loud thump of someone hitting the floor.

"James!"

He ducked out the door and followed his wife across the lawn as a new volley of spells were cast his way. "Go, Lily!" he yelled as he ran. She hesitated, and he could practically see her biting her bottom lip, but an instant later she was gone. James ran until he felt the tiniest _click_ in his mind, meaning he was past the house's defenses. Then he closed his eyes, turned on his heel, and, to the Death Eaters' dismay, disappeared.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Sirius sighed and closed his eyes, pressing his lips to the top of Remus' head. The werewolf had finally fallen back asleep after yet another nightmare. Sirius wished he knew what the nightmares were about. He wanted to know what was tormenting his lover so often and so horribly. Earlier that night he had tried to stay awake to see if Remus talked in his sleep. If he did maybe Sirius could puzzle out what they were about. Not surprisingly, Sirius had fallen asleep, and had been woken up a few hours later by a screaming, thrashing, terrified Remus.

But now everything was okay again-

"Sirius,"

Sirius' eyes flew open at the sound of his name. He glanced at the bedroom door and saw James standing there in his pajamas. "Fuck, I'm tired," he muttered to himself and rubbed his eyes. "I'm delirious,"

"No, mate, you're not," James said quietly, not wanting to wake Remus. He looked so tired... "Can we stay here tonight, Padfoot?"

"Yeah," Sirius nodded vaguely, closing his eyes again. Suddenly the sound of a baby crying reached his ears and his eyes flew open once again. "Is that _Harry?_"

"Yeah," James said as Remus jerked awake.

"Whazgoinon?" he mumbled. "Whaz wrongwit 'Arry?"

"They found us," James said, no longer bothering to keep his voice down.

_"What?!"_ they said in unison, becoming awake instantly.

"How?" Sirius asked pointlessly. If anyone knew the answer to that question it never would have happened in the first place.

"Are you all okay?" Remus asked, sitting up.

"Yeah," James shrugged. "Harry will be a little cranky tomorrow, I guess, but we're all fine. We were almost out of the house before they even got in, not even a scrape."

"Good," Sirius sighed.

"C'mon, Sirius, let them have the bed," Remus said. Sirius didn't complain as he stood.

"No, it's fine, we just needed somewhere to go-"

"It's all right, James," Sirius yawned.

"Just returning the favor," Remus said, giving him a sleepy little smile.

They walked through the door to the living room where Lily was sitting on the couch cooing to a calmed Harry.

"Hey Lils," Remus said. "You all right?"

Lily looked at him for an awkward moment before replying. "Yes, we're fine. A little shaken up, I guess."

"You can say that again," James laughed. "I can still feel the adrenaline. C'mon, love, they said we could have their bed."

Normally Lily would have argued about that, would have said that they didn't need to give up their own bed. However, tonight, as a testament to her weariness, she just nodded, stood, and walked into the bedroom.

"Thanks, guys," James said. "I'll tell you about it in the morning,"

"You better," Remus smiled slightly.

"All the juicy details," Sirius grinned.

James smiled back and followed Lily into the bedroom. He shut the door behind him and hissed "What was that about?"

"What?" Lily whispered back.

"The thing with Remus!"

"It was nothing,"

"It was a hell of a lot more than nothing,"

"Oh, shut up,"

"Shut up?"

"Well, sorry but I don't exactly feel any safer here than at home with Death Eaters breaking down our front door!" Lily said, her voice filled with venom.

"What? Why not?" James asked incredulously. "This is Sirius and Remus' flat! This is like our second home-"

"Don't you find it a bit odd-" Lily started, "that a _week_ after Remus comes back Death Eaters show up at our house?"

James understood. "Aw, Lily, not you too,"

"What other explanation can you come up with, James?" she laid Harry down on the bed. "How else could they have found us?"

"Lily-"

"No, listen to me!" she whispered angrily. "Our son could have died tonight. Our _family_ could have died, James, and very easily. You need to open your eyes and see people for who they are. Not who you want them to be, but who they _are_, and soon. Or we won't be alive to argue this much longer."

James stood there for a moment thinking. Remus? Surely not...? Finally he just sighed and said, "It's late, Lily. Let's go to bed and talk about this in the morning, okay?"

"Fine," she sighed and crawled into bed. A moment later James crawled in beside her.


	12. Chapter 12

CHAPTER 12

Sirius and James stepped over the broken door and into the house. Other than the door, scuff marks on the floor, and some interesting scorch marks on the walls, the house was in incredibly good shape.

"Well," Sirius said. "At least you guys won't have to move again."

James grinned at him. "If we stay here we're going to need some intense protection."

"You already had intense protection,"

"I know," James sighed. "That's what worries me... We can't really afford to move again right now, but if we can't step it up, we'll have to."

"Dumbledore will have something up his sleeve," Sirius shrugged. "And you can always come over to our flat."

"... I'm not so sure about that, Padfoot," James said quietly.

"What?" Sirius asked, completely baffled. "Why not?"

"Lily... kinda freaked out last night," James muttered not meeting Sirius' eyes. "About... Remus,"

"Remus? What about-" Sirius stopped as he realized what James was talking about. "_Shit._ Not her too?"

"Yeah," James nodded. "I told her she was just tired and scared and that Remus would never do anything to..." James stopped and took a deep breath. "But apparently she's convinced. And Sirius... I know that neither of you would ever do anything to hurt us, but if I have to choose, I _will_ choose Lily."

Sirius just stared at him.

"C'mon, mate. Don't give me that look," James pleaded. "I didn't say I'm choosing now, but if I have to... and you can't tell me that you'd do any different, can you? Would you choose me over Remus if you had to?"

"No," Sirius said quietly.

"And I understand that, because I'd do the exact same thing. I'm sorry, Padfoot," James said. "But it's not like I have to choose at the moment. Maybe Lily will calm down a bit and realize she was being stupid. Remus might never even need to know we had this conversation."

"I hope he doesn't..." Sirius whispered. He didn't think Remus could take another betrayal right now, not in the state he was in. "Well, all's clear, I suppose. Let's go tell Dumbledore so he can put up some more enchantments and you all can sleep in your own beds tonight."

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

It had taken a while, but they eventually wound up where they both knew they would: the bedroom.

They'd actually been sleeping in the bedroom for six weeks now, but there was a difference between the bedroom the slept in, and the bedroom they made love in. Not a physical difference, it was more a different state of mind, but there was a difference.

For the last month and a half Sirius had done anything and everything he could to make Remus feel happy, comfortable, and safe. This included a lot of snuggling, which Sirius didn't mind in the slightest. There was something awesomely simple and fulfilling about holding someone without any sexual intent whatsoever. There was also a lot of soothing words, and gallons and gallons of the Dreamless Sleep potion. By now, Remus' physical injuries had healed and Sirius didn't have to worry about causing unintentional pain when he touched him.

But it was Remus' the emotional injuries that worried him. In the last forty-two days Sirius hadn't tried to initiate anything. Yes, that meant he'd gone six and a half months without getting any, and yes, that fact was incredibly frustrating especially when he shared a bed with the person he loved most in the entire world, but he was too afraid to try anything. He had no idea what those bastards had done to Remus, but he knew it had hurt him and scared him enough to give him nightmares months afterwards. it had been bad enough to make Remus _cry._ And there was always a chance that Remus wouldn't want to... do whatever it was Sirius tried to initiate. Sirius wasn't afraid of being rejected; but he was afraid of hurting or scaring Remus again. He couldn't let that happen, not now when he was _finally_ calming down a bit.

Tonight, however, Sirius' determination had broken. They had gone out to dinner with James, Lily (who had caught eyeing Remus suspiciously on several occasions), and Peter (who was carefully avoiding looking at any of them). Lily had calmed down a bit and no longer thought Remus was the spy, but she still didn't completely trust him. Remus always managed to act normally around company. He carried on conversations, laughed quietly, made eye contact from time to time. He even rolled his eyes once or twice. Most people thought that the only change in him was that he was now even more subdued and shy than he had been before.

Sirius knew better. He was the only one who saw how broken Remus really was. He was the only one who had to deal with his nightmares and his insomnia. No one else saw Remus' minuscule flinch every time someone touched him.

But tonight he had seemed normal. Even after they'd said goodnight to the Potters and Peter, he had seemed perfectly comfortable as they made their way home. He hadn't flinched when Sirius flung an arm over his shoulders, his eyes weren't darting everywhere like they usually did when it was dark. And while they were walking down the sidewalk he had smiled at Sirius, the first genuine smile since the afternoon he'd woken up in Lily and James' bedroom and seen Sirius in bed beside him.

Once they were home, they started getting ready for sleep. Sirius watched as Remus stood by the bed stripping down to his boxers, and winced at the wasteland of his back. Remus had always had scars, but not that many.

Remus felt Sirius' eyes on him looked over his shoulder at him. He saw the look on Sirius' face and said, "You hate them, don't you? My scars."

"Yes, I hate them," Sirius growled. "Them and the son of a bitch that gave them to you. It's absolutely disgusting."

Remus nodded, turned back around and reached for his t-shirt. If Sirius hated them, he shouldn't have to look at them. Suddenly Sirius' hand was on his own, stopping him.

"But that doesn't mean I hate _you, _or that I'm disgusted by _you_," he said, wrapping his arms around Remus' waist from behind. "It doesn't mean I love you any less than I used to."

Remus stiffened for a moment, then turned around and took a half step back so he could see Sirius' face. Sirius could tell Remus was trying to decide whether he was lying or not, just like Sirius was trying to decided whether or not Remus was frightened. He decided he wasn't frightened when Remus decided he wasn't lying.

"You've gotten so shy," Sirius said, nuzzling Remus' neck. "Not even a kiss?"

Remus' mouth went dry when he looked into Sirius' eyes. "I'm sorry. What..." he stuttered. "What do you want me to do?"

Sirius looked a bit surprised at that. "What do I want you to do?" he asked. "I want you to relax a bit. You're safe now, love, no one's going to hurt you. _I'm_ not going to hurt you."

Remus felt a pang of guilt. He knew Sirius wouldn't hurt him, would _never_ hurt him. He may not have known what he was afraid of, exactly, but he knew it wasn't Sirius. How could he have let him think that? Had he really been that self-centered for the last few weeks? To make up for his selfishness, Remus leaned forward and let Sirius kiss him.

And Sirius did kiss him, gently, but thoroughly, as if he was trying to catch up on all the kisses he'd missed out on during the last six months. After several minutes they broke apart for air and Sirius softly nudged Remus back down onto the bed. He went willingly.

Remus wanted to do this; he truly did. He wanted to show Sirius that he loved him, that he trusted him. So when Sirius laid on top of him and his heart started to pound painfully he took deep breaths, trying to calm down. He reminded himself that this was Sirius, with whom he'd made love hundreds of times before, Sirius who did not want to hurt him.

And he couldn't do it. He couldn't react to Sirius' touch as he slid his boxers down over his hips. He couldn't soften his lips when Sirius tried to kiss him again. He couldn't even lie still and let Sirius have his way with him. He choked back a sob, wrenched free of Sirius' hands and scrambled off the bed. He ended up huddled on the floor with his back against the wall and his hands gripping his hair so hard it burned.

Sirius stared at the small cowering figure on the floor and felt the bottom fall out of his stomach. Remus was breathing hard and trembling violently. He hadn't wanted to scare him, hadn't meant to scare him... Slowly, he slid off the bed to kneel a few feet from him. "Remus?" No answer, not even a sign that meant he'd heard. "Remus, I- I'm... I don't want to hurt you, you should have told me no." Sirius scooted closer and gently put his hand on Remus' arm. He flinched, but didn't yank his arm out of Sirius' grasp like Sirius had expected him to.

"I'm sorry," he whispered. "I'm sorry, Sirius, I am _so sorry, _I just..."

Sirius let out an angry snort. He shouldn't be sorry. Damn it, it wasn't his fault, it was Sirius'. Sirius and his stupid horny hormones had fucked up yet again.

Remus, though, misinterpreted the angry snort, and it made him feel even worse. Sirius was angry with him, and that's the absolute last thing Remus wanted. But he couldn't do it. He couldn't force himself to get up and lie back down on the bed for Sirius. He wanted to do it. He wanted to make Sirius happy, to thank him for being so patient and so wonderful, but he couldn't. What was worse was he didn't even know why he couldn't. He didn't know what he was afraid of. He had thought it wasn't Sirius, but if it wasn't Sirius why had he panicked?

"Don't be sorry," Sirius said shortly. "It's fine. Would you like to go to sleep?"

Remus just nodded.

"All right, then. Come on," Sirius took Remus' hands, helped him up, and immediately let go once they were standing. They didn't even look at each other as they climbed into bed. This was normally where Sirius would roll over, sling an arm over Remus' waist, and pull him close. Tonight, though, all he did was mutter "Good night," and close his eyes.

Once again, this action was interpreted two different ways. Sirius was too afraid to touch Remus again tonight. He didn't want to frighten him, he didn't want to hurt him, so he decided to give him some space. Remus, though, saw it as a sign of Sirius' anger and frustration. When they were first... together, Remus had been terrified that to Sirius he a fling, or worse yet, just another quick fuck. Sirius had assured him that he wanted more from Remus than just sex. _"Moony, you have to understand something. I don't need your soul, and I don't need your body; I need all of you. Every single part." _And even though Remus had known he was setting himself up for a horrible betrayal, he had believed him.

Now he wasn't so sure. If Sirius treated him this way just because he didn't want to have sex with him... Is that why Sirius was acting the way he was? Maybe it wasn't about the sex, or lack thereof, as the case was. Sirius had never been a patient person, but he had amazed Remus during the last few weeks... Maybe he was finally tired of dealing with a broken Remus?

Remus couldn't stand the thought of that. He needed Sirius right now more than he'd ever needed anything in his entire life. If he left... He threw the covers off of him and got out of bed.

"Where're you going, Moony?" Sirius mumbled.

"Going on a walk,"

"Right now?" Sirius asked incredulously.

"Yeah," Remus said pulling his pants on. "Helps me think, you know?" He pulled on his shoes and tied the laces. "I'll be back in a few minutes, Sirius, just go to sleep, all right?" He grabbed a jacket.

"... Yeah," Sirius stared at Remus as he walked out of their flat. His heart felt like it was about to pummel its way out if his chest. No matter how much he tried to reason with himself, there was _definitely _something suspicious about taking a walk at 2:30 in the morning. He pressed the palms of his hands into his eyes. _No, no, no, no, no... _he thought, _Remus is not the spy. He wouldn't do that. He would never betray me..._ He repeated it over and over again, his private mantra to keep the demons away. And he was still repeating it three hours later when Remus finally stumbled back into bed. But like all words that are repeated too much and too often, they lost all the meaning they'd ever had.


	13. Chapter 13

CHAPTER 13

One thing that had always disgusted Peter was the ease at which Sirius and Remus touched each other. At Hogwarts they had been touching in some way; holding hands, playing footsie during breakfast, lunch, and dinner, an arm slung casually over a shoulder. Once Peter had even seen Sirius feeling Remus up in the middle of Potions. Once the initial awkwardness of his two best mates being together had worn off, James hadn't minded all the touching. Once all the girls had gotten over the heartbreak of discovering that Sirius Black was, in fact, gay, they had all decided them touching each other exactly like other straight couples did was extremely "cute".

Peter did not think it was "cute", and he'd been cruelly delighted when he realized that, since Remus' return, he and Sirius no longer touched. At first Sirius had tried. He had tried wrapping his arms around Remus, tried holding his hand, tried to initiate every little intimate touch they used to have. Peter had noticed Remus' discomfort, just like Sirius had, and he'd seen the guilt in Sirius' eyes. So, during the last month and a half, Peter had quite enjoyed Remus' new no-touching policy.

But tonight something was different. Peter saw Sirius' hand linger on Remus' arm as he reached for a fork. He saw him reach and tentatively stroke the hair on the nape of Remus' neck, and more yet, saw Remus smile at him.

This was not good.

Peter knew the little seeds of doubt he'd planted in the Potters minds would never grow if Sirius stood by Remus. He also knew that without a scapegoat he'd be facing the consequences of his actions himself. The very thought of that made him shake. He was so immersed in his thoughts that he said even less than usual during dinner. No one noticed. No once ever noticed him; not even his friends when the werewolf was around. Lily was still eyeing Remus a bit suspiciously because of their run-in with the Death Eaters, (and Peter still had the mark on his chest where James' curse had hit him,) but James was looking at Remus with almost as much awe as Sirius was. When Remus had left to go to the bathroom, James had leaned towards Sirius and with a smile on his face whispered, "What happened?"

"I don't know," Sirius said, his smile even bigger than James'. "But he seems all right, doesn't he?"

"Yeah," James had said, smile fading a bit. Peter knew why. No matter how much Remus had improved, he still wasn't behaving like he used to.

Immediately after dinner with his friends, on his way to the planned Death Eater gathering, Peter was especially careful to not let anyone see him. He might as well have not gone to the meeting at all. He just stood there, silent and ignored (which was the way he liked it,) until You-Know-Who dismissed them.

He had been about to leave when Lucius Malfoy grabbed his arm and yanked him away from the door and hissed in his ear, "When will you bring Lupin back to me? It's been six weeks, Wormtail-"

"I'm working on it!" Peter said in a strained whisper.

"You say that every time," Lucius slammed him against the wall and took of his own mask so Peter could see the very angry, very frightening look on his face. "You bring him to me, and _soon_. If you don't, not only will you never get another chance to shove that little dick of yours up his ass, but you won't have a dick any more." He slammed peter against the wall one more time and left.

Peter, humiliated and positively fuming, practically sprinted out the doors of the abandoned warehouse and up the street until he was out of sight. Then he slowed and meandered down random streets and alleys. He always did this after a Death Eater meeting, just incase he was being followed.

Peter was so angry he was shaking. He remembered the night Lucius had let him... use Remus very clearly. He remembered how hard he'd gotten from the sight of Remus on his knees, trembling, naked, blindfolded with his hands tied behind his back. Peter had insisted on the blindfold. He didn't think he'd be able to do it if he had to see Remus' eyes. He was doubly grateful now that Remus had escaped. If he'd seen Peter with the Death Eaters and remembered it, Peter probably wouldn't be alive. If Remus had told Sirius what Peter had done to him, he _definitely_ wouldn't be alive. But as it stood now, Remus wouldn't know Peter had hurt him even if he suddenly remembered everything, and that was perfectly fine with him.

He'd just wanted to try it. He needed to see if it really was as good as Sirius always said it was. Peter hated to admit it, but he remembered the feeling of Remus, tight and hot around his cock, and he knew that Sirius had been telling the truth. This fact disturbed him more than anything. He was _not_ a fag, no matter how many times James and Sirius had teased him about it. Lucius reminding him of that night so blatantly and so vulgarly was almost as bad as calling him gay to his face, and then announcing it to the rest of the world.

So once Lucius got his hands on Remus again, Peter wouldn't get to play with him. So what? He didn't want to do it again, did he? No, of course he didn't. It was a one-time-only thing, strictly an experiment. Only fags did it more than once... once was all right.

He turned one last corner and was about to Disapparate to his house (well, technically it was his mother's house,) when he saw Remus.

He was standing under a streetlight, his jacket pulled tight around his shoulders despite the warm June night, slowly inching away from another man. They were talking, but Peter couldn't hear what they were saying. He hesitated, wondering if he should try to eavesdrop, or play it safe and go home before Remus saw him. Before he could decide, Remus' eyes flickered over the man's shoulder and focused on him. Remus' eyes widened comically, then a look of relief washed over his face. The man he was talking to saw this change and glanced over his shoulder.

It was Severus Snape.

What the hell was Remus doing talking to _Snape_, a known Death Eater, at three o'clock in the morning?

He made his way over to them slowly, laughing hysterically inside. He had needed something, anything, to convince the others that Remus was the spy, and Remus had just given it to him. This was so much better than just turning Remus back over to Lucius. This would do more than just kill Remus. This would completely break Sirius, and that was something Peter had always wanted to see.

"Hey, Moony," Peter said, taking extra pains to let just the right amount of suspicion creep into his voice. "What are you doing?"

"I..." Remus faltered, his face incredibly pale. "I was just going on a walk and I met Severus."

Snape sneered at him, but said nothing.

"Oh," Peter said.

"And, uumm..." Remus ran a nervous hand through his hair. "I'm just, uh, going home now, so..."

"I'll walk with you," Peter said, looking at Snape pointedly. The smile Remus gave him positively radiated relief and gratitude.

"All right,"

They left Snape standing there beneath the streetlight, and Peter was still laughing inside.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

When Severus had seen Lupin meandering down the street at three o'clock in the morning, his initial reaction was utter bewilderment. What the _fuck_ was he doing? His second reaction was fear. There had been a meeting of nearly forty Death Eaters not three blocks from where they were now, if any of them saw him...

"Lupin!" he called sharply. The man jumped and looked around frantically until he saw Severus. His face paled immediately. _Good,_ Snape thought. _At least he has enough sense to be afraid of a Death Eater. _Severus belatedly wondered if Remus remembered enough to recognize his voice...

"Hello, Snape," Lupin said haltingly.

Severus approached him without hesitation. "You're out late... on the hunt, perhaps?"

Lupin winced slightly at the insinuation, but said, "No, I just umm... I just needed to think and walking helps me think so I... went on a walk,"

"I see," he drawled, letting the words drip with disdain. He phrased his next sentence carefully; he needed to warn Lupin, without seeming like he was... "I'd be careful if I were you. If you don't watch your step you could end up in the same... situation as before." He was deliberately vague, but from the way Lupin's face paled even further, he knew the message had been received. Severus looked at him closely, wondering how much he knew and how much he remembered, and was suddenly reminded of the night he'd rescued Lupin and taken him to Lily's. More specifically, he was reminded of the way Black and screamed his name when he'd finally recognized him, and of how Black had cradled Lupin to his chest and gently smoothed the hair out of his face. Severus didn't like Lupin, and he positively despised Black, but he wasn't entirely heartless. That... that relationship, the connection between the two of them wasn't something he wanted to see broken.

"I... well..." Lupin stuttered, then his eyes flickered to something behind Severus, and his eyes grew wide. Snape looked over his shoulder and saw Pettigrew making his way towards them.

"Hey, Moony," Pettigrew said suspiciously. "What are you doing?"

"I..." Remus said, once again going pale. If the man lost anymore color he'd be as transparent as a ghost. "I was just going on a walk and I met Severus."

Severus pulled his best sneer without much effort. He'd always been a bit disgusted by Pettigrew himself. How his "friends" managed to put up with him, he didn't know.

"Oh," Peter said.

"And, uumm..." Remus ran a nervous hand through his hair. Severus noted how badly he was trembling and felt the tiniest pang in his chest. This really wasn't the Remus Lupin he'd gone to school with. "I'm just, uh, going home now, so..."

"I'll walk with you," Pettigrew said, throwing Snape a suspicious look. Severus barely kept his eyes from rolling. As if a suspicious look from Peter Pettigrew would have any effect on him whatsoever.

"All right," Lupin smiled, extremely relived. They turned and left without another word.

Secretly, Severus was relieved as well. Lupin was bound to get recaptured wandering about on his own in the middle of the night, and Severus didn't think he could pull off rescuing him twice, or live with not trying to save him, even if it was for the second time. Granted, Pettigrew wasn't much protection, but it was some, and at least he was on his way home to Black.

A/N:

hey everyone! in case you were wondering/confused/worried i just kind of consolidated some of the shorter chapters. everything is still there and in the same order, but just kind of moved, and i'm sorry for the three or four of you who were reading it while i was changing it. I bet it was confusing for a while.

so... there's this odd trend going with my story and reviews. Every chapter has either 1 review, or three. Odd, huh? i have an idea! let's break the trend! let's have FOUR reviews for this chapter! please? I bet you all hate Peter right now and I can't wait to hear all about it! thank you!! luvs to all!


	14. Chapter 14

Yay! you are all absolutely amazing, thank you all so so much for answering my questions, it really helped a lot.

So, I've decided that I _will_ write two different endings, my unpleasant plans for the puppies will happen, and I will post the little fic about the 5 months Remus doesn't remember... eventually. :P

So, the first ending will be the cannon ending like I had originally planned. For those of you who absolutely don't want to even read it, you're going to have to wait until you see another post called AUTHOR'S NOTE. After that, it will be AU. (but honestly, that probably won't be for a while. Sorry.)

And for those of you who don't want to read the explicit unpleasant things I have planned, I'll put warnings at the beginnings of the chapters.

Anyway, thanks again! You're awesome and I love you all. :D

CHAPTER 14

Sirius was in a pissy mood. He had barely gotten three hours of sleep the night before, Remus wouldn't look him in the eye, at the office Mad-Eye had ripped him a new asshole, (Sirius still wasn't sure what for). He was angry with himself doubting Remus, and he was angry with Remus for giving him reason to doubt him. And to top it all off, he was about to go have a beer with Peter.

It's not that Sirius didn't like Peter, (they were friends, after all,) but he wasn't in the mood to deal with timid, dull, little Peter who could get on everyone's nerves even at the best of times. But the little rat had been very insistent that Sirius meet him in a little Muggle pub about 20 blocks from his and Remus' flat, and Sirius had told him yes just to shut the twerp up.

A scowl was fixed firmly on his face as he entered the pub, glancing around for Peter. It was busy and loud and cramped and the cigarette smoke was so thick in the air he almost choked. Peter was in a dark corner, in a booth all by himself, nursing a bottle of something. Sirius walked over and when he plopped down onto the seat across from him, Peter jumped and let out a little squawk. It really was no surprise that his animagus form was a rat.

"Jumpy, Wormtail?" Sirius asked, raising an eyebrow.

"You just surprised me, is all," Peter scowled while reaching for a napkin to wipe up the beer he'd managed to slosh out of his bottle.

_Who the hell manages to slosh beer out of a bottle?_ Sirius thought disinterestedly. Then he sighed and sat back.

"You look like hell, Paddy," Peter said.

"Don't call me 'Paddy'," Sirius growled. "And of course I look like hell. I only got about three hours of sleep last night."

"Why?"

Sirius looked at Peter for a moment, wondering how much he should tell him about last night's little fiasco in the bedroom, and about Remus going for a walk. He didn't want Peter spreading that around, the walking part at least. Enough people already doubted Remus...

Including himself.

At that thought, he sighed and told Peter everything: how Remus had kissed him for the first time in six and a half months, how he'd panicked when Sirius had tried to have sex with him, and, somewhat hesitantly, how Remus had 'gone on a walk' and hadn't come back until almost five o'clock in the morning.

Peter looked at him for a moment and then said hesitantly, "What do you think..."

"What do I think he did?" Sirius finished for him. "I don't know. I'm not sure I want to know." And this was true. Knowing what Remus had done would either confirm or deny his suspicions. If knowing told him that Remus _wasn't_ the spy, that he _hadn't_ betrayed him, Sirius would be absolutely ecstatic. But there was always a chance that knowing would confirm his suspicions, and that was something Sirius did not want. He's rather live with Remus and a little doubt in his heart than _know_ he was a traitor and live without him. He knew it was pathetic, that he wouldn't take the chance of finding out, but he was afraid, _so _afraid that it wouldn't be what he wanted to hear-

"I know what he did," Peter said flatly.

Sirius felt his mouth go dry. His heart started to pound. "You do?"

"Yes," Peter nodded solemnly. "Well... part of it, at least. That's kind of why I wanted to talk to you so badly."

Sirius stared at his friend for a solid two minutes blinking rapidly. _Be brave,_ he thought._ Gryffindor's are supposed to be brave, Goddammit, be brave. You can stand to hear this._ Finally he was able to choke out, "What?"

"Last night, after we all ate dinner together, I wasn't ready to go home, so I came here for a few hours. I left at about two-thirty, maybe three, and I was walking home, when I turned a corner, and saw Remus talking to Severus Snape."

"_Snape_?" Sirius hissed. "What the hell was he doing with _Snape_?"

"I don't know," Peter shrugged. "But as soon as he saw me, he went kind of pale and got very nervous. I walked him home, just... you know. Just in case."

Sirius didn't say anything. He just glared across the pub with his teeth clenched.

"And I don't know exactly what it means. I mean... I'm not making any insinuations, I just thought you should know."

"Yeah," Sirius said, still not looking at Peter. They sat that way for several minutes, Peter nursing his drink, and Sirius staring off into space, before Sirius snapped out of his daze. He stood suddenly, muttered, "See you later, Pete," and left the pub.

Peter watched him leave with a smirk on his face, and ordered another beer.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Remus was curled up on the couch reading a book. Well... he wasn't really reading it. He'd just pulled it off the shelf and had been staring at the some spot for at least an hour now. He was waiting for Sirius to get home.

That morning, Remus had been too afraid to look Sirius in the eye. He was ashamed of how he'd reacted to Sirius' advances, and worried that Sirius was angry because of it. He'd been too Goddamn cowardly to look Sirius in the eye and tell him, _I'm sorry._ He was. He was so sorry, it physically hurt him, but he couldn't think of a way to make it up to Sirius without putting out, and no matter how much he wanted to, he wasn't sure he could when the time came. So he'd decided that he'd just _tell_ Sirius. Tell him that it wasn't his fault, that Remus wasn't afraid of _him,_ but that he was afraid of being held down, that the feeling of Sirius' leg pushing against his groin, however gently, made him sick to his stomach, that that Sirius' hard cock against his leg had scared him worse than anything he could remember. He would have to tell Sirius that he didn't know why he felt this way, (because he didn't,) but maybe just talking to him would help-

The door burst open so suddenly that Remus jumped. Sirius stormed in and slammed the door behind him. He didn't even look at Remus as he passed him on his way to the bedroom, but Remus knew he was angry.

"Sirius," Remus asked, standing up. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing," Sirius snarled and slammed the bedroom door as well, leaving Remus on the wrong side.


	15. Chapter 15

CHAPTER 15

_Prongs,_

_Moony's been acting a little-_

_I think Moony might be-_

_Fuck, I'm just going to say it. Moony's been acting very strangely lately, and I'm starting to think that he's... you know, the spy. He's been going on a lot of walks and the other day Wormtail said he saw him talking to Severus Snape (a DEATH EATER!), at three o'clock in the morning. He won't talk to me, he won't touch me, and he lies about where he goes when he goes for a walk. I know he's a good liar, but by now I've gotten pretty good at knowing when he's telling the truth or not, and Prongs, he _lied.

_But, mate, I don't know what to do! I want to ask him straight up whether it's him or not. If it isn't him he'll tell me no. If it is him, he'll still tell me no. If he's the spy he;ll leave because I know, and if he isn't, he'll leave because I don't trust him and if that's the case, I don't blame him. Either way I'll end up alone._

_But, Goddammit, I _know _it's him. Who else has a motive to switch sides? Moony's problem may not be with the Order or with us, but can anyone blame him for hating the Ministry and all they're rules and laws about him and his furry little problem? Now, I'm not excusing it, I'm just saying he really is the only one with a motive and opportunity because the more I think about it, the more I think that this whole thing is an act. It's been two months! Surely he should be over whatever happened by now, or should at least remember it. I mean, nothing could damage someone that badly, right?_

_Anyway, I really have no clue what to do. I'm so fucking confused right now. I just wanted to let you know._

_~ Padfoot_

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

_Padfoot,_

_If you're so sure, why haven't you kicked his ass out yet?_

_~ Prongs_

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

_Prongs,_

_I have no idea..._

_~ Padfoot_

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

The tension in the air was palpable. If the bond connecting Sirius and Remus was a string, then somehow, someone had stretched it to the breaking point. And neither of them knew how to fix it. It wasn't as though they didn't _want_ to fix it, it was that they couldn't.

Sirius grew increasingly bitter about the whole situation as time wore on. He felt like he was being cheated on. In all of his romantic conquests, he'd only been cheated on once before, back at school, and not by Remus. Her name was Angela, and every time he thought of her, he remembered what it had felt like to walk in on her and whoever she had been fucking that wasn't Sirius. It was like he'd been walking down the stairs in the dark and there was one more step than he'd thought there was. He remembered how humiliated and hurt he had been after she'd told him, _"You're a fucking Sex-God, Sirius, but you're also a man-whore. If you can mess around, so can I."_

This statement was horribly, painfully true. While Sirius had never been exactly proud of that fact, he'd never expected it to have it thrown back in his face.

This time there wasn't the horrifying lurch in his stomach, but there was plenty of humiliation and hurt, and more yet, a low simmering anger. He wasn't angry with only Remus, he was angry with the whole fucking situation. If Voldemort had never been born, Remus and Sirius would have lived happily ever after. If Remus hadn't been bitten by a werewolf, none of this would have ever happened. If Sirius himself hadn't been so blind, he might have caught the signs earlier and caught Remus before he got in too deep with the Death Eaters. He could have saved Remus, like he was supposed to.

But Voldemort had been born, Remus was a werewolf, and Sirius had let his boyfriend down. And even if Sirius knew Remus was the spy, that didn't change the fact that he loved him. Sometimes he loved him so much it hurt. So, the question was: What was Sirius going to do about it?

Two weeks after the night Remus had gone on his first "walk" Sirius found an answer to that question. He'd been at work talking to Mad-Eye Moody and James when the answer came to him, and damn, did it come hard. Sirius had felt as though he'd just been hit by the Knight Bus, and it must have shown on his face because even Mad-Eye asked him if he was feeling all right. The honest answer was no, he was not all right, and he told Mad-Eye so. He obviously believed Sirius, because he told him to take the rest of the day off. Sirius had wandered out of the Ministry in a daze.

He knew what he had to do, the question was, would he be able to do it?

The entire way home, he took deep breaths, and blinked furiously. He was trying desperately to keep himself under control. He couldn't lose it, not in the middle of a street, surrounded by Muggles. They'd probably have him committed. By the time he reached the door to their flat his heart was pounding, his mouth was dry, and his breaths were coming in short, quick gasps. He kept repeating what he was going to say to Remus in his mind, rehearsing them, perfecting them.

The lights were off. No one was home.

For one insane moment, Sirius thought, _He's gone... I don't have to do it!_ But then he walked into the kitchen and saw the note from Remus on the little table.

_Went on a walk. Be back soon._

_~ Remus_

Sirius closed his eyes for a moment and took a deep breath. When he was calmed down a bit, he went to the bedroom to get ready.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

"Can I talk to you?" Sirius asked as he walked out of the kitchen towards the couch where Remus sat reading a book. He stopped several feet from the werewolf, as though he was afraid to get too close.

"Of course," Remus said, immediately putting the book down and turning to look at Sirius. It was the first time he'd actually looked at him all day long. "What's wrong?"

Sirius took a deep breath and said, "I'm staying at James' tonight. You better not be here when I get home from work tomorrow."

Remus stood up suddenly, then was still for a few moment moments, stunned and blinking rapidly, before he said haltingly, "You... you're kicking me out?"

"Shit, and they call you smart. Yes, I'm kicking you out; I'm breaking up with you." Sirius let contempt that he didn't feel sneak into his voice

"All right..." Remus said quietly, but Sirius could still hear the pain in his voice, could see it in his eyes and in every line of his body. Right then Sirius hated him, truly hated him, for being able to deal with this so calmly despite his obvious pain. They were silent for several more minutes before Remus asked, in the most pathetic, miserable voice Sirius had ever heard, "Why?"

"Why?" Sirius repeated, this time trying to sound angry. His heart started to pound. It wasn't true; he didn't want to say it, but he knew he had to. He knew he had to hurt Remus as badly as possible, as quickly as possible, because if Remus actually broke down in front of him, if he begged Sirius to stay, he knew he would, and that was something he couldn't let himself do. "Because when I started going out with you it was under the impression that werewolves were good fucks. Now I can't even get that. If you won't put out, what use are you?"

Sirius could practically hear Remus' heart breaking, and fuck, it broke his heart too. "Sirius, if... if you want we can. I... I mean... I'll try, I just... I'm-"

"Scared? I don't want to hear it, Remus. You've been nothing but scared for months now. Why don't you show some goddamn backbone?"

"Sirius, please-"

"It's too late, Remus. Don't beg. It just makes you look even more pathetic." Inside Sirius was screaming, _I don't mean it! I don't mean it, Remus, please, don't let me leave, don't let me walk out of that door-_

"But-"

"No! All right? It's over! I want you out by tomorrow and if I ever see you anywhere near Harry, James, Lily, or Peter again, I swear to God, Remus, I'll kill you myself."

He turned away before he could see the look on Remus' face. He picked up the duffel bag he'd put by the door, earlier before Remus had gotten back from his "walk". He left the flat. He didn't slam the door, but he didn't look back either.

A/N:

wow... I'm so incredibly depressed right now... please review and tell me if that was as heartbreaking as i meant it to be! please? thanks!

ugh, and ok, i am SO sorry if you guys got messages telling you that i put up more than one new chapter! i feel like a complete idiot. I didn't put up more than one, i just accidentally deleted some and i needed to put them back up. anyway, i think i finally got them all renamed and in the right order and i'm really really really sorry i just... ugh... i don't know. It's skynet! they;re out to get me, i swear!

anyway, sorry again.


	16. Chapter 16

CHAPTER 16

Sirius had meant to hurt him, had wanted to hurt him as badly as possible in the few minutes he could stand to be in his company. And it did hurt. It felt like there was a big empty space in the center of his chest, (where whatever he and Sirius had had used to live,) and that space kept trying to suck things into it so it wouldn't be so empty, but the only things close enough were his heart and his lungs and it was tearing and clawing at them. Remus knew by now they must be a bloody, shredded mess, because he could barely breathe, and every time his heart beat it was just pumping a poison out to his limbs that made them ache. It was midnight, six hours after Sirius had left, and the vacuum still wasn't satisfied. What did it want? What did he need to do to make it stop? Stab it? Drown it in Firewhisky?

He truly did not know what to do. Should he stay and try to talk to Sirius the next day when he returned home? Should he go to Lily and James' right now to talk to him, to beg him to come back, to prove to him that Remus could do anything he wanted as long as he didn't leave him alone?

The answer to both questions was: yes, he should, but no, he couldn't. Sirius had said that if he ever came near the Potters or Peter again, that he'd kill Remus himself. Remus believed him, and he wasn't afraid to die, but he was afraid to be killed by Sirius: afraid of the look of disgust and contempt that would be on his face and of the horribly true things he would say.

But where would he go? He hadn't had a job in almost a year now. He had no money of his own, so he couldn't rent a flat or even a hotel room. _I could go to Fenrir,_ Remus thought, and laughed bitterly. He knew Fenrir would take him back... and then turn him back over to the Death Eaters.

That thought made Remus go cold. It would be much easier for them to find him now with no one to make sure he came home at night, no protections over his home, (assuming he could find a place to live). Remus couldn't remember what they had done to him, but he knew he never wanted it to happen again, and Remus was the only person on earth who cared enough to make sure it wouldn't.

He realized then that his only option was to start packing. He stood up and walked to the bedroom, feeling like he usually did when he was about to pass out: a little light headed, like he wasn't even the one controlling his body. He pulled a duffel bag out of the closet and started going through the dresser, wondering what he should pack and what he should leave for Sirius. (They shared clothes. This meant that most of their shirts were a bit big for Remus, whose shoulders were narrower than Sirius', but it also meant that they had twice as many clothes.) How much should he take? If he took too much would Sirius report him for robbery? He didn't think Sirius would do that, but then again, he hadn't thought Sirius would say the things he had said...

_If you won't put out, what use are you?_

So Sirius thought Remus was only good for sex. This was more than Remus' own parents had thought of him, but it still hurt.

_You've been nothing but scared for months now. Why don't you show some goddamn backbone?_

Scared? Yes, he was scared, he was fucking terrified. A month ago, he wouldn't have been able to say exactly what it was that he was afraid of, but he definitely had been afraid. Two weeks ago, the unnamed fear had been replaced by a much stronger one: he had been afraid Sirius would leave him. In fact this possibility was so frightening that Remus found he could barely move in Sirius' presence. He couldn't speak to him, touch him, or even fucking _look_ at him because he was so afraid that if he did the wrong thing, Sirius would leave him. So he'd decided to play it safe and not do anything, to just be still and silent and maybe Sirius would get over whatever had made him so angry. Remus even stopped waking Sirius up after he had a nightmare; instead he'd go on a walk until he calmed down. He had tried so hard to keep Sirius.

Apparently he hadn't tried hard enough.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

"James," Lily whispered.

"Mmm?"

She rolled over to look at her husband. His eyes were shut and his mouth was open. He was awake, but barely. "You should go check on Sirius," she whispered.

"Mmm," he said again.

"James," she said again, poking him.

"Don'wanna," he muttered, shifting a bit before going still again.

"He seemed really upset," Lily persevered. "Go make sure he's all right."

"He just realized his boyfriend of five years betrayed him. Of course he's not all right," James finally opened his eyes to look at her. "It's almost one in the morning, Lily. Most likely he's asleep by now. I'll talk to him in the morning."

"Just go check," she repeated.

Realizing that she wasn't going to stop bothering him until he did, James sighed, got out of bed, and padded his way out of the bedroom and down the hall to their guest bedroom. The door was slightly ajar and it was dark inside. James peered in and saw Sirius' outline: a miserable, huddled mass on the floor next to the bed. He sighed. Lily was always right.

"Sirius?" he said quietly, opening the door and flicking on the light. Sirius didn't even move. He just stayed there, hugging his knees to his chest. James hesitated in the doorway for a moment, then went and sat next to his friend. He didn't know what to do or say, so he just sat there, staring at the wall and feeling Sirius trembling beside him. After a few minutes of silence Sirius managed to choke out, "I'm such a bastard, James."

"What?" James asking, giving him an incredulous look. "Remus betrayed us, tried to sell us out to Voldemort, and _you're_ the bastard? How does that work?"

"You weren't there," Sirius said in a pathetic, miserable little whisper. He grabbed a handful of hair, and James noticed for the first time that he was crying. "You didn't hear the things I said. You didn't see the look on his face..."

"What did you say?" James asked, belatedly realizing his tactlessness. But Sirius just closed his eyes and shook his head as more tears rolled down his cheeks. "Padfoot," James said patiently. "You did what you had to do. You said it yourself: he's a traitor. What were you supposed to do? Keep on living with him and wait to be betrayed to the Death Eaters?" Sirius just shook his head again. "You did the right thing, mate."

"That's just it, James," Sirius gasped, still sobbing silently. "I don't think I did. I think I just made the biggest mistake of my life." And he did think it. How could he have thought Remus was the spy? How could he have ever lost faith in him? And why was he just sitting here talking about it?

Sirius stood suddenly.

"Where are you going?" James asked, surprised.

"I'm going back," he said, reaching for his coat.

"Going back?" James stood as well. "Why the hell are you going back?"

"I was wrong, James!" Sirius said. "Remus is not the spy. I need to go fix things."

"How do you know?" James said. Sirius made his way for the door. "Sirius, stop!" He did, but he didn't turn around. "How do you know?"

"I just... I just know, all right?" Sirius said, looking over his shoulder.

"Look, Padfoot," James sighed. "Right now is not the time to be deciding anything. You're upset. Just wait, ok? Get some sleep. If you still think it was a mistake in the morning, go back to your flat and talk to him."

Sirius stood there for a few moments. He didn't say anything, but James knew he was thinking about what he had said. Finally he turned around, took off his jacket, and laid down on the bed.

"Thank you," James sighed. He walked to the door and turned off the light. "Good night."

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Remus zipped shut the duffle bag and took one last look around the apartment. He'd packed about half of the clothes, a few of his favorite books, and all of the emergency stash of gold he and Sirius kept in a kitchen drawer. With the money he would probably be able to rent out a room until he was able to find a job.

He didn't want to leave, but he wanted to stay even less. He didn't think he could stand waking up in the apartment, in the _bed_ that he and Sirius had shared for four years now, and realize that Sirius wasn't there with him. Yes, it was almost two in the morning, and yes, he probably wouldn't be able to find a place to stay, but he didn't think he'd be able to sleep anyway. So he was leaving tonight.

He'd considered writing Sirius a letter and leaving it on the kitchen table where he'd find it the next day when he returned home, but what would he say? '_I'm sorry'? 'Go fuck yourself'? 'I still love you'? _He couldn't say any of those things, even though he was feeling them all. He didn't leave a note.

He pulled on a jacket, turned off the lights, and left.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Sirius stood in the living room of his flat, (_his _flat, not _their _flat, not any more). He felt completely hollow. He'd known, just _known_ that Remus would be here, and that he'd forgive Sirius for the things he'd said, and then things would go right back to normal.

But Remus wasn't here. He'd left. Sirius could only think of two reasons why Remus would leave. He'd either figured out that Sirius suspected him, and he was the spy, in which case he would have needed to leave, and quickly. Or he didn't want anything to do with him after the things he'd said, and honestly, Sirius couldn't blame him.

Either way, Remus wasn't coming back.

A/N:

hello everyone. Yes this chapter ended rather badly. I had it going and then it just died, I'm not sure what happened. I'm sorry. But I'll make it up to you next chapter I promise. I have evil plans in mind... Mwahahaha! :P


	17. Chapter 17

WARNING: There is very explicit nastiness in this chapter. If you don't want to read it, skip the italics. (don't worry, if you do, you will still know what's going on.)

CHAPTER 17

_Remus gasped as the spurred gag was forced into his mouth, spreading his jaws wide. The sudden, sparking pain made his eyes water. He was pushed roughly forward and barely caught himself before his face could hit the floor. There were four men in the room. He couldn't see them because of his blindfold, but he heard them all laugh._

_"There we go, Lupin. God, you look good like that, on all fours," Fenrir Greyback ran his hands down Remus' back, digging his fingernails in as hard as he could. Suddenly he shoved two dry fingers into his hole and Remus whimpered in pain. "You're still so fucking tight. I think I'll take you just like this: doggie style." Fenrir chuckled and removed his fingers. Remus felt something much larger probe his entrance and before he had time to beg Fenrir to please, just spit on his cock first, don't put in it in dry, please- Greyback was in him, all the way to the hilt and it took all of Remus' self control to reduce his scream to a whimper. Fenrir moaned in ecstasy and started thrusting into Remus so hard, Remus was afraid he'd leave permanent damage. After a few minutes of agonized silence, Remus could no longer hold back his cries of pain. He let out a high pitched, keening whimper every time Fenrir moved._

_Fenrir reached forward, grabbed a handful of hair, and yanked Remus' head back. "Shut up, bitch," he snarled. But Remus couldn't help it; it hurt so bad his arms were shaking and he didn't think he would be able to hold himself up for much longer._

_"Here," said one of the other men. "This'll keep him quiet." _

_And suddenly a long, hard cock was being shoved down Remus throat. He let out a muffled, startled yell before the cock hit the back of his throat, making him gag. He wanted to bite down, like he'd bitten Lucius, but the spurred gag was still tearing into his mouth, holding his jaws apart. The only thing he could to was focus on breathing and pray he wouldn't suffocate before the man was done._

_It seemed to go on for ages, Fenrir thrusting into him from behind would force him further onto the other man's cock, making him gag and choke. Finally, he felt the man before him spasm, and Remus worked to swallow his come before he inhaled and choked to death on it. Immediately after, Fenrir's thrusts became erratic and a few thrusts later he was being filled with Fenrir's hot, sticky essence. Fenrir pulled out, and Remus felt his arms give out; he let himself sink to the floor, grateful that it was over._

_But he'd forgotten the other two men in the room._

_When one of them grabbed his shoulders and rolled him over onto his back, Remus lashed out and was amazed when his hand connected with flesh. He was backhanded harshly and rolled back over so they could tie his hands behind his back. He was rolled back over onto his stomach and the man entered him so suddenly and harshly that Remus really did scream. _

_"I thought we told you to shut up?" the fourth voice snarled, and Remus felt the tip of another cock pass his lips._

_"Wait a second, David," said the man currently inside of Remus. "I have a better idea."_

_He maneuvered them until Remus was on top, sitting on his cock. The man was lying flat on the ground his his hands clamped down over Remus' hips. Remus was slightly confused; he didn't know what he had in mind. And then he felt the other man behind him, forcing a finger into his torn, bloody hole that was already filled. Remus, realizing what was going to happen let out a terrified sob, and the man beneath him grabbed his neck and pulled him down so Remus was lying on his chest. He felt the other man move behind him again, and suddenly it was like he was being split in two. He hadn't thought it would fit. The tearing, burning sensation of before was nothing compared to this. His vision started to go black, and he was thankful. He would pass out and not have to feel the rest of this-_

_But then they pulled out and thrust in together, and his pain was doubled. He hadn't thought that was possible, it had already hurt so much. He couldn't hold it back any longer. He screamed as loudly as possible. He screamed until he thought his throat would bleed. And to his surprise, Fenrir didn't try to shut him up. He just laughed._

_- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -_

It was his own screaming that woke him. He sat up suddenly and lashed out, but there was nothing there: no Lucius Malfoy, no Fenrir Greyback, no Sirius. Remus was still breathing hard as he sank back down onto his pillow. He closed his eyes tightly and grabbed two fistfuls of hair. He remembered. Sweet fucking Jesus, he remembered.

He remembered being caught, being beaten senseless, remembered the feeling of the Cruciatus Curse gnawing away at his bones and his mind. He remembered being naked in that pitch black, tiny little cell for so long that he'd thought he'd died and been mummified. He remembered the pure hell of the full moons; the wolf was so angry and scared it had almost tore itself apart trying to get out of the cell, trying to get at the people who had hurt it so badly. But most of all he remembered how their hands had felt on him, how they had used him, laughed at and humiliated him. How he had been forced to beg to be raped, and then forced to say thank you afterwards. He remembered all the things Lucius had said to him, and he remembered agreeing with him.

He remembered _everything. _

If only he could have remembered everything a month ago... things might have been so different...

At that thought Remus started to cry.

"No," he said to the darkness. "Get out of my head. I don't want you there, I don't want to remember. Get out, get out, get out!"

And he didn't want to remember. Not at all. Now that he'd already lost everything, what was the point in remembering? What good would it do? It would only give him worse nightmares, he would only think about it every second of every day. He didn't need to remember it, so why had it come back? And now, of all times? Now, when it was too late to do anything. Now, when he could barely tell his little flat from the cell he'd been kept in. Now, when he was alone with no one to hold him and reassure him that he was _not_ back in that tiny little hell-hole, that Lucius was _not_ about to walk him and hurt him. Without that reassurance Remus couldn't tell if he really was at home, or if he was still being held prisoner.

The tears were streaming down the sides of his face and into the hair at his temples. He was crying so hard he knew he was going to be sick, but he couldn't calm down. Every little scene kept playing in his head like a miniature movie, taunting him. There was nothing to distract him, no one to calm him down and hold him until he fell back asleep. That's all he wanted; someone to hold him. He wanted _Sirius_ to hold him and tell him that he was there, and that no one would ever hurt Remus again. But Sirius wasn't there, and he was alone, save for the demons in his head.


	18. Chapter 18

CHAPTER 18

There was a side to Sirius that James rarely saw, and never liked. It was like he was wearing a coat of diamonds; everything about him was hard and bright. He talked too loudly, laughed too often, and there was a glint in his eyes like he was daring someone to tell him they saw through his facade. James had only seen Sirius like this twice before. The first time had been after he'd found out that bitch Angela had cheated on him. The second time had been after he'd run away from home. Both times had lasted about two weeks, and James had thought two weeks was all the time his best friend needed to sufficiently sulk and pout and get over whatever had upset him. Sirius, contrary to popular belief, rarely pouted or sulked, so James decided that he could let him have two weeks every once in a while.

It had not been two weeks, or three weeks, or even four. It had been eight. It was now September 16th, 1981, _two and a half months _since Sirius kicked Remus out, and Sirius was still wearing his coat of diamonds.

After the fourth week James had started to get worried. Should he say something? What would he say? _'Get over it, already'? 'I'm sorry'?_ Both of those were just the wrong thing. He supposed _'It's not your fault'_ worked, but that didn't change anything and it didn't do any good either.

It wasn't until the sixth week that James realized why this time was different from the others. Remus wasn't there. Two weeks after Sirius and Angela broke up, Sirius and _Remus_ had gotten together. Two weeks after Sirius had run away from home, they'd gone back to Hogwarts, but Sirius wasn't going back to Hogwarts, he was going back to _Remus_. Every time Sirius had been truly upset, he hadn't gotten over it himself, and James definitely hadn't helped. It had always been _Remus_ who pulled Sirius out of his depression.

Now Remus was the cause of his depression.

James hated Remus for this almost more than he hated him for betraying them. It just didn't make sense. James couldn't think of a reason why Remus would double cross them, but if he was going to do it, why did he have to break Sirius' heart in the process? Their fourth year was the first time James had noticed the way Remus looked at Sirius; it was absolute adoration. And as far as James knew, that look had been there ever since. Was Remus really that good of a liar?

It was an odd thing to think about, though, Sirius being heartbroken. Normally James would have applied the term 'heartbroken' to girls and girls only, but there was no other word to describe his best friend right now. James, Lily, and Peter had all been trying their hardest to cheer Sirius up, or at least take his mind off of Remus, (or rather the lack of him), but not even Harry could distract him for more than thirty seconds. At first, James didn't understand this either. They were his friends. You'd think he'd be happy to see them, to know that they were safe because of his, Sirius', actions. But he truly wasn't. And it took James two months to realize why.

No matter how much Sirius loved them, none of them were Remus.

As the Order meeting ended, James watched Sirius stand, and for an instant, he wasn't wearing his coat of diamonds. It slipped off sometimes, mostly when Sirius was about to head home, alone. Sirius' eyes were hollow. They were so lifeless and blank that James was truly frightened. No doubt he was thinking of the types of meetings Remus was attending now, surrounded by people so different from the ones in this room. Remus' new friends were probably narrow-minded, cruel bastards; some of them genuinely evil, others just cowards who wanted to be a piece of something big, something powerful. James wondered what category Remus fell under.

Sirius turned and saw James looking at him. Instantly the coat of diamonds was back on.

"James?"

He turned to see Dumbledore standing beside him. "Yes, sir?"

"Could I have a word with you and Lily?" he asked. "In private?"

"Of course," James said, a bit taken aback. "I'll go get her."

"I'll be waiting in the study," Dumbledore said.

James found Lily talking to Alice Longbottom. He spoke quietly in her ear. The look she gave him was just as confused as James felt, but she nodded, said goodbye to Alice, and followed James out of the little kitchen, down the hallway, and into the study where Dumbledore was sitting with his fingers steepled and a slight frown on his face. The Potters sat in the chairs in front of the desk and glanced at each other nervously. Why did they feel like they were in trouble? After a few minutes of awkward silence in which Dumbledore scrutinized them both, Lily cleared her throat and said "So...?"

"You both understand," Dumbledore began quietly, "How dangerous it is being in the Order, fighting Voldemort. I don't need to tell you that. But I do need to tell you that it's about to get much worse." He paused and looked at his hands. "My source in the Death Eater ranks tells me that Voldemort has made finding the three of you his top priority. He's focusing all of his energy on you. I believe it's time we step up your security."

James and Lily were both silent for a moment before Lily asked, "Why?" James looked at her, saw how scared she was, and wanted to hold her because he was scared too. Lily had never been fond of PDA though, so he had to be satisfied with holding her hand. She continued haltingly, "Is it... because of the thing with Harry?"

"Yes," Dumbledore said without hesitation.

"So what are we going to do?" James asked hoarsely after a few more moments of silence.

"Your best option is the Fidelius Charm, which I would be more than happy to perform for you," Dumbledore said, much more businesslike than a few moments before.

"Like what's on this house?" James asked.

"Yes," Dumbledore said. "But to be effective, yours would have to be much more extensive. No leaving the house, very few visitors, only the few people you tell will even know we performed the charm." When Lily and James didn't say anything, he asked, "Is that what you want?"

"If it will keep Harry safe, of course it's what we want," James sighed, sat back in his chair, and rubbed his face with his hands. "It just doesn't seem like very much fun."

Dumbledore smiled a bit at that. "You'll need a Secret-Keeper, of course."

"Sirius'll do it," James said immediately.

"James..." Dumbledore said haltingly. "I would feel much better if you would allow me to-"

"What?" James sat back up and stared at Dumbledore incredulously. "What's wrong with Sirius?"

"There is a spy in the Order," Dumbledore said calmly. "We all know it, we just don't know who it is."

"We already took care of that problem," James said scowling.

"Maybe," Dumbledore admitted begrudgingly. "But what if you were wrong?"

James literally felt the blood drain from his face. Dumbledore had questioned Sirius, James, and Peter extensively for the reason to their falling out. They'd all given him the same answer because it was the only answer, but all three could tell that he didn't really agree with them. It did nothing but confuse an already conflicted Sirius even more. James just thought it was because Dumbledore wasn't close enough to see all the facts. It had never dawned on him that they might have actually been wrong. But if they _had_ been wrong about Remus, if they had _abandoned _him... "No," James said, answering Dumbledore and the questions racing around his mind. "Sirius would rather die than betray us. We'll use him."

Dumbledore sighed. "You have a few weeks to get your affairs in order. Quit your jobs, starting spreading a story around that you're going abroad until things calm down. People will understand," he added when James opened his mouth to argue the last part. Twenty two years old with a wife and child and he still hated to be thought a coward.... "And please, consider my offer."

"We will," Lily said, with a meaningful look at James, who sighed and nodded just to make her happy. He already had his mind made up.

A/N:

hey everyone. I am so sorry this took so long... i really think this is the longest amount of time i've gone without posting something. I'm sorry, but my confidence in my writing took some serious blows this month and it was hard to get back into it. anyway, not a very eventful chapter, i know, but easter break's this weekend, and i'll probably write more then. Sorry again.


	19. Chapter 19

CHAPTER 19

Sirius saw James and Lily head down the hall to the study. He'd seen Dumbledore walk that same path a few minutes before, so it was obvious he had something he wanted to talk to them about privately, and Sirius understood that. What he didn't understand was why it hurt that James hadn't said goodbye to him first, when all Sirius had wanted a few minutes ago was to escape without having to talk to anyone. Now it was quite the opposite. He literally hadn't said a word all day because there was no one to speak to, and suddenly he was afraid that if he didn't say _something _that everyone would forget about him and leave him in his cold, empty flat, completely alone-

"Hey, Padfoot,"

Sirius jumped and looked around before his eyes landed on Peter standing next to him with a halfhearted smile on his face. "Hey, Wormtail," he sighed. So he hadn't been completely forgotten. If he'd been a different man, he would have thanked Peter.

"You going home?" Peter said, following Sirius as he started for the door.

"Yeah,"

"You walking?"

"Yeah, Pete, I'm walking," Sirius said. He'd been walking home a lot lately; it was more time he didn't have to spend in the flat.

"I'll walk with you."

Sirius almost told him no, and then snorted at his indecisiveness. When he was alone he wanted company, but when he was around people he just wanted to be alone. Remus really had fucked him up. But Peter's house, (his _mother's_ house,) was on the way, so he might as well. "Yeah, all right."

The left the house and started walking in silence. Beside him, Sirius could feel practically feel Peter's unease; the little guy never had liked silence. Once, after an incredibly awkward silence, Peter had said _"Did you know that during every awkward silence, someone's thinking of Abraham Lincoln?"_

_"Wormtail, who the hell is Abraham Lincoln?" _James had asked,

_"I have no idea. But the next time there's an awkward silence, you'll be thinking about him,"_ and he'd grinned from ear to ear.

"What are you smiling about?" Peter asked.

"Abraham Lincoln," Sirius said. They looked at each other, and for a moment Sirius thought Peter wasn't going to get it, and then they both burst out laughing. It was a while before they could make themselves stop, but when Sirius did stop, he remembered that Remus had actually known who Abraham Lincoln was. _"Some famous, dead muggle from across the pond,"_ he'd said, knowing his friends wouldn't care about what the man had done to become famous.

_Damn you, Remus,_ Sirius thought. _Why won't you get out of my head?_ He really didn't know the answer to that question. But he knew the feeling he'd at at James' house- the feeling that he'd made a mistake- was still there, no matter how hard he tried to burry it in bitterness and anger. During the last two and a half months, he'd talked himself into being furious with Remus, into hating him, but that just barely covered his confusion.

Sirius and Peter continued on in silence, this on companionable, rather than awkward. It wasn't quite twilight yet, but the temperature was starting to drop. Sirius didn't have a jacket, and his arms felt a little numb and tingly, like someone had rubbed an ice cube up and down the backs of his arms, even though they weren't wet.

Neither Sirius, nor Peter noticed the man leaning against the wall of a building until he grabbed Sirius by the scruff of the neck and slammed him face first against the wall. Sirius fumbled for his wand, why the hell did he leave it in his pocket? He finally pulled it out, but it was instantly knocked out of his hand. He heard it clatter to the sidewalk just as he heard Peter yelp somewhere behind him. Sirius tried to push off the wall, to get away, to get to Peter, but the man was stronger. This realization was both infuriating and terrifying. He still had hold of the hair at the back of Sirius' head, and he used it to yank his head back and then slam it into the brick wall.

"Hello, Black," said a gravelly voice in his ear.

Sirius didn't recognize the voice, but he didn't like it, either. "What the fuck do you want?" His voice muffled by the wall.

"I was hoping you could help me find someone," the man's hot breath on the back of his neck made Sirius shiver. The man felt it, and chuckled.

"Who?" Sirius gasped, trying not to think of how vulnerable he was, pressed against a brick wall with his arms pinned. He couldn't see anything either, not Peter, not the man behind him, or whoever the man happened to be with.

"Remus Lupin."

Sirius stopped his struggling. "What?"

The man pulled his head back again, but didn't slam it against the wall this time. Instead he said very slowly, "Where. is. Remus. Lupin?"

"I don't know," Sirius said in a strangled voice. He could barely breathe with his head at that angle.

"Yes, you do," the man said, nuzzling his neck. "You still smell like him."

_What the fuck?_ Sirius thought before he realized that the man behind him must be Fenrir Greyback. Only a werewolf would talk about the way he smelled, and only Fenrir would want to find Remus. Sirius just so happened to know where Remus was currently living. About a week after they'd broken up, Dumbledore had talked to Sirius about it, encouraged him to go to Remus and sort things out, even gave him Remus' new address. Sirius really hadn't understood why he'd done it; the only reason he could come up with was that Dumbledore didn't know about Remus being the spy and was therefore worried that the Death Eaters would find him again. Sirius hadn't had the heart to tell him, or the courage to go to Remus and just fucking _ask_, but he still remembered the address.

And after a split second of indecision, he told Greyback where he could find Remus.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Peter could hardly believe his ears when Sirius told Fenrir Greyback where to find Remus. Immediately Peter and Sirius were released and the four men walked off without another word. Sirius stepped away from the wall and watched them go, but Peter stayed exactly where he had been, staring at Sirius with his mouth open.

"Sirius..." he said, his voice sounding small and pathetic even to him, but it wasn't an act and somewhere in the back of his mind, he wondered what that said about him. "Why did you do that?"

"Do what?" Sirius spat defensively.

"Tell them where Remus is!" Peter said, his voice going shrill. He didn't know why he cared all of the sudden, but he did. "Sirius, they're _Death Eaters_-"

"So's Remus!" Sirius yelled. "If they want to find him so they can have a Death Eater, Werewolf meeting or whatever, I'm not going to stop them!"

"But what if..." Peter licked his lips nervously. "What if they want him for something else?"

"What else is there?" Sirius sneered. "The only other thing he's good for is being fucked, and if they want to try to do that, more power to them."

"Sirius!"

"What?!" He finally turned to look at Peter, who faltered at the furious, hateful look on his face.

"Nothing," he said quietly, and followed Sirius down the sidewalk, confused with his reaction. He'd wanted this, hadn't he? He'd wanted to destroy Remus, to get rid of him. He'd wanted to see Sirius break... Maybe he'd just never thought it would happen so never thought about what it would be like if it did.

Did he regret what he'd done? No, not really. He'd wanted Remus gone, and now he was, but he didn't exactly want him hurt or killed. He'd wanted to see Sirius break, but he hadn't thought Sirius would break this badly, or have such a hard time getting over it. He hadn't thought it would turn Sirius into such a cruel, hard, unfeeling stranger who didn't care what happened to the man he once had claimed to love.

But, Peter supposed, there was nothing he could do about it now.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Remus' head ached as he climbed the stairs to his flat. In fact, his whole body ached. His stomach was empty, his head felt like it was going to burst, and he had innumerable knots in the muscles of his shoulders and back. He was absolutely exhausted, but he knew he wouldn't be able to sleep tonight. The smallness and darkness of his flat was too much like the cell Lucius Malfoy had kept him in for him to be comfortable... not that his flat was wet and damp and freezing. He wasn't tied up, chained to the wall, aching, or bleeding, but in the darkness, all alone, it was terribly easy to forget that.

He pulled his keys out of his pocket and unlocked his door. He didn't have to bother with any enchantments; it was against the law for half-breeds such as himself to put any spells on their place of residence that could keep Ministry agents out.

He flicked on the light, closed the door behind him, and took a few steps towards the corner of the flat that represented the kitchen, and froze. The pause cost him dearly. If he hadn't hesitated, he might have been able to escape. But he did hesitate, and he'd barely moved before Fenrir had hold of his arms, pulling him closer. Remus brought his knee up as hard as he could and Fenrir doubled over in pain, releasing him.

Remus turned to run back out the door, but someone was blocking it. Remus recognized him. His name was David. He recognized the other two men as well; they were the ones who had always come with Fenrir to "visit him". The thought of another "visit" made Remus go cold and hot and nauseous and dizzy all at once.

A hand knotted in his hair and jerked his head back. "You fucking cunt," Fenrir snarled, and started dragging him backwards. Remus stumbled and fell back, the only thing that stopped his head from hitting the floor was the fact that Fenrir still had hold of his hair. Fenrir snorted in disgust, let go, and kicked him. He pulled his foot back to kick him again, but Remus caught it this time and pulled. Fenrir fell on his back, and cursed breathlessly again. Remus scrambled to get up, but David was there pushing him back down. Remus let his fist fly and felt David's nose crunch beneath it. David hit him back, the blood flowing freely down his face. He lost track of things for a moment, and when he came back, David was sitting on his chest, pinning Remus' elbows with his knees. Remus twisted around and tried to sit up, but David was too strong.

"If I didn't know any better, Lupin, I'd say you weren't happy to see us," Fenrir said, looming over him.

"Why the hell would I want to see you?" Remus snarled.

"Well, we had so much fun last time, it stands to reason," Fenrir's smile had far too many teeth in it, and it widened when Remus went pale. "Aw, did you not have very much fun?" Fenrir chuckled. "You will this time, I promise."

Remus bucked, trying to dislodge David, who grinned down at him and said "Aren't you the eager one."

"No," Remus gasped, and in his panic managed to free one of his arms. He lashed out again, this time catching David in the stomach. David groaned and rolled off him, but before he could get up, Fenrir kicked him again, this one aimed for his head, and Remus' vision went black.

A/N:

mwahahaha! cliffhanger!! :D


	20. Chapter 20

CHAPTER 20

"Where are you going?"

Severus looked at Lucius and wondered if he could get away with sneering '_None of your business_.' He decided he probably couldn't and sighed. "Home, Lucius, where else?"

"Why don't you stay?" Lucius said with a little smile. "I have a surprise for you."

"Oh?" Severus said, raising an eyebrow. No matter how much he just wanted to go home and go to bed, Lucius' statement made all of his mental alarms go off, and he couldn't just walk away from that. "What is it?"

"It's not here yet," Lucius said smoothly, his smile growing too bright and sharp for Severus' comfort. "I just spoke to Fenrir Greyback. He's bringing it over now. If you're willing to wait a few minutes, I'm sure it'll be worth it."

Severus' hands went numb. Lucius and Fenrir absolutely despised one another. Lucius had only allowed Fenrir on his property when Lord Voldemort ordered Lucius to share his "toy". It wasn't until much later that Severus realized that they "toy" was Remus Lupin. Their infatuation with Lupin (or Lupin's pain) was the only thing the two men had in common. Fenrir coming to Malfoy Manor could only mean one thing: they'd finally recaptured Lupin. Severus cleared his throat before saying, "I don't think so, Lucius."

"It's just not your thing, is it?" Lucius said with a thoughtful look on his face.

"No," Severus said simply. "It's not."

"All right," Lucius sighed,

Severus worked hard to hide his surprise. For some reason he'd expected Malfoy to bully him a bit for being soft or pathetic or squeamish or something, but he just shrugged it off... maybe he just wanted Lupin to himself. "Thank you for dinner," Severus said, and hesitated before adding, "And have fun." He was one of the bad guys, after all. He'd better act like one.

"You're welcome," Lucius smiled his sharp, sadistic smile and added, "And I will." With that, Severus turned and left.

It wasn't until he was off the property that the trembling started. He really had no idea why he was trembling, but he couldn't help it. There was a strange sense of urgency, as well, as though he had to do something and he had to do it _right now_, and no amount of will power could make him ignore it. But there really was nothing to do. Was he willing to risk his own life for Lupin's? Even if he was willing, was it worth it, to Severus or anyone else on Earth? He knew Lupin was no longer part of Potter's little cult; all the Death Eaters had been told, because it made it that much easier to find him. They'd also been told (by their 'anonymous' spy) that he was no longer attending Order meetings, so obviously no one in the Order cared. Severus didn't even like the man. Back at school he'd absolutely despised him, especially after Lupin had nearly killed him, but it was incredibly hard to hate someone you'd saved from torture and death, hard to hate them when you've seen them terrified and broken and begging...

Then, through the darkness, he saw three people walking toward him, side by side. The one in the middle stumbled suddenly and fell to his knees. The man on the right grabbed his arm and snarled, "Get up, Lupin. As much as I like seeing you on your knees, Malfoy is waiting."

Severus was crouched behind the bushes beside the road without any memory of getting there. He drew his wand, holding his breath as they approached. Once again, he had absolutely no fucking clue what he was doing, but he was doing it.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Remus was barely able to keep his panic under control. They were taking him to Lucius, they'd said so. And Lucius would hurt him. He'd torture and rape him and share him with the other Death Eaters. He'd reduce Remus to a quivering mass of soft flesh that cried and begged every time the cell door opened... Maybe this time he'd break. Maybe this time he'd just tell them whatever they wanted to know and then they would kill him and he wouldn't have to deal with anything anymore. He wouldn't have to _think_, not about Sirius, or Death Eaters, or how Fenrir and his goons had hurt him so badly earlier that night that it was a struggle just to walk. It seemed like a good idea. Maybe this time, without the thought of Sirius at home, lonely and worried, Remus would actually be able to do it-

Suddenly the hand gripping his arm like a vice was gone, and there were two muffled _thumps_ on either side of him. He stopped walking. He was blindfolded, and with his arms tied behind his back, he had no way of taking it off, no way of finding his way anywhere without someone to lead him... what was going on? Another hand closed on his arm and he jumped, trying to wrench away, but the hand pulled him closer.

"Don't even think about it," said a voice in his ear, and Remus went still.

"Wh- Who are you?" Remus stuttered, and even through his panic, he was appalled by how pathetic he sounded. When the man didn't answer, he tried again. "What's going on?" The man's grip on Remus' arm was firm and tight, but not painfully so, and while that comforted Remus a bit, he still had no idea what was going to happen to him.

"Where do you want to go?"

"What?" Remus asked, bewildered.

"I have to get you away from here before Lucius comes looking for you. Where do you want to go?"

Instantly the image of the flat he'd shared with Sirius popped into his mind, and without thinking he said, "Home."

"Home?" the man said skeptically. "Won't they find you there?"

It took Remus a moment to realize that the man must be referring to the little flat he'd been living in for the last month, that was where they found him, but that wasn't _home_ at all-

The man snorted. "Fine," he said. "I'll just take you to the Potter's-"

"No!" Remus said, shaking his head frantically. "No, you can't take me there!"

"Why not?"

"Because Sirius said..." he faltered for a moment. "He said he'd kill me if I ever-"

The man swore violently under his breath. "Then where am I supposed to take you?"

"Home, please," Remus said, this time forcing himself to think of his own tiny flat this time, rather than Sirius'. "I'll... I'll just get my things and then leave and you won't have to worry, just... please,"

"All right," the man sighed. "Where do you live?"

Remus told him the address without hesitation and the man snorted. "What?" Remus asked. "Do you know where it is?"

"I know," he sighed. "Hang on."

The hand on his arm tightened, and suddenly he felt like he was being pressed to death, he couldn't breathe- and then it stopped... It took him a moment to realize they'd Disapparated. He really _hated_ being blindfolded; he couldn't tell what was going on, couldn't see who was with him, or where they were going-

"Oh," the man said. "Sorry, I didn't think-" And then the ropes binding Remus' hands behind his back were gone. He reached up to take off the blindfold. "No," the man hissed, catching his arm.

"What?" Remus asked, the fear beginning to well up inside him again. "Why not?"

"It's best for both of us if you don't know who I am," he replied simply.

"Are... are you a Death Eater?"

The man hesitated before saying, "Yes."

"Then why are you-"

"It doesn't matter, Lupin, all right?" he said sharply. "I think we're right outside your building. _Wait until I leave to take off the blindfold._ Then get your things and leave. You have a few hours at most, so hurry, ok? I don't think I could get away with saving you a third time." He let go and moved away.

Remus scrambled to say, "Thank you." He felt the man pause, and Remus thought he would say something else, but then there was a loud _crack_ and Remus knew he was alone. Instantly he ripped the blindfold off and looked around. He was indeed in front of his apartment building, but he was alone.

He turned and ran into the building and up the stairs, trying to ignore how much it hurt to walk and why, trying to ignore the disgusting, slippery feeling between his legs that Fenrir and his goons had left. He was lucky that Fenrir hadn't bothered to close his door because he didn't have his keys. He opened his door and was surprised to see that the place hadn't been been completely trashed; it actually looked quite normal, save the little bit of blood on the floor. He wondered vaguely if the blood was his or Davids as he ran to the bed and pulled the duffel bag out from beneath it. As he shoved clothes and blankets into the bag, he wracked his brain, desperately trying to think of somewhere he could go. The Potter's and Peter were completely out of the question, and so was Sirius, no matter how much he wanted to go to him. He could just imagine asking Sirius for help, and having the door slammed in his face. Remus sat on the bed for a moment, realizing that he really had no where to go... No one would help him, the only four people in the whole world who cared about him hadn't spoken to him in two and a half months, and would probably curse him if he showed up on their doorstep.

Maybe it would have been better if Fenrir had just killed him.

Mentally, he slapped himself. Fenrir _hadn't_ killed him, and he wasn't about to kill himself, not right then, anyway, so there was no use in thinking like that.

And then it dawned on him: the Shrieking Shack. He'd gone there the last two full moons to transform, and no one who wanted to find him would think to look for him there.

He Disapparated as soon as he was packed. Once in the shack, he went to the bed without even looking around. He knew it was all exactly how he left it: gouges and marks on the furniture and floor, dust everywhere. He didn't feel like making the bed, so he just pulled a blanket and pillow out of his bang and laid down. He was absolutely exhausted, and more than almost anything right then, he wanted a shower. He felt filthy, he wanted every trace of Fenrir and David and the others off of him, but he was kidding himself if he thought the plumbing here worked. His eyes grew heavy as he thought that at least he wouldn't have to go to work tomorrow; he'd been fired earlier that day. Distantly he realized what an incredibly shitty day it had been... He'd been fired and beaten and raped and kidnapped all within twelve hours-

He closed his eyes against the tears that threatened to roll down his cheeks. _No. You will not think about that,_ he told himself forcefully._ You won't. _But he couldn't help it, it was there, _they_ were there, with their hands and their mouths and their cocks and they were hurting him-

Remus opened his eyes and looked around frantically. He was alone, and he couldn't decide if that was a good or bad thing. Fenrir wasn't there, but neither was Sirius. That's when the anger came. He remembered very clearly the night he'd run from James' house, how Sirius had run after him, and told him, _promised_ him, that no one would ever hurt him again. What an incredible lie that was... Remus had believed him, but he'd been lying. Sirius hadn't protected him like he promised, hadn't _loved_ him...

But Remus loved him, still loved him, and when he rolled over onto his side so he could watch the door, he hugged his pillow to his chest and pretended it was Sirius.

A/N:

For all of you who've written reviews, thank you so much! You're amazing. :D was it corny? i kind of think so, but i really couldn't help it... sorry if it was. anyway, review! please? pretty pretty please?


	21. Chapter 21

CHAPTER 21

Lucius was positively livid. Severus had known he would be, and was prepared for it. The anger rolling off the blond man like waves simply washed over his apathetic facade. Even though he didn't really know why, he cared about this situation. How Lucius handled it was very interesting to him, indeed. But he couldn't act like it. He had to be just as nonchalant and apathetic as he always had been where Lucius' "toy" was concerned, or it would raise suspicion. As it was now, however, Severus was completely forgotten. He'd delivered his lie seamlessly. He'd left Malfoy Manor, stumbled across Fenrir and his companion lying unconscious on the ground, woken them up, and taken them to the manor, where Lucius had been anxiously awaiting the return of Remus Lupin. He'd conveniently forgotten to mention that somewhere between leaving the manor and waking the werewolves he'd taken Remus Lupin home. It had only taken about five minutes to stun Lupin's captors, apparate them to his apartment building, and then go back to wake Fenrir, and in the grand scheme of things, five little unaccounted for minutes were easily forgotten.

But Severus wasn't in the clear yet, and neither was Lupin. Lucius and Fenrir had already gone back to Remus' apartment to see if maybe he was there, and they'd drug Severus along. His heart had been somewhere behind his adam's apple as they walked up the stairs to Lupin's flat. He'd told him he had an hour, two at most, but here they were barely 20 minutes later. He hoped to hell and back that Lupin had already left. Fenrir had his hand on the doorknob, and Severus was thinking _Please, please, please, Lupin, be gone. Don't be here. Please be gone-_

But there was a loud _crack_ from inside the apartment before Fenrir had a chance to turn the knob. They'd all rushed in, but, Severus realized with relief, Lupin had already disapparated.

Fenrir was just as angry as Lucius that Lupin had escaped, but he had no one to blame. Lucius was convinced that it was Greyback's fault, and, Severus supposed, it was. If Fenrir had been a little more careful, Severus would not have been able to ambush them so easily, (not that he was complaining). And in his anger, Lucius was now asking the Dark Lord to punish Fenrir, or help him find Lupin, or _something_. More than anything, Voldemort was amused. Severus could see it in the way his eyes were shinning. He thought it very funny that Lupin had escaped Lucius _again._ The fact was, that the only reason he hadn't sent people to look for the werewolf was because Lupin really didn't matter that much. Voldemort said as much.

"But, my lord, he _does,_" Lucius pleaded.

"How so?" Voldemort asked raising an eyebrow.

"If he tells _anyone_ in the Order what happened, they'll know they made a mistake. They'll know he's not the spy, and they'll take him back, and when they do, the real spy will be in danger of being found out once again."

Severus barely held back a snort. Lucius didn't care about the spy; he just wanted to get his rocks off on someone he could smack around. Narcissa, while obedient and faithful, would not tolerate Lucius' darker... urges, and it was driving him crazy-

"This is true..." Voldemort said softly, and Severus felt a wave of fear wash over him.

"My lord," he said. "The only person in the Order who could possibly find out what happened is Dumbledore, and even that's a stretch. Trust me when I say that Lupin won't tell anyone. He's not stupid. His so called friends abandoned him. He's not about to go crawling back to them like a dog, because he knows he'll just get kicked."

"You're defending him?" Lucius sneered.

"No," Severus said sharply, trying not to think of how convoluted and ridiculous his expressed reasoning was. It didn't make any sense at all, he knew, but he was desperate, he had to try something. "But they _will _notice if he completely disappears or turns up dead in the river. Think about what will happen to our spy if that happens. The Order will think they were wrong. That he was found because they abandoned him, and while that is technically true, it wouldn't be very good at all for our spy's health."

Voldemort was looking at him thoughtfully. "So what would you suggest, Snape?"

"Leave him be," he shrugged. "Like I said, he won't tell anyone. He has no one to tell." He held his breath as Voldemort thought.

"I agree," the Dark Lord said.

"My lord-" Lucius began indignantly.

"Lucius," he said sharply. His eyes glinting with a kind of sadistic pleasure. "You heard me. Stay away from Remus Lupin, at least until _after_ I've taken care of the Potters. After that, I really won't need our spy any longer. At least not that one, useless lump that he is. _After_ the Potter's are dead, you can do whatever you wish with Lupin." He looked at Greyback to show that his words were meant for him as well, and then dismissed them with a wave of his hand.

Severus left, almost dizzy with relief, and ignored the glares Fenrir and Lucius were sending his way.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

James decided that two weeks was enough time to convince Dumbledore that he really had considered his offer. He hadn't, of course, he'd always wanted to use Sirius, but he figured he'd pretend just to make Dumbledore feel better.

So here James was at Hogwarts sitting in Dumbledore's office waiting, just like he had on so many occasions during his school years. The office was the same as it had always been. Cluttered with various shiny knick-knacks, but clean, and Faux was asleep on his perch. There were chairs in front if Dumbledore's desk, of course, but James was restless, anxious to tell Dumbledore of his decision and go home. He meandered around the office, looking at Dumbledore's things, and twisting the cloak in his hands. He'd been waiting for 45 minutes now. James understood that Dumbledore was busy, but this was getting ridiculous. It was getting dark, he should have been home over an hour ago, and L would skin him alive when he got home for worrying her, despite the fact that it clearly wasn't his fault. The thought occurred that if Dumbledore really was this busy, he should just go home and come back later, but he was already here, and he wanted the charm performed as soon as possible.

It was with extreme boredom that James made yet another lap in Dumbledore's study. He glanced at his watch. 7:00? Had it really already been an hour? He sighed and leaned against a cabinet that stood slightly open. He hadn't had the guts to see what was inside earlier, but from this angle, he could see the glowing, watery light coming from inside it, and he couldn't help himself. He glanced nervously at the door. It would be just his luck that if after an hour of being absolutely harmless, he got caught looking into this cabinet… but he didn't hear any foot steps, so he opened it.

Inside were shelves holding dozens of little labeled bottles; some empty, some not. That was kind of interesting, he supposed, if you read the labels and _found_ something interesting, but they weren't glowing, so what had-? He glanced down and saw a Pensive. Instantly his face lit up with the child-in-a-candy-shop look that had always worried his closest friends because whenever he had that look, he did some incredibly stupid things. With a lot of help, he'd managed to work on his self control, but it was with an enormous amount of effort that he refrained from sticking his face into the swirling smoke just to see what there was to see. Instead he stood up, and took a closer look at the labeled bottles which he assumed contained memories. All of the ones on the top shelf meant absolutely nothing to him. He moved onto the second and was wondering just how old Dumbledore was- you had to be ancient to have this many memories- when he saw a bottle labeled: _Remus Lupin_.

He stopped and stared, his fingers itching to pick up the bottle, pour it into the pensieve, and see what it was... What could it possibly be? Information Remus had brought back from the Underworld? Evidence that he was the spy? Or, James thought, doubt and confusion welling up inside him, evidence that he _wasn't_ the spy? Gingerly he picked up the little glass bottle, debating...

But he didn't debate for very long. He'd realized a long time ago that if you were afraid to do something, it was always best to just get up and do it. If you thought about to for too long you always come up with a million different reasons to not do it, even if you knew you should. And he was afraid to see the memory in this bottle. Afraid that he might find out that Remus really was the spy, but even more afraid to find out that he wasn't. If he wasn't, if they'd abandoned him for absolutely no reason...

James pulled out the cork and dumped the silvery, smokey substance into the pensieve. Then, after taking a deep breath to steady himself, he went head first into the memory.

He found himself in a small, dimly lit room that smelt of dirt and mildew. He looked around the room, searching for whose ever memory this was, but no one was there. Suddenly a door to hid right burst open and a man, naked with his hands bound behind his back, is shoved into the room. He trips and nearly falls on his face, but he saves himself, an effort of raw strength that is painful to witness. Instead he falls to his knees, and James sees the motley collection of bruises and cuts covering his back and chest, and he knows from the shallow, sharp way the man is breathing that he must have several broken ribs. He raises his head to look around just as another man enters the room and closes the door behind him, and James recognized them both. The tall, blonde man now circling the the shivering figure on the floor was Lucius Malfoy. The beaten man kneeling on the floor was Remus.

Malfoy was looking at Remus like he was a piece of particularly tasty meat, and it made James nauseous. Malfoy placed a hand on Remus' bowed head, a cruel parody of kindness, before he grabbed a handful of his hair and jerked his head back hard enough to make Remus cry out. James leapt forward to stop him, but he remembered that this was a memory; it had already happened, and he couldn't change it no matter how badly he wished he could.

Lucius laughed. "Now, now, little wolf, if I didn't know any better, I'd think you weren't enjoying our... game," Remus jumped as featherlight fingers began to slide their way down from his throat, to his chest, and further... Once again James had to bite back the bile rising in his throat. But then Malfoy knelt behind Remus, unbuckling his belt. James stared, horrified and more than a little confused... What was he doing? That question was answered when Lucius forced Remus' knees apart with his own and pressed up against him-

James turned around pressing the heals of his hands to his eyes. He didn't want to be here, he didn't want to see this, did _not_ want to-

Behind him Remus cried out in pain, and James' hands went from his eyes to his ears, not wanting to think about _why_ his friend had cried out. _I want out_, he thought desperately. _I don't want to be here. I want out-_ And suddenly his feet left the ground, and he was rising up out of the pensieve.

He stumbled backwards into Dumbledore's office, still breathing hard-

"Hello, Mr. Potter,"

James whirled around and saw Dumbledore standing in the doorway, a look of surprise and exasperation on his face. James didn't care that Dumbledore might be angry with him, he cared about what he'd just witnessed, and he had a very hard time articulating that fact. "That..." he choked out, pointing to the pensieve. "And Remus was there, and they... What... Dumbledore, what...?" He paused for a moment, lost for words, before he finally settled on "What the _fuck_?"

The look on the old man's face softened, having caught enough of James babbling to understand what was going on. "Sit down, please, James," he sighed. Still a bit dazed, James went to the chair Dumbledore had indicated and sat down. "I should have known better," Dumbledore said, sitting down in his own chair, "than to leave you alone in my office for so long." He scrutinized James before continuing. "I take it you saw the message."

"Message?" James asked, completely baffled. "What message?"

"Did you watch the memory contained in the one and only bottle labeled _Remus Lupin_?"

"Yes, but I-"

"That," Dumbledore interrupted, "was the message the Death Eaters sent me last November when Remus first went missing."

"That was a _message_?"

"An unconventional one, but yes, it was," Dumbledore said simply.

"So they... Lucius Malfoy, he really... did that? To Remus?" James cringed at his own cowardice; he couldn't even say it, when it had actually _happened_ to Remus...

"Yes," Dumbledore said sadly. "I take it you didn't watch the whole thing?"

"No," James said quickly. "I couldn't... I..." he trailed off, shaking his head.

"Why not?" Dumbledore asked.

"Why not?" James asked, again very confused. "Remus... is my friend, and no matter how cowardly it makes me look, I don't want to see him being hurt."

"It doesn't make you a coward, James," Dumbledore said softly. "Merely hypocritical."

"What? James asked.

"You say you don't want to see him hurt, but he _was_ hurt. You saw what they did to him, what he endured, and I'll tell you right now that he endured it for you, not for the Order, or some higher cause. For you, and Lily, and Harry, and Peter," he paused, looking at James sadly, before adding, "And for Sirius."

"And we abandoned him..." James sighed holding his head in his hands. They were both silent for a moment, before James said, a pleading note in his voice, "But we didn't know. He said he didn't remember, so how could we have known that they..."

"Was it not enough that he was broken?" Dumbledore asked. "The fact that he is broken is undeniable, James." When James said nothing he continued, "How much does he have to give you for you to be satisfied?"

"What?" James asked indignantly, bringing his head up so he could glare at Dumbledore. "It was never... We weren't using him, or... He was our friend!"

"Then why did you leave him?"

"We..." James faltered. "Because we thought he was the spy." _How stupid are we?_ James thought angrily. How the hell could Remus, _Moony,_ have ever been the spy?

"And what do you think now?"

"That we were wrong," James said, his voice tight.

"All right," Dumbledore sighed and nodded.

"Do you know where he is?"

"Yes,"

"Can... can you tell me?" James asked. "I'd like to talk to him..."

Dumbledore smiled a bit at that, and said, "Yes, I can do that." He pulled a piece of parchment to him, wrote the address down, and handed it to James, who took it with a trembling hand. "But before you go," he said as James stood to leave. "What is it you wanted to speak to me about?"

"Oh," James said, suddenly remembering. "I came to tell you that Lily and I considered your offer to be our secret keeper, but we'd still like to use Sirius."

"Really?" Dumbledore said, raising his eyebrows.

"Yes," James said confidently.

"James, I really would be more comfortable if-"

"Dumbledore, please," James said. "I made the mistake of not trusting one of my friends once, I don't want to do it again."

Dumbledore stared at him for a good long minute before sighing. "I can respect that," he said.

"Thank you," James said, and left.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Remus had once heard the saying: _Absolute power corrupts absolutely._ He had thought long and hard about that statement, trying to decide it if was true or not, but he never could make up his mind. So lately, he'd been considering it's opposite: If absolute power corrupts absolutely, does absolute powerlessness make you pure?

He didn't think so. He'd been completely powerless for almost a year now, but he didn't feel pure. He felt dirty, and used, and... well... _powerless._ He wasn't in control at all. He couldn't keep a job, no matter how hard he tried. He couldn't keep Fenrir or Lucius or anyone at all from finding him, and if, _when_ they found him, they'd do whatever they wanted to him, and he wouldn't be able to stop them no matter how hard he fought.

He didn't understand. Before... he'd been caught, he'd always been in perfect control. The wolf had always been firmly locked away in a tiny cage somewhere in the back of his mind. He'd been pleasant, and happy, and calm, and brave... But now he had absolutely no control over his life at all-

He stopped at that, and thought harder. He _was_ in control of something...

He was at his front door without even remembering getting out of bed. He paused, his hand on the doorknob, as contemplated grabbing his jacket. He decided against it. He wouldn't really need it. Once in the hallway he turned right towards the stairs, but instead of going down like he always did, he went up to the roof. When he stepped out of the door into the night goosebumps rose on his arms and for a moment he wished he had brought his coat, but then he caught sight of the edge, and the cold went away. Suddenly he was at the edge, wondering if ten stories were enough to kill him... he thought it would be. A strange feeling washed over him, and it was a moment before he recognized it for what it was... He felt _powerful_. He didn't even know if he really wanted to jump or not, but this...

He could control this.

A/N:

_another_ cliffhanger! hehehe! i love writing them. :D oh, and, i figured i should say that i'm sorry for any mistakes and typos. I'm absolutely horrible at proof-reading my own stuff.


	22. Chapter 22

Chapter 22

From under his invisibility cloak, James stared at the derelict building with a mixture of disgust and pity. Remus was living here? He was amazed the building hadn't been condemned or hadn't yet fallen down, and frankly the whole area stank like piss. But then again, James thought with an enormous twinge of guilt, it was most likely all Remus could afford. According to Sirius, Remus had claimed nothing but his clothes and books while moving out. He was lucky to be able to afford even this rank hell-hole.

James was lucky Remus' apartment building wasn't on a busy street. If it had been several people would have run into him by now, invisible as he was. It was dark out, so he probably didn't need the cloak, but it made him feel better. He ran forward and pulled the door open. He didn't stop to consider the fact that Muggles would think a door opening by itself odd, and if he had he wouldn't have cared. He was on a mission.

But on his way up the stairwell he started to wonder how he was going to accomplish said mission. Fuck, what the hell was he even going to say to Remus? _I'm sorry for making the love of your life desert you? I'm sorry for thinking you would sell out your best friends? I'm sorry for betraying you?_ No, James thought. This was definitely his worst plan ever, (along of how there really wasn't a plan to begin with.)

When he got to the third floor, he turned and walked down the hallway, taking in the peeling paint, holes in the walls, and the graffiti. He wondered what kind of people lived here aside from a certain benevolent werewolf.

James stopped outside room 902 and took a deep breath. This encounter was not going to be pleasant. Remus would probably hex him on the spot, and James wouldn't hold it against him of he did. He stood there with his hand outstretched, taking deep breaths. He was trying to work up the courage to knock when he looked closer, and saw that it was open. It felt like a bucket of ice water had just been poured down his back. Why would Moony's door be open? Instantly his mind provided him with several, horrible options and he pushed the door open so hard that it banged into the wall and bounced back. James entered the apartment, his heart pounding...

But nothing was there.

All the lights were on, Remus' coat was hanging on the hook, and his shoes were next to the door, but Remus wasn't there. So where was he? Distantly, James heard voices. It took him a moment to realize that they were the voices of Remus' neighbors. He could ask them where he'd gone, maybe they'd know. He paused for a moment, wondering what kind of neighbors Remus had, and whether it would be better to just wait for him, rather than ask, and then he heard the footsteps above him. That wasn't right, James thought. Remus lived on the top floor so who ever was up there had to up on the roof-

A new image came to mind, similar to the previous ones only in the fact that Remus ended up dead... Maybe he was just being paranoid, just jumping to conclusions... but after what he'd just seen, he wasn't about to take chances where Remus was concerned. He had to check. He hoped he was wrong; as he ran out of the apartment, down the hall and up the last flight of stairs, he prayed to God to let him be wrong, but when he opened the door and stepped out onto the roof he saw that he wasn't. Someone was standing on the edge, looking down at the pavement ten stories below.

"Remus?" he asked hesitantly, walking forward. "Remus, please don't."

The figure jumped a bit, startled, and turned its head. "James?"

"Yeah," James replied, stopping his approach when Remus balked. His heart didn't know whether to break or soar at the hopeful note in his friend's voice. "Yeah, Moony, it's me. Could you... Could you come here, please?"

"No," Remus said, his voice trembling slightly.

James paused. "Why not?" Remus didn't answer. Instead he turned back around, and faced the edge. "Remus, please. I don't..." James scrambled frantically for the words. "I don't want you to get hurt-" he took a slow, careful step forward

"You don't care," Remus said desolately. "You just don't want to step in me on your way out."

"No!" James said sharply, saw Remus flinch, and took another step. "Remus, I... I do care-"

"And that's why you haven't spoken to me in three months?"

James paused again. It hurt to have that thrown in his face, but it was true; it had been a very long time since he'd last spoken to Remus, and even longer since he'd thought kind thoughts about him. "That's why I came over. I came to talk to you." Another step.

"About what?"

"Can we... Can we go inside to talk? I'm cold." It was a desperate, transparent effort designed to get Remus away from the edge-

"You can leave whenever you want."

And he saw right through it. James stepped forward again. If he could just get close enough, he'd grab Remus, he'd drag him away from the edge by his hair if he had to. "Moony, I'm not leaving you alone,"

"Why not?" He spat, angry now. "You've done it before."

James winced at that. It, too, was true. "That's what I want to talk about. I'm sorry, Remus, I am so sorry. I just... I was scared. I'm _still_ scared."

"Scared of me?" The anger was gone, and the desolate, hopeless, heartbroken sadness was back.

"No." James said firmly, taking another step. "Not anymore. I'm scared _for _you." _Absolutely fucking terrified,_ he thought as he took another step. "For you, and Lily, and Harry, and Sirius, and Peter..."

Remus paused, and then faintly said, "I'm scared, too." He leaned forward.

"Remus, stop!" James lunged forward, his adrenaline spiking. But Remus stopped, and turned to look at him. "It'll be okay, Moony. It'll be all right."

"How is it going to be all right, James?" he asked angrily, desperately, and James saw the tears he wouldn't let fall sparkle in the moonlight. "They're going to find me again. They're going to find me, and hurt me, and this time I won't be able to get away, and no one will save me either because no one cares. No one in the whole fucking world gives a shit about me-"

"_I_ care," James said, a pleading note to his voice now. He moved closer again. "And so does Sirius-"

At Sirius' name, the tears fell, and a sob wracked his body. "Sirius doesn't care."

"Yes, he does." James said sadly, taking another step. "He misses you; everyone can see it. He wants you back, he's just... confused-"

"He doesn't want me," Remus said miserably, gritting his teeth against the tears that slid down his face and against the hole Sirius undoubtedly left in his heart. "He just wants to fuck me, he said as much himself."

James stopped dead at that. Sirius had called himself a bastard for the things he'd said to Remus. Now James was beginning to agree with him. He took another step forward. "He did?"

"Yes. But I don't want him to fuck me, I don't want _anyone_ to fuck me, and that's why he-" James was close enough to grab him now, and he did. He wrapped his arms around Remus' waist and pulled him back, away from the edge. Remus stumbled a bit, but James' grip was strong enough that he didn't fall. "No!" Remus cried. "No, James, let me go!"

"C'mon, Moony, let's just get you in bed, okay? It'll be all right," James said soothingly, trying to reach the door, but Remus was fighting him.

"No, James. Let me do it, please! Please, just let me-"

Remus was begging him. He was literally begging James to let him die, to let him _kill himself_, and that made James feel absolutely fucking terrible in so many ways, he could barely stand it. "Shhh," James said when they were through the door. "It'll be all right, Moony. It'll be okay. Let's just go to your flat-"

Remus was quiet in the stairwell and the hallway, but he kept fighting weakly. James didn't let go of him until they were in his flat. He took him over to the bed and laid him down. Remus was still crying, but silently, and when James let go on him he pressed the heels of his hands against his eyes. James sat on the edge of the bed, watching him. They stayed that way for several minutes before Remus moved his hands back to his sides, and took a deep, shuddering breath. "You can leave now, James," he said flatly.

James glared at him. "Are you going to try to kill yourself again?"

"... Maybe."

"Then I'm not leaving," James said, and his expression changed form angry to questioning. "Why, Remus?" he pleaded, ignoring the ache in his stomach that always occurred when he was very upset. "Why do you want to die?"

"I told you," Remus said, his voice trembling, eyes filling up with tears again. He turned to face the ceiling and squeezed his eyes shut. "They're going to find me again, and I won't be able to get away this time. Even if I did somehow manage to escape, it wouldn't matter because I have absolutely nowhere to go, and no one cares-"

"Stop that, all right?" James said rather sharply. "I may not have been acting like it lately, and I'm sorry for that, but I _do_ care."

"Sirius doesn't," Remus whispered.

"Yeah, well, I'm going to have a chat with Sirius," James scowled. "But I'm confused, Remus, who's going to find you? Death Eaters?" Remus nodded. James hesitated because he really didn't want to know the answer to his next question, but he needed to, "And you... you said they're going to find you _again_?"

Remus hesitated, and nodded again. He took a deep breath and said, "They found me- Fenrir Greyback and some other wolves- about two weeks ago, and they-" he pressed his hands to his eyes again, like he was trying to stop the tears, "They hurt me," he said. James was grateful he was so vague. After the "message" he'd seen, he was more than capable of filling in the blanks himself. "And they were taking me to Lucius-"

"Lucius Malfoy?" James asked, his eyebrows raising in surprise.

"Yeah," Remus nodded, putting his hands down again. "But before we got there, he- the man who saved me last time- he saved me again, and took me home. He told me that I had to be careful because he didn't think he could get away with saving me a third time, and then he left. So I packed my things and I didn't have anywhere else to go, so I went to the Shack for a few days. Then a week ago, I found this," he waved vaguely, indicating his apartment. "And then about forty-five minutes ago I decided I wanted to commit suicide." While this statement was angry and bitter, it was also closer to the old Remus than anything he'd said in over a year, and James was grateful, until he added, "And I can't even do that right."

"Moony, look at me," James said firmly. Remus took a deep breath and turned his head. "I'm going to talk to Sirius, all right? And I'm going to talk to Lily and Peter, and I'm going to make this better. Understand?"

Remus nodded.

"Do you believe me?"

He hesitated and bit his bottom lip.

"No, you know what? You don't have to believe me, I'm going to do it anyway. I'm going to fix this, Remus."

"Sirius doesn't want-"

"Oh, fuck Sirius!" James said angrily.

"I'd really rather not," Remus said, his face going red. "That's kind of the point-"

"Don't worry about Sirius," James said. "I'll handle him. He's just confused, Moony, that's all. I'll unconfuse him." Remus almost smiled at that, and James could have sworn that he was about half a second away from correcting him. "All you have to do," James continued, "Is stay safe, and not hurt yourself. Okay?"

Remus' nod was almost reluctant, but he nodded, and James knew he was telling the truth. He didn't have to worry about Remus trying to commit suicide again. At least not for a while.

He breathed a sigh of relief and said, "Thank you, Moony. Now, I was supposed to be home almost three hours ago, and Lily's probably throwing a fit-" he stood, but Remus' hand whipped out and caught his sleeve.

"Could you..." he swallowed nervously. "Could you stay, please? Just until I fall asleep? I don't... I don't want to be alone..."

"Yeah," James said, sitting back down immediately. "I'll stay." Lily would skin him alive when he finally got home, but he wouldn't leave Remus alone, not again.

"Thank you," Remus sighed, closing his eyes.

A/N: YAY!! he didn't jump! did you seriously think i'd let him fall? :P lol so... *sigh* ... i don't know. is it getting corny? i kind of think it is, and that sucks, even though i'm trying really really hard to keep it from happening... should i continue it or just let it die? i don't know. i'm not feeling very good about it at the moment.


	23. Chapter 23

CHAPTER 23

During the last few months, Sirius had started sleeping on his side, hugging a pillow to his chest. But tonight it wasn't sleeping so much as lying there dozing, _wishing_ he was sleeping. The really frustrating part was that he didn't know _why_ he couldn't sleep. He was tired, he was full, he was warm and comfortable... So why? Why did he have to make a conscious effort every day to just sit down and stay still? Why was he twitchy and antsy restless? And why did he feel like there were a couple small, carnivorous reptiles in his stomach eating away at his innards? He wasn't sure.

He could give the reptiles names at least. One was Worry and the other was Guilt, and they were fighting each other viciously for more territory. He was worried because he didn't know why Fenrir Greyback had wanted to find Remus, and he didn't know if Remus was all right or not. And, of course, he felt guilty because he had squealed. The night the werewolves had jumped him and Peter, Sirius had seriously considered dropping by the address Dumbledore had given him, just to make sure Remus wasn't being hurt or kidnapped. He'd even got as far as the door with his jacket and shoes on, but he'd stopped himself. Walking in on a Werewolf/Death Eater meeting was a sure way to get himself killed. Now he was wishing he had gone, because at least Worry and Guilt would have gone away and he'd be able to fucking _sleep-_

"Sirius!"

The adrenaline rushed through his veins as he flung his pillow at the door and scrambled around, searching for his wand on the beside table-

"You pouf, it's me!"

"James?" he said dazedly, squinting at the door.

"Yep," James flicked on the light.

"Oh," Sirius grunted, and fell back on the bed, covering his eyes from the light with his arm. He mumbled, "What can I do you for?"

"You can start with explaining to me exactly when you became a complete and total bastard," James spat.

Sirius hesitated, not noticing the words so much as their tone. Something was wrong. He removed his arm from his eyes and looked at James for the first time. He was pale, and there were dark circles under his eyes, but they weren't bruises. He wasn't hurt, Sirius realized with a wave of relief, but he was very upset about something. "Prongs, what the fuck are you talking about?"

"I just went to go see Remus," James stated, his voice shaking. Anger, Sirius realized. "But he wasn't in his apartment. Do you know where he was, Sirius?"

"No," he replied quietly, not sure he wanted to hear.

"He was on the roof," James said, his whole body shaking now, "about to turn himself into chile con carne on the sidewalk."

James might as well have slapped him in the face. "_What?_" he cried leaping out of bed.

"He was about to commit suicide," James said through gritted teeth.

"And you..." Sirius stuttered, breathless. "You stopped him, right?"

"Yes, I stopped him," James said impatiently. "I had to drag him away from the edge kicking and screaming, but I stopped him."

"Fuck," he said weakly, sinking back down onto the bed. He hunched over and grabbed two fistfuls of hair.

"I don't suppose you want to know _why _your ex-lover was trying to kill himself?" James spat. When Sirius didn't answer he continued anyway. "He said, and I quote, _'They're going to find me again. They're going to find me, and hurt me, and this time I won't be able to get away, and no one will save me either because no one cares. No one in the whole fucking world gives a shit about me'._"

For an insane moment, Sirius wanted to ask James how he could remember that when he couldn't remember his own anniversary, but then he decided that if Remus had said that to him, he probably would have remembered it verbatim too.

"Don't you get it, Sirius?" James said, still angry, but no longer angry with Sirius. "He's not the spy." James sighed and gestured angrily, searching for words. "I don't even know why we thought he was." He sat next to Sirius on the bed.

"Who..." Sirius said, then faltered. Words were failing them both right then. "Who's 'they'?" He didn't comment on the fact James had just stated. He'd known Remus wasn't the spy. He'd just been confused and scared-

"Fenrir Greyback, Lucius Malfoy," James shrugged. "The ones who hurt him last time, you know, when he was missing. But," he took a deep breath. "Apparently, Greyback and some other wolves found him about two weeks ago."

Suddenly the little lizard named Guilt wasn't so little anymore. Sirius' mouth was dry when he asked, very softly, "What happened?" James made eye contact with him for the first time. He looked so sad-

"They raped him," he said. "And that wasn't the first time they'd done it, either."

Guilt took a chunk out of Sirius' heart. He'd never known that hearing three little words could ever physically hurt someone, but it did hurt. It hurt so bad he had to fight to keep himself from doubling over. "What?"

"They did it when... when they had him, too. While he was missing."

"How do you know?" Sirius had to work to get the words out now, to keep the cry building in his chest from tearing out his throat. He didn't worry about Guilt, though. That little lizard deserved every piece of him it could get at.

"I went to see Dumbledore," James sighed. "And I saw the message." Sirius looked at him blankly. "The message the Death Eaters sent when they first caught him."

"The one Dumbledore wouldn't let me see," Sirius said, comprehension dawning. "What was it?"

"A memory," James said. "I think it was Lucius Malfoy's."

"A memory of?" Sirius didn't want to hear, he didn't want to know-

"Of Remus being raped."

And Sirius broke. He grabbed to fistfuls of hair again, and squeezed until it burned. Sobs wracked his body. He was trembling and he couldn't breathe, and the only thing he could think was, _I might as well have raped him myself._

"Sirius, mate," James said, once again trying his best to comfort an inconsolable friend. "Calm down-"

"No!" Sirius cried, his voice strangled. "No, James. It's my fault, my own fucking fault. They _raped_ him, and I told him that the only thing he was good for was sex. Those bastards probably told him the same fucking thing about a thousand times over. And then," he gulped in a breath of air, "and then I told Greyback... I told him where Remus was and they-"

"You _told _him?" James cried angrily.

"Yes," Sirius said miserably, still trembling violently. "Two weeks ago Greyback and some other wolves jumped Peter and me on our way home from an Order meeting wanting to know where Remus was, and I told them. I didn't even hesitate. I told them where he was so they could go and..."

But his throat had grown too tight for speech, so he just sat there and cried, though it was more for Remus than for the pain in his chest and stomach and head and _everywhere._ He wanted James to tell him what a bastard he was and leave. He'd done exactly that to Remus, only difference was that Sirius deserved it. But James didn't leave. Instead he put a hand on Sirius' back and tried to calm him down. After a good fifteen minutes, James said firmly, "Sirius, calm down, you're going to make yourself sick."

Sirius didn't calm down, exactly, but by then exhaustion had built up enough for him to let it take him over. He laid back on the bed, taking deep shuddering breaths.

"You can fix this, you know," James said quietly.

"How?" Sirius asked, starting to get worked up again. "How can I make it better? Remus still got raped and tortured and broken and it's still my fault, and I can't take back what I said, so how the hell can I fix this, James?"

"Sirius, the first time wasn't your fault," James said consolingly.

Sirius bit his cheek to keep from screaming. No, the first time wasn't his fault, neither was the second, or the third, but the last time was. The last time was completely his fault, and Sirius didn't think Remus would ever forgive him...

"You can grovel and apologize and _explain_ why you did the things you did," James suggested when Sirius stayed silent. "You can take him back."

"You seriously think he'd want to be with me again after what I've done?"

"Yes," James spat. "I don't know why, but he wants you. That's all he would talk about; how you didn't care, that you just wanted to fuck him. And I know that's not true, but I'm pretty sure you'll agree when I say that you've done a shitty job of proving him wrong. Whether or not you deserve him is a completely different question, but I know Remus needs you and right now he's the one I'm worried about."

Sirius was silent for a moment, thinking about that and hoping that James was right because if he went to Remus and groveled and apologized and explained like James had told him to and Remus told him to fuck off... He deserved it, yes, but he didn't think he could stand it.

"Where is he now?" Sirius asked.

"In his apartment, asleep. I hope he stays there," James said. Then, giving Sirius a sideways look, he asked, "What are you going to do?"

"Go talk to him," Sirius shrugged, his voice hoarse. That was all he could do.

"When?"

"Not..." He shook his head and cleared his throat. "Not right now." No not right now, he had to figure out what he was going to say first.

"But soon?"

"Yeah."

"All right," James said, nodding. Then added as an afterthought, "Oh, and I talked to Dumbledore about you being our secret-keeper."

"What'd he say?" Sirius asked. He didn't really care at the moment, but if he could not think about Remus and what had happened to him for just one minute he'd consider it a blessing.

"That he'd feel better if we used him, but decided you'd do well enough."

Sirius took a deep breath. He'd been trying to work up the courage to say this for weeks now. "I think you should use Peter."

"_Peter_?" James said incredulously. When Sirius nodded, he asked, "Why?"

"Because they'll expect you to use me," Sirius said. "They'll come after me, and you know that I'd die for you all, James, but if I do, you're shit out of luck. Use Peter, let them come after me, and when they do, I won't have anything for them to torture out of me."

James had been shaking his head at him, his mouth slightly open. "Sirius, no-"

"Oh, c'mon, James," Sirius said. "It's the perfect bluff. I mean, Peter's our friend and everything, but if you were Voldemort would you expect anyone to leave something that important in Peter's pudgy little hands?"

"No," James said slowly.

"No one but the three of us will know," Sirius said. "So no one will come after Peter. No one will even give him a second thought."

"Four of us," James said. "If we do it, Lily's gotta know, too."

"So you'll do it?"

"I said 'if', Padfoot," James said. "Big 'if'."

"But-"

"No, Sirius, all right?" James said shortly. "We're both tired and upset and... _fuck._" He rubbed his face with his hands. "Let's talk about this tomorrow, ok?"

"Yeah, all right," Sirius nodded and sighed.

"Yeah," James repeated. "I am now..." he looked at his watch, "almost six hours late. Lily probably thinks I'm dead by now."

"Go home, Prongs, I'll see you tomorrow."

"Night," James said, and headed for the door.

After a moment, Sirius righted himself on the bed, but he didn't bother to get up and turn off the light James had forgotten to turn off. He wasn't going to be sleeping much that night anyway.

A/N:

So... this chapter was really hard. :( I don't think I did Sirius'... pain? guilt? whatever you want to call it, I don't think i did it justice, but i don't know what else to do. oh, well. :)


	24. Chapter 24

CHAPTER 24

Remus woke up aching, but on the whole, he felt well: peaceful, relaxed, cheerful. He stretched his arms over his head and stared at the sunlight streaming in through the window. It had to be nearly noon. He chuckled to himself, at himself, for his laziness, but it felt so good to just lay there.

It was almost an hour later that he finally got out of bed. It hadn't been like all the other mornings of this last month; he hadn't been so depressed that he had to force himself out of bed. He'd just genuinely enjoyed laying there, watching the little flecks of dust swirl in the beam of sunlight that came through his window. It had taken remembering his conversation with James the night before to make him get out of bed. If someone was coming to talk to him, either James or Peter or Lily or Dumbledore or- dare he hope?- Sirius, well... he needed to straighten things up a bit. So he got up, ate a piece of toast, took a shower and started cleaning.

His little flat really wasn't that dirty, he'd certainly seen worse messes in the dorms at Hogwarts. The state of his flat was due more to neglect than messiness and disorganization, but it wasn't anywhere near the spotlessness he was used to. So he cleaned and straightened like a madman. He couldn't remember the last time he'd had this much energy, the last time he'd felt this good; it had to have been before-

Had to have been at least a year now, at least.

A few hours after he started cleaning, he realized that one simple spell could have cleaned the whole apartment in less than 5 seconds... he didn't know why he didn't think of that in the first place... Then he finished cleaning, sat down, and realized why he hadn't used magic.

Sitting still was absolutely awful.

And that's exactly what he was doing. He couldn't get ready to go to work because he didn't have a job to go to. There was nothing to do in the flat because he'd already cleaned everything. He didn't want to go for a walk anywhere because 1: he had nowhere to walk to, 2: if someone (like Sirius) were to show up, he wouldn't be here, and 3: he was absolutely terrified that if he left Fenrir or Lucius or _someone_ would find him again. So he sat on the swaybacked couch that had come with the apartment and waited.

... and waited.

... and waited.

James had said he'd fix things, right? He'd promised he'd make everything better, promised he'd talk to Sirius, said Sirius wanted him back, so why wasn't he here yet? Remus really wanted to go find Sirius, to initiate whatever kind of conversation they would have, but he couldn't make himself do that. Sirius had ended... whatever it was they had, (Remus was still confused about that. Was he a boyfriend or a fucktoy?) and things were only going to be set straight if Sirius wanted them to be.

He glanced at the ancient but still functioning clock on the wall. It was 3:35 p.m. Sirius was still at work. He would be until five o'clock; that's why he hadn't come over yet. A wave of relief washed over him. He had an hour and a half to wait, but (in his mind, at least) Sirius had a rock solid excuse for not being here.

He tilted his head back, stared up at the ceiling, and sighed. He was bored. He couldn't remember the last time he'd been bored. It had certainly been more than a year... It had been like _seven_ years since he'd been this-

What was he going to say?

When he opened his door and saw Sirius standing there, what was he going to say? What should he do? He knew what he wanted to do; he wanted to grab Sirius and snog him senseless, but that wasn't going to happen. He didn't even know for sure if Sirius wanted him back, so kissing was out of the question. He'd have to come up with _something_ to say...

The clock continued to tick, and as it did, Remus' apprehension grew steadily. Five o'clock came and went... At 5:15 he started to tremble slightly, not enough as so anyone who looked at him would notice, but he felt like he didn't have complete control of his muscles, could feel them positively thrumming. 5:30 and the tension was making him nauseous. Little noises were making him jump; like a car alarm going off down on the street below, or one of his neighbors closing their door.

5:45 and Remus was trying to keep from being heartbroken. He should have known better than to expect Sirius to come over. Sirius didn't want him. If he did, he'd be here by now, either begging Remus to forgive him or explaining why he said the things he did. But he wasn't begging or explaining; he wasn't even _here._ He was probably off shagging some poor, clueless sap who'd fallen for his silvery-grey eyes and ornery smile.

It was 6:00 now, and Remus was silently berating himself. He should have known better than to believe James, should have known better than to hope that Sirius would want him back. Just like boredom, he hadn't felt hope for a long time, but he remembered it from his time with Lucius. He remembered how it hurt worse the longer he held on to it. When he'd finally given up he realized that the thing that had gotten him through hours of pure hell didn't exist; there was no such thing as hope in that tiny, pitch-black cell, and he was starting to realize that he'd never left. Physically he was sitting on his couch, but mentally he was still locked in that room. He was still waiting to be hurt and still wishing that someone would come save him, but he knew that no one would, because if they were going to, they'd be here by now.

_tap tap tap_

At first Remus didn't recognize that sound for what it was. He sat there, completely baffled-

_tap tap tap_

... Someone was knocking on his door...

He was up and across the room before he'd made the conscious decision to move. For some odd reason adrenaline was racing through his veins, making him shake once again. He fought the elated feeling in his chest as he turned the knob to open the door. It wasn't Sirius, and if he got his hopes up, he'd just get crushed again-

It _was_ Sirius...

He stood there before Remus looking exhausted and dejected and sheepish and nervous, but he was Sirius.

"Hey, Moony," he said, and gave Remus an awkward smile.

Remus swallowed, trying to get his voice to work. "Hey," he said. _Hey?_ He'd been sitting on his couch trying to think of something to say for almost three hours, and all he could come up with was _Hey_? What was he, a horse?

"Umm," Sirius broke eye contact and ran a nervous hand through his hair. "I, uh... I... Do you want to have dinner with me?"

That baffled Remus. Had Sirius just asked him out on a date? "Sure," he said, trying to not sound too eager. "Where?"

"Just at h-" Sirius stopped himself quickly. "I mean, um, at my place."

Remus paused, wondering what Sirius had been about to say. Just where? Just at home? He looked at Sirius and saw that damn hope in his eyes. Even if he'd wanted to, he couldn't have said no. "All right."

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

After a few short moments of smothering blackness, Sirius was standing outside the door to his own flat, rather than Remus', and an instant later Remus was standing there with him. Without a word he pulled out his wand and unlocked the door before holding it open for Remus. He didn't say anything either.

It was going to be a very awkward night.

As Sirius followed Remus into the apartment, he knew what he should be doing. He should be on his knees begging Remus to forgive him, to come back to him, to please look at him with something other than disinterest in his eyes... But he couldn't do it. He knew what he needed to say, he just didn't know _how_ to say it. He'd tormented himself all day long trying to come up with an apology that needed so much more than simple little words. Finally he'd given up, thinking that the words would just magically come to him when he saw Remus, but they hadn't. He'd seen Remus standing there, clean and calm and sane, nothing like the broken man James had described the night before, and the only thing Sirius could think to do was ask him to dinner.

"So..." Sirius said once they'd entered the kitchen. "What would you like?"

"Food," Remus said, and Sirius smiled. That was his usual answer.

"How about omelet's?" Sirius asked.

Remus raising an eyebrow at him. "Can you even make omelets?"

"Why do you think I brought you home with me?" he answered, raising an eyebrow as well.

Remus snorted and rolled is eyes, and just like that, the ice was broken. They pulled out the eggs, the cheese, the vegetables, and the frying pan and began cooking in companionable silence. When they sat down to eat they even talked a bit, pointless small talk, really, but they talked. They skirted around anything to do with the Order, work, and what they'd been doing the last few months. Once or twice Remus even laughed.

As the night wore on, Sirius was beginning to think that he might get through this without ever having to bring up the things he said or the way he acted, without having to apologize, and he knew it was downright cowardly of him but he was grateful.

After Sirius brought out a bottle of firewhiskey, they moved from the kitchen table to the couch in the living room. Eventually they came to the natural lull in the talking where they'd exhausted all obvious topics of conversation. They sat in silence then, and Sirius didn't feel pressured at all to come up with something to say. He just sat and looked at Remus through the darkness of the living room. (They'd been too lazy to get up and turn on a light.) Remus didn't look at him, though. He just stared ahead, his glass of whiskey still full in his hand.

"Remus?" Sirius asked tentatively.

"Mmm?" Remus asked, turning to look at him.

Sirius knew it was a bad idea. No, bad idea was an understatement. It was a terrible, atrocious, scummy idea, but right then when Remus looked at him relaxed and trusting, he truly couldn't help it.

So he leaned forward and gently kissed him.

For a moment, Remus didn't kiss back, he just sat there, unmoving. Sirius was about to pull away and apologize. He didn't blame Remus for not wanting to kiss him after the way he'd treated him. But then Remus was kissing him back, so tentatively and shyly that it nearly broke Sirius' heart... Nearly but not quite. Sirius reached up and took Remus' face in his hands, deepening the kiss slightly, and when Remus responded immediately, Sirius deepened it further. They stayed like that for a while; kissing languidly in the dark living room. When Sirius' cock began to get hard, he ignored it. The kiss was all that mattered right now, because it was all Remus wanted. But that kiss grew steadily more aggressive until they both were hot and bothered and panting, so Sirius took a chance. He leaned forward slightly, testing Remus' resistance. There was none. Remus laid back on the couch and Sirius followed, their lips never unlocking. Sirius tentatively slid his hand under Remus' shirt, touching the soft, hot skin, and when Remus didn't stop him, he slid it up to his chest where he could feel his heart pounding. Finally, he gave into temptation and ground his hips down into him.

Remus froze.

So did Sirius. He stopped, hoping that maybe if he didn't do it again, Remus wouldn't freak out and leave-

And then Remus was shoving him, pushing him off like he had almost four months ago when Sirius had tried to initiate sex then. But it was different. Then Remus had been scared, totally fucking terrified and Sirius had been able to feel it in his movements. Now he wasn't scared, it was something else. He was...

Angry?

Sirius had gotten off of him willingly, and Remus stood and stalked over to the window where he stood, staring out into the night.

"Remus?" Sirius asked tentatively as he stood up. "Are you all right?"

"Fine," he replied shortly.

"You don't sound fine." Sirius said, taking a hesitant step forward. "You... are you _crying_?"

"No,"

"What's wrong?" The concern crashed over him like a wave. No matter how many times he'd seen it in the last few months, he didn't think he'd ever get used to seeing Remus cry.

"Nothing's wrong," Remus said, his words still clipped and short.

"Don't lie to me, love," Sirius sighed sadly.

"_Don't call me that_!" Remus spat, whirling around to face him.

"Remus, what the hell is the matter?" Sirius asked, shocked into sounding angry.

"Nothing's the matter. I just... I'm not going to just give you what you want, Sirius. Not tonight."

"What, exactly, do you think I want?" Sirius asked, his anger real this time. And then he understood. "You can't think... You_ do_ think... You think I just want to use you to get off? What... What the _fuck_ put that insane idea into your head?"

"_You_ did, Sirius," Remus growled.

"I did?"

"You don't remember?" His tone suggested that he didn't believe a word of it.

"No! I don't remember ever doing or saying anything that could make you think..." Sirius' earnest reply faded as he remembered the night he'd kicked Remus out of the flat. "Oh."

"_If you won't put out, what use are you?"_ Remus said, his tone mocking and hurtful... and one hundred percent correct. "I may not be good for anything else, Sirius, but tonight, I won't be good for anything. Go get your rocks off somewhere else."

"Remus... When I said that... I wasn't... right," Sirius said haltingly. How was he supposed to explain? "Things were so strange and scary. They still are, actually, but I... I just didn't really know what to do. I didn't mean it,"

Remus didn't respond for a moment, and to Sirius that moment seemed to last a lifetime. Finally, keeping his voice tight and under control, he asked, "When you said it, what were you trying to do?"

Sirius hesitated, as he wasn't sure what he meant. "... I was kicking you our of our flat."

"No, Sirius. You were_ trying_ to hurt me," Remus' voice grew tight and forced, and Sirius knew without having to look at him that the tears were back. "I don't know what's worse, the fact that you _wanted_ to hurt me as badly as possible, or the fact that you knew how to do it."

"Remus, I would never hurt you. I love you," he meant that, too. God, he meant it so fucking much-

"Do not tell me you love me! You have no right. Not after what you did to me,"

"And what, exactly, did I do to you?" Sirius asked, confused and desperate.

_"You left me alone!"_ Remus screamed. "I was afraid and hurt and broken and I needed you then more than I've ever needed anything in my entire life, and you quite literally threw me to the wolves. For five months I endured pain and humiliation to _protect _you, because I _loved_ you. They tortured me, Sirius. They _raped_ me. When I got back, after surviving _that _for _you, _you abandoned me because I didn't want to have sex with you. Because I was _afraid._"

"Moony, you have to believe me," Sirius said, feeling his own tears beginning to prick at the back of his eyes. "I am _so sorry._ I- I love you, Remus, please-"

"You're such a fucking liar, Sirius. Don't you _dare_ tell me you love me. I know better. You don't _love_ me."

The contempt in his voice was very clear, and Sirius had nothing to say, no way to defend himself.

"You know, back at Hogwarts, when we were first... together, I knew," Remus said when Sirius held his silence. "I knew I was just setting myself up for a betrayal. But then you looked me right in the eye and promised me that I was more to you than just a come bucket. That it was about more than just sex. And I believed you. You lied right to my face and I believed you."

"I didn't lie to you, Remus," Sirius said, trying to take Remus' face in his hands to force him to make eye contact so he could see that Sirius was telling the truth-

"You just don't get it, do you, Sirius?" Remus asked, ducking away from his touch. "I used to think that there were six billion people on Earth, and only one of them loved me, and you know what? I didn't care. I didn't care that I only had one person in the whole fucking world because that one person was _you_. I didn't care if everyone else in the world hated me as long as _you_ loved me." Remus trailed off a bit wistfully, but when he spoke again his voice was hard. "Saying you're _sorry _doesn't even begin to cover it, Sirius, because you're not _sorry_. You don't _love_ me. You just want to fuck me."

"If that's what you think," Sirius said, his voice tight and trembling from anger, "then you can get the fuck out."

Without hesitation and without another word Remus walked past him and left, slamming the door behind him.

A/N:

... well...

oh a happier note, i have _**3 DAYS**_ of high school left! :D and do you know what would be an AMAZING graduation present? ... a review. or, you know, three or four. :D please?


	25. Chapter 25

CHAPTER 25

Remus slammed the door behind him and practically flew down the stairs and out of the building. He was trembling, he could feel it, but for the first time in a long time he wasn't trembling with fear.

He was trembling with anger.

How could he have been so stupid? What the hell had made him think that Sirius might just want to talk? That he might... not want him back, exactly, but maybe be friends again? That he might apologize?

But if that kiss had been anything to go by, Sirius wanted to be more than just friends, and no matter how stupid it was, Remus wanted it too. He'd wanted that kiss. He hadn't really wanted to have sex, but he remembered thinking that if it got Sirius to take him back, he'd do it. It wouldn't have been rape, (God knows he knew what _that_ felt like). His consent wouldn't have even been dubious. In all honesty, he'd been rather excited to be reminded what it felt like to make love, to be fucked by someone who actually cared about his well being, someone who would kiss him. And even now as he stalked down the street, trembling with fury, he still wanted it... but not like that. Maybe if they'd talked a bit- actually talked, not just mindless small talk- if Sirius had _apologized_ for what he said, if he said he hadn't meant any of it, then Remus wouldn't have had a problem with it. But he didn't apologize, he didn't even mention it, and when Sirius made his move Remus couldn't help feeling used. A relationship based solely on sex was not one he wanted to be a part of, even if he did love the horny git.

But as he walked further he calmed down a bit and he began to feel even more stupid, but in a different way. His life had been so incredibly shitty for the last year... why couldn't he just let the good things happen? Why did he have to fuck everything up? With Sirius he used to feel loved and safe and happy. If it had always been just about the sex, and _that's_ what it felt like, then what was the problem?

"Remus!'

He stopped for a moment at the sound of Sirius' voice, and then continued walking. He didn't want to talk-

"Remus, wait!"

Sirius had come after him, was _running _after him, _chasing_ him, like Remus should have chased Sirius after he'd left the flat all those months ago...

"Remus," Sirius said again, right behind him this time, and a hand grabbed his arm, turning him. He was suddenly face to face with Sirius who was panting and flushed and earnest looking that Remus didn't try to jerk his arm away. "Remus, I'm sorry," he panted. "I am really, really sorry-"

"For what?" Remus spat. He was fully convinced that Sirius wasn't sorry for anything, he was just saying it because it was what Remus wanted to hear.

"For..." Sirius faltered and licked his lips nervously. "For saying things I didn't mean. You're right. I said them to hurt you and I'm sorry. I'm sorry I hurt you and I'm sorry for pushing you too far when you weren't ready and I'm sorry for not having faith in you and I'm sorry for betraying you," he took Remus' face in his hands and while Remus didn't really respond, he didn't pull away either. "I'm sorry for leaving you alone." He stopped and took a deep breath. "But I've been alone too, Remus, and I don't want to be anymore. I'm just a stupid, horny, selfish bastard. I always have been. You know that better than anyone. And it may be the most selfish thing I've ever done to ask this but, please..." his voice caught and for the first time Remus realized how close his friend was to tears. "Please, Remus... Please forgive me."

Sirius met his eyes then, and Remus was horrified. Sirius was balanced precariously on the edge; his face was open and terrified that Remus would reject him... He was vulnerable, and he wasn't bothering to hide it.

Remus closed his eyes. "Sirius," he sighed sadly-

A strange noise made him open his eyes... a whimper. Sirius' hands fell to his sides and he hung his head so Remus couldn't see his face, but from the way his shoulders were shaking Remus knew he was crying.

Remus knew Sirius meant what he'd said. Sirius really _was_ sorry, he really hadn't meant the things he'd said the night he'd kicked Remus out... And he wanted Remus back... No, he wanted Remus to _take _him back. It was the fulfillment every wish Remus had made during the past three months and it made his so happy, so genuinely happy, that he didn't know what to say.

"But if you won't..." Sirius said through gritted teeth, trying to keep his voice under control. "If you won't forgive me, I understand. I just..." he trailed off miserably.

"Sirius, I..." he stopped, at a completely loss for words. Sirius looked up then, and that damned hope was in his eyes right behind the tears and Remus couldn't help himself. He flung his arms around Sirius' neck like a lovesick teenage girl and held on as tightly as he could. "Of course I forgive you, you git," he whispered in Sirius' ear. "It may be the stupidest thing I've ever done, but I do."

Instantly the tension leaked out of Sirius' body and his arms came up to wrap around Remus' waist. He buried his face in Remus' shoulder and Remus felt the wetness of his tears seep in through the fabric. They stood that way for several minutes. Distantly, Remus considered how odd this was; the reversal of their positions. For the last year it had been Sirius offering comfort while Remus trembled and cried...

Sirius took a deep, shaky breath and pulled away. "Thank you," he said and gave Remus a small smile. "Would you... would you like to come back with me? We won't do anything!" he added quickly at the look on Remus' face. "I'll sleep on the couch if you want, just please... please come back with me?"

"Yeah," Remus sighed, smiling at him. "Let's go back."

They turned and started back for the flat. Remus had an insane urge to take Sirius' hand, but he stopped himself. He didn't really know _why_ he stopped himself, but he did... maybe he was afraid that it was a dream and everything would pop like a bubble if he wasn't careful... The silence between them was only slightly awkward as they entered the apartment, but as they stood there unsure of what to do or say, it grew strained.

"Well, umm..." Sirius said awkwardly. "It's almost midnight and I do have to go into work tomorrow so..." he ran a hand through his hair. "I'll go grab a blanket and a pillow-"

"You don't have to," Remus said quickly. At Sirius' incredulous look he shrugged and said, "I mean, you're right, I don't want to _do_ anything, but that doesn't mean we can't sleep together... I mean, literally _sleep_ together." Remus didn't say it, but he didn't think he could face another night of nightmares alone, not when sirius was less than ten feet away from him. It might have been selfish- Sirius would certainly get a much better night's sleep on the couch, but still...

"Are you sure?" Sirius asked.

"Yes."

"All right," Sirius said, and this time his smile was bigger and brighter.

So they went back to the bedroom and got ready for bed. Remus stripped down to his boxer shorts like he always did. Sirius had slept in the nude since he was thirteen, but tonight he kept his shorts on as well, and Remus was grateful. They crawled into their respective sides of the bed and Remus was struck with how odd it was that while so much had changed, they still slept on the same side of the bed as they always had.

Remus was tired enough that he should have been able to fall asleep instantly. He didn't. He felt Sirius in bed beside him, stiff and tense, and he couldn't relax either. They stayed that way for a good while before Sirius whispered, "Umm... Remus?"

"Yes?"

"Can I... Can I hold you, please?" he asked. "I swear I won't try anything. I just... I can't stand it, having you here after so long and not being able to touch you."

Remus sighed. Why was this so awkward? Why was it so hard? Sirius had apologized and Remus had forgiven him. They were back together in almost every sense of the word, so why couldn't things go back to they way they used to be? Four months ago Sirius wouldn't have asked, he just would have snuggled up close. Remus wanted it to be like that again, so he said, "Of course."

So Sirius rolled over onto his stomach, flung his arm over Remus' waist, and pulled him close, burying his face in Remus' neck. After a moment they relaxed, and a moment after that they were both asleep.

A/N:

So... is it just me, or has the quality of my writing gone down hill lately? ... maybe it's not my actual writing, maybe it's the story? I have no idea. And for the record, this ending is NOT the AU ending... i have evil plans, as always. Anyway, I hope you all liked this chapter. :D can i have a review please?


	26. Chapter 26

CHAPTER 26

"Wait, wait," Peter said, giving Sirius a startled look. "Remus is _where_?"

"Back at the flat," Sirius said, picking up the pace. "My flat." As November drew nearer the weather had grown steadily colder. The twilight was deepening quickly as Peter and Sirius approached the Potters house. The golden light coming from inside made the windows glitter like jewels against the velvety night. They were close and if Sirius walked just a bit faster, maybe he could avoid having this conversation with Peter-

"No, I mean... he's... with you again?" Peter stammered.

Or not.

"More or less," Sirius said, smiling a bit despite himself.

"Meaning...?"

Peter wasn't going to let this go, was he? Sirius sighed impatiently. "I don't know, Pete, it's just... he's been staying with me, but it's kind of... awkward." Sirius snorted. 'Awkward' didn't quite cover it. Sirius shouldn't have been surprised that their relationship was just a pale reflection of what it had been; what more could he expect when Remus himself was just a pale reflection of the man Sirius had fallen for? It was nothing like it used to be.

"Why is it awkward?" Peter asked doggedly.

"I don't know, Peter," Sirius said again, this time letting his frustration creep into his voice. They walked up the steps to James' front door and Sirius knocked. "We've only been back together for about a week, and Remus..." Sirius trailed off, wondering how he should phrase this. Finally he settled on, "Remus still isn't back to normal." _At least, if his nightmares are anything to go by._

Thankfully James opened the door and let them in before Peter could ask another question. He balanced Harry on his hip as he let Sirius and Peter in and led them to the kitchen.

"Where's Lily?" Sirius asked as he sat down at the table.

"Out," James said. "She wanted to go see some people before we, you know, fall off the face of the earth."

"And you let her go by herself?" Peter asked.

"She'll be fine, Pete," he sighed. "She's just going to the Longbottom's and then I think to her sister's house. Lord knows why."

"She went to see Petunia?" Sirius snorted. "It's really hard to believe that Lily and that horse are related."

"Believe me," James said. "They wish they weren't."

The three of them sat there in silence for a moment, none of them really knew what to say...

"So," Peter said awkwardly, looking down at his hands. "When are you guys planning on, you know... 'dropping off the face of the earth'?"

"That's kind of what I wanted to talk to you about, Peter," James said. He shifted Harry so he was sitting on his lap and continued. "I don't know how much we've told you..." He trailed off and looked at the chubby man sitting opposite him at the table.

"Next to nothing actually," Peter said, sounding a bit miffed.

"Yeah, well... sorry," James shrugged. "Anyway, Dumbledore seems to think that the Fidelius charm is the way to go..."

"Oh," Peter said knowingly, and Sirius cruelly marveled at the fact that the little man even knew what the charm was.

"So you know how it works?" James asked while fighting to keep a restless Harry in his lap.

"Yeah," Peter said. "Of course. I suppose Sirius will be your Secret Keeper?"

"Actually, Peter, we were kind of hoping you would do it..." James said and worried his bottom lip between his teeth.

Peter gaped at him. He blinked in surprise, and then blinked again before finally managing to ask, "Me?" in a voice that was more a squeak than anything else.

"Yep," Sirius said confidently. Someone had to believe this was going to work.

"B-but... I... I don't..." Peter stuttered incoherently. "Why? Why me? Why not Sirius. Sirius, at least, would make sense-"

"That's why, Peter," Sirius said earnestly, cutting off his friends babbling. "When the Death Eaters realize the Potters have gone into hiding who do you think they'll go after first to ask about them?"

"... You..."

"Exactly!" Sirius said. "No offense, Wormtail, but I really doubt they'll go after you. They probably won't even remember you. Because of that _you_ can provide the protection Lily, James, and Harry need."

Peter gave him a sideways, thoughtful look as though deciding whether or not he should take that as an insult. Then he said slyly, "You're not just afraid of them coming after you, are you, Padfoot?"

"No," he spat, even though it wasn't really true. Of course he was afraid of Voldemort and the Death Eaters. Who wasn't? He was afraid they would find him, afraid they would torture him, maybe even give him a little taste of what Remus had been through. That prickle of fear had become a constant resident of his mind. However, that prickle paled in comparison to what he felt when he imagined the Death Eaters getting ahold of Lily or James or Peter or (God forbid,) Remus or Harry. Was he afraid of Voldemort finding him? Yes, he was. But he was downright terrified that Voldemort would find someone he cared about. By making Pete the Potter's Secret Keeper, he was keeping everyone safe. Lily, James, and Harry would be hidden. Peter was below Voldemort's notice. And Remus... well, he'd just have to keep Remus close. Even though, if Death Eaters came after Sirius like he thought they would, close to him may not be the safest place...

"Well then why..." Peter trailed off, a look of genuine confusion on his face.

"It's a bluff, Peter," Sirius said. "A diversion. They'll come after me, question me, torture me, kill me... whatever it is that they do, but at least they'll be safe, right?" He pointed at James and Harry. The expression on James' face was a combination of grief and fear that Sirius chose to ignore.

Peter stared out the window for a while, thinking. Finally he asked, slowly, "You're sure? You're absolutely sure you want it to be me?"

"Yes," James said simply.

"What about Lily?"

"She agrees with Sirius," James shrugged. "Thinks it'll be nice and confusing for our Death Eater friends."

Peter looked out the window again for a moment, and then he took a deep breath and said, "All right."

"All right?" Sirius asked, a wild surge of triumph rising in his chest. "You mean you'll do it?"

"If you think I can do it, that I won't mess it up, then, yes, I'll do it."

"All right, Wormtail!" Sirius said happily and clapped him on the shoulder.

"Thank you, Peter," James said and smiled at him. "Dumbledore's casting the charm tomorrow, but apparently you don't have to be here for it. As long as we, you know... choose you, everything should be taken care of.

"You'll let me come and see them, won't you Pete?" Sirius teased.

"Of course I will," Peter muttered.

"Good," Sirius grinned and stood up. "Anyway, I need to be getting home-"

"Already?" James interrupted. "Why? It's barely seven-thirty."

"Remus... thinks I'm still at work," Sirius muttered and looked down at the table.

"I was wondering why he hadn't come with you," James said flatly. Sirius looked at him and quailed at the furious expression on his face. "You haven't told him, have you?"

"No," Sirius said quietly.

"Are you going to tell him?" James asked, keeping a tight leash on his anger.

"I... I don't know," Sirius whined pitifully. "Maybe-"

"_Maybe_?" James spat. "Sirius... You still think that he's the spy?"

"Not really-"

"Then why haven't you told him?" James interrupted angrily.

"The fewer people who know the better," Sirius said defensively. "You're not even telling Dumbledore that you've switched."

"That's not the point," James said. "The point is that you still don't trust him-"

"No, James, I do," Sirius said. "I do trust him, I just... what if I'm wrong?"

"Then I'd be wrong, too," James said.

Sirius looked at him helplessly. How could he explain this? This odd mixture of worry and happiness? This love without trust? The fact that Sirius would still love Remus even if he was a Death Eater? That by making Peter their Secret Keeper he was trying to remove temptation from Remus' path? He couldn't. He couldn't explain any of it to James, because James lived in a world where everything was complete. In James' world fathers didn't beat their sons half to death for getting sorted into the wrong house at Hogwarts, people's lovers were never raped and tortured, and friends were always loyal. James just didn't get it.

"I need to be getting home," he repeated dully. "I'll drop by in a week? Check in on you?"

"Yeah," James sighed sadly. "See you then, Padfoot."

"Bye, Harry," he said, setting his hand on the boy's head and grinning when he looked up at him. He removed his hand and said to Peter, "I'll check in on you in a week too, Pete, so you can let me in to see them."

"All right," Peter said, nodding.

"Sirius," James said when he started for the door. "Tell, Remus, please?"

"Bye, James," was all he said.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

He entered the flat to find it dark and quiet, like a home asleep. "Remus?" he called softly. There was no answer. It wasn't even eight o'clock yet. Remus never went to bed this early... A small prickle of fear popped in existence on the back of his neck. Had found Remus while Sirius had been at work? Had Remus left? He drew his wand and checked the kitchen and the bathroom. They were as empty as their darkness claimed. Sirius then went to the bedroom. He paused with his hand on the doorknob, praying to whoever would listen that Remus was on the other side of the door-

He opened it and saw Remus sprawled on the bed, a book open and face down on his chest. He was sleeping. Sirius took a deep breath and, feeling very stupid, put his wand back in his pocket. He didn't know the source behind his sudden, irrational fear. If someone who wished to harm Remus had found him, the apartment wouldn't have been dark, the door wouldn't have been shut and locked. And what had gone wrong in his mind to make him think that Remus wouldn't be asleep? During the last week he'd done little more than sleep. He seemed to be catching up on a few month's worth of missed sleep and Sirius had the terrible, guilty, nagging feeling Remus' insomnia was his fault. He'd dealt with Remus nightmares from the waking side. He couldn't imagine what they were like from Remus' point of view and he'd had to deal with them by himself for months...

With Remus' nightmares being what they were, Sirius hadn't had a full nights sleep in a week, so he was very grateful that tonight he could just slip into bed and to to sleep. He undressed and quietly coaxed Remus out of his clothes and under the covers without fully waking him up. Sirius crawled in beside him, but stopped himself before he touched him. Remus wasn't awake to tell him yes or no, and he didn't want to take the chance. He closed his eyes and let himself drift off...

Dark. Sticky, sweaty blankets wrapped around him uncomfortably and-

Sirius blinked, suddenly awake in the dark bedroom and wondered what had woken him. Then Remus blurted incoherently in his sleep and flung an arm out, hitting him across the face. Sirius swore and sat up, realizing that he had been woken up by yet another one of Remus' nightmares.

"Remus," he said quietly, smoothing the hair back from Remus' sweaty forehead. "Remus, it's all right." But Remus, trapped in his nightmare, fought harder, and tried to pull away from Sirius. "Remus!" Sirius said, louder this time, and grabbed his shoulders to hold him still. "Remus, wake up!" Instead of waking up Remus screamed a pain-filled, broken, miserable scream that Sirius had heard before in the dead of night, but had never gotten used to. "Remus!" he said again.

The struggling body stilled beneath him. "Wha- Sirius?"

"Yeah, Remus, it's me. It's okay. It's just a dream. No one's going to hurt you-" his words were cut off as Remus' arms snaked around his bare shoulders, pulling him down. It was not an embrace; it was like a drowning man clutching at anything he thought could save him. Sirius turned his head to get Remus' hair out of his mouth and his lips brushed Remus'. He found himself holding Remus just as tightly, just as close. It wasn't exactly passion. It was a mixture of protectiveness and need... He loosened his grip, sure that his "need" would push him too far and push Remus away, but Remus only gripped his shoulders tighter and placed his mouth on Sirius'.

Remus kissed him greedily and Sirius kissed him back, not sure whether Remus was awake and really wanted this or was still dreaming. Some small part of his mind worried over the problem while his body reacted in every way it should. His heart pounded, his breath quickened, and blood rushed to his cock with dizzying speed. Remus' kisses and movements were hungry, greedy, and desperate. His hands moved from clutching Sirius shoulders to rubbing his back, and then made their way down to grip his ass. Remus was definitely hot and bothered, if the hard length pressing into Sirius' thigh was anything to go by. He slipped his hands under the waistband of Sirius' boxer-shorts and started to slide them off.

As much as he hated to do it, Sirius stopped him. "Remus... Remus, wait," he said between kisses. "Are you awake?"

"Of course I'm awake," Remus said. It was dark, but Sirius could see his face.

"And you..." Sirius licked his lips nervously. "You want this?"

"Yes," Remus said, and pulled Sirius down for another kiss. Sirius could feel the smile on his lips. "I do."

Sirius smiled as well and said, "Let me take care of you?" He slid his hands beneath Remus' t-shirt and up his chest.

"Mmmm, yes," Remus sighed happily.

Sirius had Remus' clothes off faster than he had thought possible; their lips separating only long enough for Sirius to get the t-shirt over his head. He started to kiss his way down Remus' neck to his chest, but Remus whimpered and pulled him back up so their lips locked again. Sirius could take a hint. Remus was greedy for kisses and Sirius was more than happy to oblige. After a few minutes they broke apart for air and Sirius tried to work his way down again and again Remus whimpered.

"Shhh, it's all right," Sirius said and kissed him again. "I'm not going anywhere." Then, before Remus had time to protest he scooted back and licked pre-come off Remus' slit.

"Hey!" Remus exclaimed and sat up on his elbows.

Sirius stroked Remus' stomach softly and looked up. "Yes?"

"No."

"No, what?"

Remus licked his lips.

"Again?" Sirius asked.

"No."

Sirius had to be careful with noes; he didn't want to chase Remus away again. But the look on Remus' face wasn't fear or resistance, it was wanting and longing. He moved farther back to sit between Remus' legs. "No, what?" he asked, now softly stroking Remus' inner thighs.

"I don't know," Remus sighed, laying back down to stare at the ceiling.

"Say no again and I'll stop. I promise." Slowly Sirius leaned down and took Remus in his mouth. His own cock was aching, but soon he was distracted by what he was doing. He liked having Remus' body under his hands and mouth. Remus started to tremble and Sirius pulled back and looked up.

"You stopped," Remus said in protest and Sirius grinned at him.

"I wasn't sure you liked it."

"Like hell you weren't."

Sirius rose up over him and kissed him lingeringly before scooting back down. This time he wasn't going to stop. He returned to the deep, even rhythm Remus responded to most strongly, if his breathing was anything to go by. Remus' back arched and Sirius kept going. Remus let out a quiet, strangled cry, and then came in Sirius' mouth, who swallowed and kept up his strokes, making Remus' react even as he came down from his orgasm, and Remus shouted, "God, Sirius. _Stop_."

Sirius looked up and said, "It's a bit too late to stop, Moony."

Remus just whimpered and flung an arm over his face.

Sirius froze. _Fuck_, he thought. He swallowed, feeling sick and frightened. Had he misread Remus? Was he that stupid?

"Remus?"

"Sorry," he muttered, his voice tight and trembling. "Just give me a moment, please?"

Slowly Sirius sat back, his own erection wilting.

After a few tense minutes Remus took a deep breath and said, "No."

"No, what?" Sirius asked, the sick feeling intensifying.

"No, no, no," Remus said, and then he was on Sirius, pushing him over and kissing him again with a strange desperation. The sick feeling disappeared and was replaced with a confusion that only grew when Remus said, "You are so perfect."

"Hardly," Sirius snorted. "What I am is confused. Remus, what..." He reached up and locked his arms around Remus. "What was that?"

Remus buried his face in Sirius' shoulder. "I don't know," he said quietly.

"Yes, you do," Sirius replied gently. "You do know, and you need to tell me what just happened. You... you scared me there, Remus, and I..." he trailed off.

"I'm sorry," Remus whispered.

"Don't be sorry, love," Sirius said without thinking and winced, but Remus didn't react to the endearment like he had last time. "Just tell me what happened. Please?"

Remus let out a shaky breath and started trembling again, but not for the same reason as before. For a long time he didn't say anything and if not for the trembling, Sirius would have thought he'd fallen back asleep. Finally he took a deep breath and said, very quietly, "Sometimes they would... They would make it feel good."

The sick feeling returned, and Sirius' heart started to pound.

"And I... I couldn't stand it," Remus continued, and Sirius could feel the wetness of tears on his bare shoulder where Remus' face was. "I couldn't stand it feeling good and it being them, so I would pretend it was you instead. But then... afterwards, I'd have to open my eyes, I'd have to realize that it wasn't you, and that was the worst part. So... a few minutes ago when I-" he swallowed, "when I opened my eyes and it really _was_ you, I just..." he shook his head and tightened his grip on Sirius, who tightened his own grip in return. "I just got... overwhelmed, I guess. I'm sorry." They stayed like that for a long while. Sirius didn't let himself relax until after Remus fell asleep, his face still buried in Sirius' shoulder. He sighed and kissed the top of Remus' head, remembering a thought he'd had earlier that night.

_It is nothing like it used to be._

It was true. Their relationship was nothing like it used to be, but that didn't mean Sirius didn't want it. Remus was nothing like the man he used to be, but that didn't mean that Sirius didn't want him.

-

-

A/N:

so, what did you think? any better than the last few chapters? I hope so. I tried really really hard. :) please review and tell me! please?


	27. Chapter 27

CHAPTER 27

Peter stood still as Death Eaters filed out of the room. He was trembling, he knew, but he didn't think anyone else had noticed. He was a bit impatient, he wanted to get this over with, and wanted to tell the Lestrange brothers to just _leave_ already. He couldn't talk during official meetings because only a select few knew he was a Death Eater. Voldemort knew Dumbledore had a spy in his ranks, he just didn't know who, so Peter couldn't reveal himself to anyone. Finally, it was just Lucius Mafloy and Voldemort left in the room. Lucius knew. It was safe. Peter walked forward hesitantly.

"What do you want, Wormtail?" Voldemort sighed impatiently.

"My Lord I- I have some... information," Peter stuttered.

"Really?" Voldemort said mildly, but Peter could hear the interest lurking in his quiet tone.

"Yes... About the Potters."

"I'm waiting," Voldemort said and turned to face him. Peter wished he hadn't. He hated looking into those creepy red eyes.

"They put more enchantments on their house. And they... they won't be leaving for a while,"

"What do you mean?" Voldemort hissed.

"Well... They're hiding from you. The only way James will leave the house is if he's under the invisibility cloak, but Dumbledore took it when he cast the Fidelius Charm-"

"_Fidelius Charm?_" Voldemort said, his voice rising for the first time that night. "They used a Fidelius Charm?"

"Yes," Peter said meekly, then thought, _And if you would quit interrupting me, I could tell you what you want to hear!_ Voldemort's eyes narrowed dangerously, and for an instant Peter thought he'd said it aloud. He continued hastily, "But I can get you in."

"You can?"

"Yes, they... I'm their Secret Keeper."

For a moment, Peter could have sworn Voldemort was about to smile. Lucius beat him to it. He cackled and Peter jumped; he'd forgotten he was there.

"They made _you_ their Secret Keeper, Wormtail?" he said incredulously. "Why the hell would they make _you_ their Secret Keeper?"

Peter glared at Lucius, but it was a valid point. "It was Sirius Black's idea," he muttered.

"But _why_?" Lucius asked, still laughing.

"Because he thought no one would ever expect them to choose me over him. Obviously he was right," he added in a dark mutter.

"Very right," Lucius said. HIs laughter finally started to abate.

"Now, Lucius. You'll hurt his feelings," Voldemort said, giving Peter a patronizing look.

"But, I... I was thinking," Peter said, pushing on.

"A dangerous habit for you to get into," Voldemort said blithely.

"And if I tell you how to find the Potters-"

"_If_ you tell me?" Voldemort said, raising an eyebrow.

"When," Peter corrected himself quickly. "When I tell you how to find the Potters and when you... find them..."

"And kill them," Voldemort said.

_Will you stop interrupting me?! _Peter thought angrily, but he continued. "Sirius will know," he gulped. "He'll know I told you and then he'll... he'll kill me." It would have been a lot easier for Peter if either Voldemort or Lucius had filled in the rest for him. They knew this, so they stayed silent. "So I was wondering if you could... you know... take care of him."

Lucius' eyes narrowed and he smiled.

"Take care of him?" Voldemort repeated softly. "I suppose you have earned that much at least, Wormtail."

"My Lord, it truly won't be a chore," Lucius said. "I've been wanting to 'take care' of Sirius Black for a long time now. What about Remus Lupin?"

"I don't know," Peter stuttered. "I don't think Sirius told him anything, but he could have..."

"Could I 'take care' of him as well, my Lord?" Lucius asked. Peter heard the excitement in his voice and felt sick.

"You might as well. Go make them disappear," Voldemort said. "But don't go alone. I would hate to lose you over something so stupid."

Lucius grinned and said, "I won't. Thank you, my Lord. Excuse me," before he left the room at a near run.

There was the faintest glint of amusement in Voldemort's eyes as he turned back to Peter. "Now, Wormtail. Tell me where I can find the Potters."

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

As Severus followed Lucius silently through the quiet, dark apartment, his hands were so sweaty he was afraid he'd drop his wand. He tightened his grip. He didn't want to think about whose apartment this was, what Lucius wanted them for, or what he was here to do, but he couldn't help it. He was here to help Lucius capture Black and Lupin, to help Lucius put Lupin back in that dark little hellhole in the dungeons of Malfoy Manor where he'd be tortured and tormented and raped and driven insane. The same fate awaited Black, though he would most likely last longer than Lupin since he hadn't already suffered five months in that particular circle of hell.

In all honesty, it would have been so much easier on Severus' conscience if they'd come to kill the couple, rather than capture them. It would have been quick and clean and (probably) painless. Severus would have felt a bit guilty for not saving them, but Dumbledore had said quite plainly that if it ever came down to either saving someone's life or keeping his cover, he should let the poor soul die. Severus had, of course, agreed wholeheartedly. In the long run, the information he could give the Order would most likely be worth more than a life lost.

But Lucius wasn't planning on killing Black and Lupin. He'd explained excitedly that Voldemort had said "make them disappear" not "kill them", and apparently disappearing into Malfoy Manor's dungeon's counted as long as they were never found by the Order. Severus truly didn't believe he could live with himself if he left Lupin and Black to that fate, but short of attacking Lucius himself telling the whole world where his allegiance truly lay in the process, he couldn't think of a way to stop it from happening. Saving Lupin twice without getting caught or being suspected was an amazing feat. Doing it three times would be a miracle.

The bedroom wasn't difficult to find and Lucius lead the way. He paused at the doorway and Severus came up behind him to peer through the open door. In the dim moonlight filtering in through the window Lupin and Black were sound asleep, tangled up in the blankets and each other. As they watched, Lupin shifted and sighed in his sleep before tucking his head under Black's chin. Distantly Severus wondered how Black could sleep with Lupin laying on his chest like that, but his mind snapped back into focus when Lucius shot him a grin and moved towards the bed. He picked up the wand that was on the bedside table and twirled between his fingers. Severus moved toward the bed as well but the floor creaked beneath his feet; he and Lucius froze.

On the bed, Black scowled, grunted, and opened his bleary eyes. He saw Lucius and jumped. His eyes grew wide and his arms snaked around Lupin's waist, holding him tight, as though he was afraid they were going to take him away.

Which, of course, they were.

Severus crossed to the bed, no longer bothering to be quiet, and stared down at Lupin's bare, scarred back before making eye contact with Black. Black's eyes hardened before they returned to Lucius. Lucius was grinning again, sharp and sadistic, still twirling the wand from the bedside table.

"What do you want?" Black whispered hoarsely.

"What do you think?" Lucius said and cast a meaningful look at the still sleeping Lupin.

"No," he growled and gently pushed Lupin off of him and away from Lucius.

Lucius flicked his wand and ropes appeared out of nowhere and wrapped themselves around Black's hands. "You don't really have a choice, Black, but if you are a very good boy I might let you watch." When Black snarled angrily and sat up, Lucius jabbed his wand into his chest and let his eyes roam. Severus knew he liked what he saw.

Behind Black, Lupin stirred and opened his eyes.

"Hello, pet," Lucius said, and grinned again. Lupin let out a tiny whimper and scrambled to sit up, but with another flick of Lucius' wand Lupin was bound and gagged. "So how are we going to do this?" Lucius asked gleefully. When no one answered him he continued. "Black looks feisty. Maybe I should wait to do him until we get home. But don't worry. I won't leave you out." He ran a hand through Black's messy hair. "You can watch while Severus and I fuck your boyfriend here."

Lupin let out a strangled, muffled cry and shook his head frantically before turning his pleading eyes to Severus.

"I have an idea," Severus interrupted suddenly. Suddenly pulling off a miracle didn't look as difficult as it had ten minutes ago.

"Really?" Lucius said, not bothering to hide his surprise.

"Why don't we... divide and conquer?"

Lucius raised an eyebrow and said, "I thought you weren't interested."

"I'm not really," Severus shrugged. "Just... curious. Besides, after seven years of being tormented by these dickheads I think I deserve some payback."

"Hm," Lucius said and nodded, looking amused. "All right. Which one do you want?"

Severus let his eyes wander over Black, then Lupin (who was visibly trembling), and made a mental note to scrub his eyes out later. He paused, pretending to debate, but there really wasn't a choice. "Lupin."

"You_ son of a bitch_," Black snarled.

"Good choice," Lucius said. "I've already broken him. He shouldn't give you much trouble."

"No!" Black yelled and tried to stand up.

Lucius backhanded him and hissed "_Silencio_!"

"You're such a people-person, Lucius," Severus said sarcastically and rolled his eyes.

"Take him and get out," Lucius said. He grabbed a handful of Black's hair, forcing him to look him in the eye and added, "We get the bed."

Severus grabbed Lupin's arm and drug him off the bed and towards the door, not slowing down when he stumbled. Lupin said something, but it was muffled by the gag and he tried to pull his arm out of Severus grip while looking over his shoulder at Black. With a savage yank Severus pulled Lupin out of the bedroom and turned to shut the door right as Lucius let his robe fall to the floor. Ignoring Lupin's muffled protests, he pulled Lupin over to the couch and pushed him down onto it, before he went back over to the door and pressed his ear against it to listen.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

As Snape walked back over to the bedroom door, Remus thought he was going to be sick. Distantly he wondered why Snape would want to listen to what was happening on the other side. Did it excite him? He squeezed his eyes shut and desperately, uselessly wished to be somewhere else, anywhere else. He'd even be satisfied with being in the bedroom with Lucius as long as Sirius wasn't there listening to him say, _"Gags look nice, but I like silencing charms better. They leave the mouth free for other things."_ Snape may have needed to press his ear against the door to hear what was going on, but Remus didn't. He could hear _everything_ that was happening and he had his lycanthropy to thank for it.

Snape pulled away from the door, apparently satisfied (or adequately aroused), and stalked over to the couch. Remus couldn't help but flinch when Snape reached for him, but all he did was untie the gag. He crouched down so he was level with Remus and glared at him in a thoughtful kind of way. "Do you remember me?"

Remus stared at him open-mouthed for a moment before stuttering, "Uh- Of course I remember you. We went to Hogwarts together. We were in the same year-"

"That's not what I mean," Snape spat.

"Then what...?"

Snape let out a grunt of disgust ant stood up. Remus flinched. This was it. This was where Snape brought out his cock and made him suck him off or turned him over and climbed on top of him-

"Will you stop shaking?" Snape sighed. "I'm not going to hurt you." He pulled out his wand and with one quick swipe cut the ropes binding Remus' hands.

"You... you're not?" Remus asked. He tried to stop shaking but couldn't and hated himself for it. He couldn't really process what Snape was saying, couldn't really understand the fact that Snape didn't seem to want to hurt him. The only thing he could think was that Sirius was ten feet away being raped by that sadistic bastard, Lucius Malfoy, and that he had to save him.

"I've saved your ass two times, Lupin. Why would I hurt you?"

For a moment the world froze from the sheer amazement caused by Snape's words. It took Remus a while to find his voice. "That was you?" he gasped.

"Yes."

"But... why?" Remus was completely flabbergasted.

"That hardly matters. What matters is what we're going to do now."

"And what are we going to do?" Remus asked, trying desperately to ignore the sounds coming from the bedroom. Anxiety started to grow in his chest. He had to help Sirius and he had to do it _now_-

"You are going to save Black," Snape said simply.

"How?" Remus asked quickly.

Snape held out his wand. "Hit me, stun me, go in there and do whatever the fuck you want to Lucius, get Black, and leave."

Remus took the wand gingerly and said, "But you'll... You'll get in trouble, won't you? With Voldemort?"

"Probably," Snape shrugged. "But whatever they'll do to me won't be near as bad as what they'll do to the two of you."

"I... I don't want to hurt you..."

"God dammit, you stupid fuck," Snape snarled angrily. "Your lover is on the other side of that door being _raped_, and this is the only way to save him and not get me killed in the process, so do it!"

Remus hesitated, but inside the bedroom someone moaned and he was on his feet immediately. The anxious, urgent, desperate feeling grew, and before he realized exactly what he was doing Snape's long nose was breaking beneath his fist. He stumbled back and fell to the floor. "I'm sorry," Remus whispered frantically, crouching down beside him.

"Don't be sorry," Snape said thickly. "Just don't... don't tell anyone."

"I won't," Remus sighed, before awkwardly adding, "Thank you."

Snape just gave him an odd look and nodded.

"_Stupefy_."

Snape went still and Remus stared at him for a moment, wondering why Snape had saved him _three times_. But he didn't have time to speculate. There was a sharp cry of pain from the bedroom, and his mind snapped back to reality. Lucius must have taken off the silencing charm. He ran to the door, ready to burst in and save Sirius, but suddenly panic squeezed his heart like an iron fist. Lucius had worked long and hard to make sure Remus knew any violence on his part would be dealt with severely and painfully. Remus was ashamed to find that this lesson was still ingrained strongly enough to invoke a physical reaction. Another moan, and Remus took a deep breath, gritted his teeth and silently opened the door.

Sirius was on his back, his hands tied to the bedposts. Lucius had him bent in half, with Sirius' legs over his shoulders, and was pounding into him savagely. Sirius whimpered quietly and grimaced, turning his face to the side to bury it in his arm, and that's when Remus saw the tears.

He let out an angry yell and threw himself at Lucius, knocked him off of Sirius and off the bed; they landed hard and Remus wound up on top. The surprised look on Lucius face was almost comical. "Don't you fucking touch him, you son of a bitch," Remus snarled. This time the crunch of a nose beneath his fist was extremely satisfying.

"I was doing a great deal more than touching him, pet," Lucius said and smirked, but he didn't move. Remus may not have been very intimidating, but the wand he had jammed into Lucius' throat sure was. "But I'm not done yet. If you let me up, you can watch while I finish."

Remus just growled and pressed harder on his throat with the wand.

The look on his face must have been terrifying because for the first time since Remus had met him, a tiny glint of fear entered Lucius' eyes and he asked quietly, "Are you going to kill me, pet?"

"I want to," Remus said breathlessly. "I really want to." And he did, but when he reached down for that last ounce of courage he would need to say the words, it wasn't there. He knew he'd probably regret it later, but right then he couldn't bring himself to kill his rapist, kill his lover's rapist. He couldn't make himself kill Lucius, no matter how cowardly it made him. So when he opened his mouth to speak, the only word that came out was "_Stupefy_," and beneath him Lucius went limp.

"Remus?"

Remus leapt up and with a flick of Snape's wand the ropes tying Sirius to the bedposts disappeared. He sat down on the bed and asked, "Are you all right?" Instead of answering, Sirius sat up, grabbed Remus' arm and pulled him close, clinging to him tightly. As Remus hugged him back, he mentally kicked himself. Of course Sirius wasn't all right. Sirius was breathing hard and shaking, trying and failing to hold back more tears.

"What did he do to you?" Sirius asked. His voice was thick and trembling.

"Who? Snape?" Remus asked. "Nothing. He didn't do anything. He... I stunned him as well."

"Oh," Sirius said, and held him even tighter. His shoulders shook violently and Remus pulled away far enough to take his face in his hands.

"Hey," Remus said, trying to get Sirius to make eye contact. He didn't. "I got you, okay? I'm right here." But Sirius' face crumpled; he shook his head and pulled Remus close again. Remus squeezed him briefly before he pulled away again and said, "We need to get out of here before they wake up, or before more Death Eaters show up. Can you get dressed?"

"Yeah," Sirius said through gritted teeth.

"Okay." Remus got up, turned on the light and started digging through their dresser. He pulled out two shirts and two pairs of jeans and boxers. He tossed a set of clothes to Sirius and got dressed himself. When he turned back around, Sirius wasn't dressed yet; his hands were shaking so badly that he was having trouble. "Do you need help?" he asked and stepped forward.

"I'm fine," Sirius said shortly, and finally managed to button the jeans. "Where are we going?"

"I still have that little apartment," Remus said, watching Sirius carefully. "I don't think anyone knows about it."

"All right," Sirius said and pulled the t-shirt over his head. He picked up his wand from the bedside table and let out a shaky breath. Remus wanted to say something, but they'd have plenty of time for that later when they were in a safer place, perhaps when Sirius was calmer. So he simply took Sirius' hand and disapparated.

-

-

A/N:

ok, so my Voldemort sucked, I know, but he's hard to do! And, umm... I don't mean to be greedy or annoying or a review-whore or anything, but lately the amount of reviews has been down and I was just wondering if there was any particular reason why? Have I not been grateful enough? would you all like personal responses to your reviews? am i supposed to do that? I really don't know. Anyway! THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!! lol. All of you who actually have written reviews you're absolutely AMAZING and you're really the only reason i'm even finishing this story. Yes, the 5 of you who tell me what you think are my inspiration! Thank you! and the rest of you... you're all right I guess. just kidding! you're cool too for reading.... i guess. :P

anyway, hope you liked it!


	28. Chapter 28

CHAPTER 28

Sirius took a deep, steadying breath and knocked on Peter's door. He waited impatiently, but before too long the door opened, and his friend poked his nose out like a rat.

"Hello, Peter," Sirius said shakily.

Peter squeaked and the little of his face that was visible went pale. "S-Sirius!" he gasped. "What are you doing here?"

"I... I need to to talk to you, Wormtail." Peter just stared at him. "Please?"

Peter hesitated, but he sighed and opened the door fully, letting Sirius into his one room apartment. Peter had only lived here for a month, and he'd been insanely proud when he'd moved out of his mother's house and into his own apartment, but he hadn't exactly been taking care of it. There were dirty dishes on the counter, in the sink, on the table, on the floor by the couch, and dirty clothes were strewn all over the floor. Mindless clutter filled up the space not all ready taken by the clothes and dishes. Sirius was a bit disgusted. He supposed his and Remus' place was a bit messy, but it was more of a "lived-in" kind of messy than just pure filth.

"So... umm... What can I do for you, Padfoot?"

Peter was twitching, and jumpy. Sirius hadn't seen him this nervous in a very long time. Briefly he wondered why Peter was so nervous, but then he pushed it out of his mind. "I need to talk to you," Sirius repeated.

"Yes," Peter said slowly. "You already said that. But what do you need to talk about?"

Sirius picked up a week old copy of the _Daily Prophet_ and a pair of pants off the couch, threw them on the floor, and sat down. "I..." he took a deep breath and glared at his hands, willing them to stop shaking. They didn't. He hadn't stopped shaking since Lucius... He squeezed his eyes shut and shook his head. "I came to apologize."

"Apologize for what?" Peter asked, baffled.

"When Remus first came back, you said he was the spy. I didn't believe you. I got angry with you. And I'm sorry," Sirius' throat grew tight. "I realize now that you were right."

Peter gaped at him. "What? Why? What happened?" He asked and sat down next to Sirius.

Sirius looked at his hands again and said, "Saturday night... Death Eaters showed up at my apartment, and they... Well, they hurt me, but they didn't hurt Remus and I've been wracking my brains trying to think of how they found us and the only thing I can come up with is that someone told them where we were and then I remembered how they didn't do anything to Remus, they didn't hurt him, they didn't do anything at all. And I... I don't think they ever did, because if they had _ever_ hurt Remus the way they hurt me, he... he wouldn't be acting the way he has been. He wouldn't be so... normal." _Because I'm not normal,_ Sirius thought. _I don't think I'll ever feel normal again-_

"You... you think Remus told them?" Peter asked.

"I do," Sirius said after a pause.

Peter let out a long breath and his shoulders relaxed a bit. "I suppose it's a good thing you didn't tell him about the Fidelius charm, then."

"Yes," Sirius sighed and rubbed his face hard with his hands. "That's another reason I came to see you. I want to talk to James, and I need you to let me in to see him."

"All right," Peter said, nodding. "But... What about Remus? What if he finds out?"

"I'm going to take care of Remus," Sirius said. "And I'll visit James afterwards."

"How are you going to 'take care' of him?" Peter squeaked nervously.

"I don't know yet," Sirius said, his throat growing tight again. "Just... Just give me a few days, Wormtail, please? I'll take care of it, I swear, just give me some time." Peter eyed him as if he didn't quite believe him. "Friday," Sirius said suddenly. "It'll be done by Friday."

Slowly, Peter nodded.

Sirius sighed and continued, "I'll visit the Potters Friday night. You to, If you like. Come by and check on you?"

"Sure," he nodded quickly.

Peter told him the Potters' address (which he already knew of course, but he wouldn't be able to find the house if Peter didn't tell him,) and Sirius left, an odd feeling in his chest. He'd thought that one he told Peter he was sorry, finally admitted that he was wrong, that Remus really was a traitor, he'd feel better. He didn't. The words he'd spoken didn't mend the gaping, ragged, bleeding hole in his heart that Remus had created. Four days ago, when he and James told Peter of their plan to use him as the Secret Keeper, he had thought that he would love Remus even if he was a Death Eater, even if he did betray the Order.

But Remus had betrayed to much more than the Order. Remus had betrayed Sirius. He hadn't foiled any of the Order's plans, hadn't given the Death Eaters any information. He'd given them Sirius. That attack was so random, so specific, that the motive couldn't be anything but personal.

He supposed that he should be glad that he'd finally seen Remus for what he was. If he'd remained blind for much longer, Remus could have done something worse. He could have given Peter or the Potters to Voldemort.

He should have been glad, but he wasn't.

He had told Peter that he would 'take care' of Remus, and a mean, angry part of him was looking forward to it. But the other, larger part of him felt sick. He didn't want to kill Remus. No matter how idiotic it made him, he was still in love with him, and he thought that in his own peculiar way, Remus still loved him too. He knew that he couldn't kick Remus out again, because this time Remus would argue more. He would fight for what he'd so recently regained, and Sirius wouldn't be able to stand that. He would crack at the sight of Remus fighting to keep him. He couldn't kick Remus out, so he'd have to make Remus kick him out. He couldn't leave Remus, so he would have to make Remus leave.

Sirius loved him, so he would have to make Remus hate him.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Remus looked up from his book. Sirius had just gotten out of the shower and was donning some fresh robes. It was only about eight o'clock, and since it was Friday this shouldn't have been abnormal at all. But they hadn't made plans, as far as he knew. A few days ago he'd asked Sirius if he'd wanted to do anything for Halloween, but he'd said no. That hadn't surprised Remus. Sirius hadn't been himself this last week. He'd been moody and quiet and jumpy more than once he'd appeared to be on the verge of tears. As far as Remus was concerned, his behavior was to be expected; it was forgivable, and understandable. Remus knew that Lucius was to blame, and he wanted to help Sirius like Sirius had helped him, but he didn't know how. It had always helped when Sirius held him, but these past few days Sirius hadn't let Remus touch him. "Where are you going?" he asked, setting his book down on the arm of the couch.

"To see Peter and then Potters," Sirius said and pulled on his shoes.

"Oh," Remus said. He paused before adding, "Can I go with you?"

"No," Sirius said flatly.

"Why not?" Remus asked, baffled.

"Because I don't want you seeing them," Sirius said.

Remus tried to ignore the note of disdain in his voice. "They're my friends, too," he said. "I can see them if I want."

"No," Sirius said, and laughed bitterly. "You can't."

"Why not?" Remus repeated.

"I won't let you. For you to see them, I'd have to tell you where they are and I won't do it," Sirius said this matter-of-factly, and Remus didn't understand why. What was going on?

"Unless you all performed the Fidelius Charm and you're their Secret Keeper, you're full of shit," Remus said jokingly.

Sirius didn't answer.

"... Did you?" Remus asked, realization dawning. "Are you?"

"... Yes," Sirius said after a slight hesitation.

"When?" Remus asked. He tried to keep the anger and hurt out of his voice but he didn't think he succeeded.

"Saturday morning."

"And you didn't tell me?"

"No."

"Why not?" Remus asked, his voice cracking. Why hadn't they told him? Did they not trust him?

"Why should I have?" Sirius replied angrily. "So you could give them to Voldemort? So you could let Lucius hurt them like you let him hurt me?"

"No!" Remus cried and leapt from the couch. He reached for Sirius and said, "No, Sirius, I didn't _let_ him hurt you. I would never-"

"Why did you do it?" Sirius said and swatted Remus' hand aside. "That's... that's the one thing I don't understand, Remus. _Why did you do it?_"

"I didn't!" Remus repeated earnestly, desperately.

But Sirius didn't listen. "Was it because I told Fenrir Greyback where to find you? I can kind of understand that, but he didn't hurt you, so why did you let Lucius hurt me? I might have deserved some kind of punishment, Remus, but I didn't deserve that!"

For a moment, Remus thought his heart had stopped beating. He couldn't breathe. His brain couldn't process anything after '_I told Fenrir Greyback where to find you.' _That hurt. That hurt so much it was a physical pain, sharp, like a knife through his heart. "You told Fenrir...?" He asked breathlessly. "You told him where I was?"

"Yes," Sirius said. He didn't hesitate, didn't even have the heart to sound remorseful.

"Why?"

"What does it matter? It's not like he hurt you or anything," Sirius said dismissively.

"Didn't... What...? He... _Yes, he did!"_ Remus practically screamed. "Sirius, he did hurt me! He _raped_ me! And he was going to take me to Lucius. He was-"

"It was all just an act and I can't believe it took as long as it did for me to figure that out," Sirius snarled. Then he added, "I'm such an idiot." It seemed he had just as much contempt for himself as for Remus.

"Why would it be an act?" Remus asked angrily. "Do you have any idea how humiliating it is to look at you, to speak to you, to touch you when you know what they did to me? Every time I look at you, I imagine that you're thinking I'm some weak, filthy, masochistic monster because I couldn't stop them from doing what they wanted to do. Why would I _pretend _to be that monster? Why would anyone voluntarily do that?"

"You think I'm weak?" Sirius asked. He wanted to sound angry, but failed to pull it off. Remus knew that he cared about the answer Remus would give. "You think I'm filthy and masochistic? You think I'm a monster?"

"No!" Remus took Sirius' face in his hands. "Not at all. I think you're brave and strong and selfless and the most wonderful, loving person I've ever met." He rested his forehead against Sirius' and continued at a whisper. "But I think you're hurting right now. I think you need help. Let me help you, Sirius. Please."

"How can you help me?" Sirius asked sounding desperate and angry and frustrated. "You don't know what this feels like. You have no idea what I'm going through right now-" his voice broke.

"No idea?" Remus asked. He let go of Sirius' face and stepped back. He had to keep his anger out of his voice. He was angry at Sirius for not realizing that he'd only had a taste of what Remus had endured, (Lucius hadn't even finished!) but Sirius didn't need Remus to be angry right now. He needed Remus to be supportive and understanding, but not angry. It was a moment before he said, "I have a good deal more than an idea, I _know_. He raped you, Sirius, but he raped me too. I know exactly how it feels-

"He did _not_ rape you! You probably liked it, you sick freak," Sirius snarled, anger and hate twisted his handsome face into something ugly, animalistic, and Remus couldn't help but cringe. "You were never raped or tortured or hurt or captured! Why would Death Eaters do that to one of their own?"

"One of their own?" Remus said faintly, then awful realization dawned. "That... That was why you kicked me out, wasn't it? It wasn't because I wouldn't sleep with you, it was because you thought I was a Death Eater."

"I don't think, Lupin, I know," Sirius said, tears standing in his eyes, glittering like diamonds. When he continued his voice was tight and trembling. He sounded absolutely heartbroken. "What I don't know is why. Why do you hate me?"

"I don't! I don't hate you!"

"Yes, you do," Sirius said hopelessly and the tears started to fall. "You gave me to Lucius, you let him hurt me, and someone can only do that to people they hate. Only truly vile, evil, half-breed monsters can hand over their lovers to be raped and tortured and killed-"

"No!" Remus choked out, tears of his own starting to well up in his eyes. He hadn't wanted Sirius to get hurt, that was the last thing he wanted. He would have gladly taken Sirius' place. That night, as he'd been drug from the bedroom, he'd even begged Severus to choose Sirius instead because no matter how bad Severus would hurt him, Lucius would be so much worse. Undoubtedly Severus hadn't understood him because of the gag. "God, Sirius, no! I'm _not_ a Death Eater. I did not _give_ you to Lucius. I did not _let _him hurt you. I... I wouldn't wish that on anyone. Not even Lucius."

"What? Do you have a soft spot for him?" Sirius spat. His eyes were burning. Remus had never seen him this angry.

"Of course not!" Remus said, disgusted by the idea. "I just... I know what it feels like, to be hurt that way, and it's not something anyone deserves-"

With a snarl Sirius backhanded him. Remus fell back against the wall and instantly his hand flew to his left cheek. "Stop lying! You have no idea what it feels like!"

"Sirius!" Remus cried indignantly. "Stop being an ass! I know, all right? How can you not believe me?"

Sirius just glared at him, his hands clenched into fists at his sides.

Remus stared back for as long as he could. After a moment he blinked and looked away, his hand going back to his face. His eye felt like it was about to explode. "I can't believe you hit me," he whispered desolately.

"What, you've never been hit before?" he asked snidely. "I find that hard to believe. Lucius said you liked it rough."

"You'd believe Lucius over me?" Remus shoved himself off the wall angrily. "How many times do I have to say it? I didn't like it! I didn't want it!"

"You say you're not pretending? Fine. I can show you what it feels like."

"Sirius, calm down-" Remus said. For the first time in his life, he was afraid of Sirius. He wasn't... right. There was a strange and altogether terrifying look in his eyes.

Sirius grabbed his arm painfully and yanked in toward the bed. "I'll show you. I'll show you what you did to me and then you won't have to pretend anymore."

"Sirius, wait-" Remus said, desperately trying to pull his arm out of Sirius' grip. Sirius hit him again, but this blow was a punch. Remus felt Sirius' fist connect his his jaw and his legs gave out.

"What?" Sirius asked, dragging him up off the floor. "What's wrong? You put out for Lucius, for Fenrir, for every other fucking Death Eater. You're they're whore, aren't you? That's what Lucius said. So why won't you put out for me?"

Sirius pushed Remus down on the bed, face first. Remus was too dizzy to stop him. The walls were spinning, the bed beneath him seemed to be trying to buck him off, and his face felt like it was made of broken glass. Dimly he registered Sirius climbing on top of him and tearing off his clothes. It wasn't until he felt the head of Sirius' cock probing at his entrance that he had his first coherent thought: _This is going to be one raw encounter, _he mused.

Then Sirius was in him, no warning, no preparation, and Remus cried out in pain. Sirius thrust again, heedless of Remus' discomfort. He even grabbed a handful of Remus' hair and yanked his head back, extending his throat so far he had trouble breathing. "See, Remus? _This_ is what it feels like. _This_ is what you did to me. Hurts, doesn't it?"

"Please, Sirius," Remus gasped. "Please stop-"

But he just snorted in disgust and shoved Remus' face into the pillow. Sirius held him there, his had hard and painful on the back of his neck, as he continued to pound into him. The only thing Remus could to was lay there and take it. His only consolation was the fact that he could breathe; at least he wouldn't suffocate.

"Please, Sirius, it hurts-" Remus cried, his voice muffled by the pillow. "Just... just slow down, please?" But Sirius didn't slow down. If anything, he picked up the pace.

Remus just laid there limply. He could have fought, probably should have fought, but he was afraid to. Sirius wanted control? Fine, he had control. Sirius wanted to hurt him? Then he could hurt him. As far as Remus was concerned, Sirius could have anything he wanted as long as he didn't leave him afterward. As long as Sirius didn't leave him alone again (God, he couldn't stand to be alone, not again) he could beat Remus into a bloody pulp, pound him into the mattress. Just as long as he didn't leave again.

At some point Sirius removed his hand from the back of his neck, but he stayed like he was; face pressed into the pillow. The pillow grew wet, and Remus realized that he was crying. His shoulders were shaking, his sobs being absorbed by the pillow... and Sirius knew. He knew that Remus was crying, he knew that he was hurting him... he had to know-

Then Sirius stiffened and came with a moan. He collapsed on top of Remus, squishing him, making it even more difficult to breathe, but still Remus didn't move. By that time he had stopped crying, and he just laid there limply thinking that if Sirius thought he was unconscious then maybe he wouldn't say anything else, maybe he wouldn't kick him out, call him a Death Eater or a filthy, disgusting monster. Sirius didn't say anything. He just stayed where he was for a moment, and squeezed Remus' shoulders, holding him. Then, gently, he touched Remus' hair, ran his fingers through it, and pressed his lips to Remus' left temple. The embrace tightened-

And then it was gone.

It wasn't until long after Sirius was dressed and gone that Remus rolled over and pulled a blanket over his bruised, broken, and bleeding body. He stared blankly up at the dark ceiling and his tears streamed down the sides of his face, into the hair at his temples, washing away Sirius' last kiss.

He'd left. Remus had given him everything he'd wanted, everything he'd needed, and he'd still left.

It was a long time before he fell asleep.

-

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A/N:

well... we're coming to the end now. I'm sad. :'(


	29. Chapter 29

CHAPTER 29

Sirius' giant flying motorbike hit the pavement with a bump. He put down the kickstand and turned off the engine before leaning over the handlebars and burying his face in his arms. He still had Remus' blood on him, could still feel Remus beneath him, sobbing into the pillow. He felt sick. Why had he done that? Out of all the things he could have done to make Remus hate him, why? Why did he have to do that? And why had he _wanted_ to do it? Why had he _wanted_ to hurt Remus?

Because he'd been hurt.

But not by Remus.

Even now, Sirius was beginning to doubt his suspicions. It had been the stricken look on Remus' face when Sirius had accused him of willingly having sex with the Death Eaters that planted the seed of doubt. But after hearing Remus cry out in pain, hearing him cry, he couldn't tell if it was truly doubt, or merely regret. Remus had said that he was hurting him, and Sirius hadn't cared. Remus had asked him to stop, to _please stop_, and he hadn't. Sirius had, by the very definition of the word, raped his lover, and it made him sick.

He climbed off his motorbike and walked across the sidewalk to Peter's apartment building on watery legs. There was a desperation to his movements. He had to see Harry. He had to see James and Lily and Peter. He had to see them to prove to himself that what he'd done was justified, necessary, and (he might be stretching his luck here) forgivable. So it was was with light-headed relief that he reached Peter's door. He went to knock, but froze before his hand could make contact.

It was open.

For an instant Sirius didn't think he could control his nausea. He bent over, putting his hands on his knees, and took several deep breaths before he had the courage to stand straight again and see what had happened. He pulled out his wand and, his heart beating wildly in his chest, entered the apartment.

What he saw baffled him. It was in the same state of filth as it had been when Sirius had visited earlier that week; food, dirty clothes, papers, and various odds and ends casually flung everywhere. Peter wasn't there, but neither were signs of a struggle or fight. It looked as though Peter had simply left, and forgotten to close his door behind him.

Something didn't feel right. All of Sirius' mental alarms were going off and impossibly his heart began beating faster. Where had Peter gone? He'd known that Sirius would be coming by tonight. Peter may not be the brightest star in the sky, but he'd never ditched one of his friends. And this was _important_. Goddammit, where was he?

Sirius turned and sprinted back down the stairs and out the building to his bike. He had to get to the Potter's and he had to get there now. He jumped on and with a spine-jarring roar of the engine he was off.

The flight to Godric's Hollow was the longest of his life. The lights of cities below him and the stars above him were cold and distant, and only served to magnify the black fury growing inside him. There was a shivering anxiety gnawing its way up and down his bones, making him tremble. He willed his bike to go faster and belatedly realized that it would have been so much quicker to Apparate. But up in the air with his bike, there was no way he could manage. Besides, with his mind going in a hundred miles an hour, it was probably safer to fly. He didn't want to splinch himself.

Finally the light's of Godric's Hollow shone up at him. He went into a dive, probably steeper than was wise, and the ground rushed up at him. With a violent bump and a loud screech he hit the pavement in front of the Potter's. The house was completely devastated. Splintered wood and broken tile littered the yard and street, jagged edges of the roof and walls clawed at the sky. He was too late. If Voldemort had wreaked this much havoc upon the house, what had he done to Harry, James, and Lily?

He squeezed the brake and leapt off before the bike had even come to a complete stop. Forgetting the kickstand, and ignoring the crunch as his bike fell over, he sprinted up the sidewalk. He stopped a few feet from what was left of the door, and felt his entire body go numb. There, just inside, was James. Sirius stumbled back and grabbed two fistfuls of hair, pulling till it burned and blinking furiously against the hot prickle of tears. James simply stared up, unseeing, his glasses askew.

Sirius ran off the sidewalk to the right, where the majority of the damage to the house was. Harry's room was on that side of the house... He didn't have to go far before he saw a slender white hand, and next to it, poking out from beneath the rubble, hair that in the light of day would have been a lovely shade of dark red.

He stumbled back a few steps before he lost his footing and fell back on his butt. James was dead. Lily was dead. Harry was probably dead too, but Sirius couldn't bring himself to look for him. The sight of Harry, little and helpless... dead... That might just dive him insane.

There was a crack of wood breaking and one of the shadows moved. Sirius was on his feet in an instant pointing his wand at the gigantic figure and in his fury and grief was about to start shooting curses randomly when, very faintly, he heard crying. A baby was crying.

Harry?

Bafflement clouded him thoughts. Voldemort had killed James and Lily, had destroyed their entire _house_... how was Harry still alive? Then, through the darkness, Sirius was able to discern the hulking figure of Hagrid.

"Hagrid?" Sirius croaked and lowered his wand.

The crying grew louder as Hagrid walked closer. He squinted at Sirius for a moment before recognizing him. " 'Ello, Sirius," he said, and Sirius saw the little bundle in his arms.

"Is that...? What..." Sirius stammered, unable to articulate his thoughts. For some reason he seemed to fear that voicing the hopes would somehow cause them to not be true.

"It's Harry," Hagrid said gruffly.

"But... but James and Lily, they... They're dead-" his voice broke and the first of many sobs silently wracked his body.

"Aye," Hagrid said sadly and thumped him on the back with a massive hand. "But Harry ain't, an' at the mo' I guess that's the important part, innit?"

Sirius simply lowered his head. After he'd gotten his crying somewhat under control, he asked, "Is he all right?"

"Yeah," Hagrid nodded. "Gotta nasty cut on his forehead, but I think he'll be allrigh'."

Sirius nodded, an then a thought occurred to him. "Hagrid... Why are you here?"

"Dumbledore sent me to get Harry."

"Well... I'm here now, so I can take him," Sirius said and held out his arms to receive his godson.

"Can't, Sirius," Hagrid said and shook his head.

"What?"

"I got me orders from Dumbledore. I'm s'pposed to take him to his family."

"His family? Hagrid, I'm his family. I'm his Godfather. Lily and James wanted me to-" but saying their names brought on a new wave of tears and silent, wracking sobs. _To take care of him,_ he finished mentally. He was supposed to take care of Harry, to protect him...

Like Peter was supposed to have taken care of Lily and James.

Distantly, Sirius realized that Hagrid was speaking.

"Ah, I know tha', Sirius, but I got me orders-"

Peter must have had orders of his own, but these wouldn't have come from Dumbledore...

"An' I figure Dumbledore knows best, ya know?"

He _did_ know best. Lily and James should have used Dumbledore as their Secret Keeper...

"I s'pect you'll be able to visit Harry. M'only taking him to his family. Lily's family."

He wouldn't be able to visit Harry. They had taken such pains to make sure that everyone- _everyone_- thought Sirius was the Potter's Secret Keeper, so naturally, everyone, even Remus, would think that it was Sirius who betrayed them. Normally Sirius could have counted on Remus to defend him, but after the things he'd done tonight, in Remus' eyes, he would be capable of anything and everything evil...

But Peter... _he _was the evil one, and at that moment Sirius didn't care if he spent the rest of his life in Azkaban as long as he got to wring that little rat's neck first.

"How are you getting him there?" Sirius asked.

"Well..." Hagrid said. "M'not too sure abou' that, but the Knight Bus is always an option, innit?"

"Take my bike," Sirius said hollowly. "It'll be faster. Safer too, probably."

"Yer bike?" Hagrid asked incredulously. "But you love tha' bike."

"I won't need it anymore," Sirius said, and with one last look at Harry he turned and walked away. He had a rat to catch.

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A/N: Wow. OK, I am SO SORRY that this took so long and I bet this wasn't as exciting or dramatic as you were expecting. Thanks for reading. Can I have a review please? It would make me feel so much better.

P.S. I think there's been some confusion. This is NOT the last chapter. I have at least one more planned. I just honestly don't know when it will get done.

P.P.S. For those of you who don't know (I don't know how many that is) remember that "Companion Piece" I said I'd write about the 5 months Remus spent with the Death Eaters? Well, I have 2 chapters up. It's titled "Sadistic Bastard" by me (baileycakes) but it is really nasty and graphic. So if you want, toodle on over and take a look, but if not, no worries. Just figured I'd let you know.


	30. Chapter 30

CHAPTER 30

Remus was in that grey place between sleeping and waking where sounds and pain, and emotions registered, but held no meaning. He knew he hurt; his face felt like a throbbing mass of raw meat, his arms and legs were heavy and aching, and he was hurting in places he didn't want to think about. His eyes felt sore and gummy like they did when he fell asleep crying, something that seemed to be happening a lot lately. To put it simply, he felt _bad_, and not just physically either. This feeling in his chest, like there was a large, ragged hole clawing and tearing at his heart and lungs... He'd felt that before. Where, though? When?

Distantly he heard a door open and close. Was it the door to his flat? He didn't care. He just wanted to sleep- But whoever it was started talking, saying his name, he thought- but _he didn't care._ He wanted this ache in his chest to go away. What was wrong?

Then a hand touched his cheek. It stung and he jerked awake, his arms flying up to protect his face.

"Remus?"

He peeled his eyes open- it was surprisingly hard to do- and saw the bright blue eyes of Albus Dumbledore looking down at him concernedly.

"Hmm?" Remus tried to ask, but his throat wouldn't work, and it came out like a breath.

Dumbledore blinked at him, and an odd emotion passed over his face. Was it relief? Then he closed his eyes, sighed, and pinched the bridge of his long, crooked nose before asking very quietly, "Did Sirius do this?"

Remus stared at him for a moment, uncomprehending, before he remembered. It was like the last piece of a puzzle had finally been set down and his confusion disappeared instantly. "Yes," he whispered, and squeezed his eyes shut against the hot prickling of tears.

"Here," Dumbledore said, and Remus opened his eyes to see Dumbledore offering him a glass of water that he must have conjured from somewhere.

Remus sat up slowly and, once his head had stopped spinning, took the glass from Dumbledore and drank. When he said "Thank you," his voice was still hoarse, but he didhave a voice.

"Do you know where Sirius is now?" Dumbledore asked, his voice harder.

"No," Remus said, slightly confused. Why was Dumbledore angry?

"How long has it been since you saw him last?"

"Umm..." Remus blinked and shook his head, trying to clear it. "I'm not sure. What time is it?"

"Almost eight in the morning."

"About... about eleven hours ago. At about nine o'clock. Why? Where is he? Is he all right?"

"I'm sure he's fine. However, he's not the one I'm worried about." When he saw Remus' concerned look he added, "We have been deceived, Mr. Lupin." Dumbledore sighed tiredly, and with a wave of his wand a chair appeared in front of him. He sat. "Sirius is a Death Eater."

Remus gaped at him, his face going numb. _"What?"_

"Sirius is a Death Eater," Dumbledore repeated wearily. "He's been feeding Voldemort information for at least a year now. More likely than not, your capture was his doing."

"Least night, he... He said he told Fenrir Greyback where to find me..." Remus said faintly.

"You don't seem very surprised," Dumbledore said.

Remus thought about that, and was ironically surprised to realize that he _wasn't_ surprised. "No," Remus shook his head. "I'm not. After what he did last night, I'm not. But it still..." He squeezed his eyes shut and pressed the heals of his hands to them, taking a shuddering breath. "Still hurts." Dumbledore didn't say anything, and Remus was grateful. He didn't want to explain this feeling; this mixture of shame and anger and broken-heartedness. He didn't know how he could possibly still love the man who'd betrayed him, and abandoned him, and beaten him, and _raped_ him, but he did. _How many times to I need to be hurt before I'll learn my lesson? _he thought desolately. He sat there for a moment, wallowing in this pain, focusing every fiber of his being on that feeling in his chest, forcing himself to _remember it_- then a thought occurred. "And he said," Remus made eye contact with Dumbledore then, fear rising in his chest. "Dumbledore, he said he was James' and Lily's Secret Keeper. If he's a Death Eater, he'll tell Voldemort, we have to-" the look on the old man's face stopped him.

"It's too late, Remus."

Remus felt like he had the night before when Sirius had hit him. It was a good thing he was sitting down. "You mean they're-?"

"Yes," Dumbledore said, letting out a shaky breath. "Last night."

"How..." Remus' breath caught. He was having trouble breathing, he was trembling so hard he was surprised the bed wasn't banging against the wall, but he wasn't crying. How odd. "How could he do that? How could he do that to James? To_ Harry_?"

"I don't know," Dumbledore said. "But I think the outcome rather devastated him."

"What?" Remus asked, baffled.

"Harry's not dead."

Remus' heart stuttered. "He's not?"

"No. And Voldemort is gone." Dumbledore said.

"Gone?" Remus asked. "You mean-?"

"No, he's not dead. But he's... defeated."

"How?"

"Harry.

"_Harry?_" Remus gaped at him. Harry had stopped Voldemort? Harry was fifteen months old, how had he...?

"I'm a bit confused myself," Dumbledore said, with a small, brittle smile.

"Where is he now?"

"On his way to his aunt and uncle's."

"Where's _Peter?_" Remus asked, alarm flaring once again.

"I'm not sure," Dumbledore sighed. "I've spent the last few hours hunting the two of you down; I was afraid Sirius would try to make the break complete... Needless to say, when I walked in here and saw you lying motionless in bed with your face covered with blood, I thought..." he trailed off and shook his head.

"Never mind that, where's Peter?" he asked again. "We have to find him! We have to find him before Sirius does-"

"I know, Remus," Dumbledore said calmly. "And we will. But you are staying here."

"What?" Remus cried indignantly.

"You're not in any shape to go chasing after anyone," Dumbledore said firmly. "Please, let me take care of it." Remus opened his mouth to protest, but Dumbledore cut him off. "Does your face hurt? It looks like it would."

"Well, yes, it does, but-"

"Hold still," Dumbledore said, and pointed his wand at him. His face went warm and fuzzy. He touched his cheek carefully and found that the skin where Sirius had hit him was no long bruised nor split. "There," Dumbledore said, rising. "Now, as you said, we have to find Peter. I'll go find him, and then the three of us will have a nice, long talk." He said this darkly. Clearly he wasn't looking forward to it any more than Remus was. "You get yourself cleaned up. I'll let you know when I find him."

Remus opened his mouth to argue again, but Dumbledore turned on the spot and disapparated with a loud _crack_, cutting him off.

He leapt off the bed and hurried into the bathroom, still shaking like mad, though his mind was surprisingly clear. He had to find Peter. Lily and James were dead, and he'd mourn them properly later, but Peter was still alive- he could still save Peter. He grabbed a washcloth out of the tiny linen cabinet and got it wet with some warm water before looking in the mirror. When he saw himself, he realized why Dumbledore had been afraid he was dead. He was too thin, as always, with his cheekbones jutting out sharply. His skin was ashen, and there was dried blood on his left cheek and on his jaw; the skin had split where Sirius had hit him. With a jolt of shame he realized that there were tear tracks in the blood... He wondered what Dumbledore thought of him.

He washed his face carefully. It no longer hurt, but it was a little tender. He threw the washcloth into the sink and ran back to the bedroom to pull on some clothes. He wanted a shower. He wanted to wash every trace of that lying, murdering, betraying son of a bitch off of him, but he didn't have time. Right now he had to save Peter. He'd shower later.

When he was dressed, he stood in the middle of the room and closed his eyes, focusing on his memory of Peter. He could see him very clearly; his dirty blonde hair, his open, round, honest face- he could even see the little scar above his right eyebrow that he'd gotten in their fourth year at Hogwarts when Peeves had pushed a suit of armor onto him. Remus let this picture of Peter fill his mind, until there wasn't anything else, and then he shifted his focus to the little spot of ground _next_ to Peter, wherever he was... He'd never done this before, never even heard of it happening before, apparating to a person rather than to a place, but it had to work-

He spun on the spot, and after a few moments of smothering blackness, felt his feet hit solid ground. He opened his eyes and saw that he was standing on the sidewalk of a very busy street. Cars were caught in the morning traffic jam, Muggles in suits and skirts hurried past him on their way to work. There was a startled squeak at his elbow and Remus turned to see Peter staring at him with large, frightened eyes.

"Peter!" Remus exclaimed and pulled the little man into a tight hug, relief washing over him. "Thank God. Peter, listen-"

But Peter wrenched himself away and snarled, "_Let go of me!_"

Remus did, a little confused and hurt, and then followed Peter's gaze down the sidewalk. A tall, dark haired man in wizard's robes was walking away from them hurriedly, like he was chasing something. Remus would recognize that swagger anywhere. It was Sirius.

Peter started after him, but Remus caught his arm. "No, Peter, don't! He's looking for you."

"I know," Peter said.

"He'll try to kill you!"

"I know!" Peter said, jerking his arm out of Remus' grasp. "But he won't because I'm going to kill him first!"

"But-"

"If you want to let him get away with what he did, then fine, Remus, but I won't!" He shoved Remus hard enough to send him sprawling, then turned and ran after Sirius.

"Peter!" Remus yelled, and scrambled up but by the time he had gotten to his feet both Peter and Sirius had turned down another street. He ran after them and just as he was about to round the corner he was deafened by the sound of a huge explosion. A wave of heat passed over him and tiny bits of concrete stung and tore at his skin. He crouched down against the wall and covered his head with his arms-

Then it stopped. There was an odd ringing in his ears, and he opened his mouth, trying to pop them, but it didn't work. Faintly he heard screaming, and he looked up to see Muggles running everywhere, sobbing and crying out. He stood shakily and peered around the corner.

There was a crater in the middle of the street so deep it cracked the sewer below. There were people lying everywhere. Dead? Probably. The thought made him sick; there must have been at least a dozen of them. By then his hearing had come back enough to hear something new. Someone was... laughing? He blinked, confused, and cast his eyes around. They landed on Sirius. He was standing at the edge of the crater, his wand raised, a pile of bloody wizard's robes at his feet, and he was laughing.

Remus stumbled and turned away, but it was too late; that insane, maniacal gleam in Sirius' eyes, that cruel laugh- it was burned into his mind. He disapparated again, not caring if the Muggles noticed. They probably wouldn't. There had just been a massacre, how would they notice one man disappearing into nothingness?

He materialized back in his flat, leaned against the wall wearily, and slid down it so he was sitting on the floor, the image of Sirius laughing still dancing before his eyes.

It was odd how little he was feeling. He was still trembling, still felt sick to his stomach, but beyond that? Nothing, really. James was dead, Lily was dead, Peter was dead, and it was Sirius' fault. No, it wasn't his fault, it wasn't something that had come about by accident, as a result of something he'd done unknowingly. He had willfully enacted their deaths; he had killed Peter himself.

How had he ever loved that man? How had he ever felt safe with that man? Was he the stupidest idiot in the world? How had he not seen that darker, hidden side? He'd thought that Sirius couldn't hide anything from him. He'd been wrong. He'd never been so wrong in his life. Was he really so pathetic that a few soft touches and whispered endearments could fool him into thinking a murderer was a good man? Apparently. He thought about all the times Sirius had smiled at him, held him, called him 'love' in that gentle sincere voice, and shuddered, wondering what Sirius had really been thinking...

In the last twelve hours he had lost literally everyone he cared about, and he felt nothing but a hollowness inside him. He didn't understand it, but he was grateful.

Remus was tired. He was so tired that he slumped down so that he was lying on his side on the floor, arms crossed over his stomach, trying to ignore the emptiness. He fell asleep like that, and dreamt he was being tormented by a gorgeous, beloved, evil man, his laughter still ringing in his ears.

**THE END**

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-

A/N:

o...m...g...

It's DONE!! That is SO crazy!! Really hard for me to realize... I've been working on this fic for like... almost a year now. Needless to say it ended up being WAY longer than I had originally planned, but oh, well. Now that it's over, will you all please tell me what you thought? Thanks so much!!

P.S. The AU ending is up in the air right now. Is it still something people would like to read? Because if it's not, I won't waste my time. Please let me know! Thanks again! You're all amazing. 3


	31. Chapter 20 AU Version

A/N: AU ENDING!!!

so, basically, I wasn't very excited about writing an AU ending, which is why I haven't been working on it. I don't like AU, so I guess it's weird that I like Sirius/Remus. To make myself feel better, I try really hard to weave my fanfics into the original story. BUT... I've been thinking, and I have some ideas for an AU ending, and now I'm pretty darn excited, especially if people are actually going to read it, which, judging by your reviews, I think you will. So I'm going to give it a shot.

However, I will warn you. There were like... what? Two chapters in this entire story that were even remotely happy? And I noticed that people didn't seem to like them as much. I think I know why; I'm way better at writing angst than I am happiness. As an AU ending, it will be happy, so please don't be too shocked when it isn't very good. okay? Great!

**WARNINGS: **There's going to be some nastiness in this chapter, so watch out.

CHAPTER 20

_(oh, if you can't remember, go reread chapter 19 real quick! that's where the story splits!)_

Sirius slammed the door behind him, ripped off his jacket and threw it on the floor. He strode purposefully toward the kitchen, then realized he had nothing to do there, and turned around, going back to the front room. He sat on the couch, bounced his keen up and down a few times, then stood up again. He went to the bedroom to lie down, but could only stay in bed for a little over a minute. He got up and went to the living room again, where he stood in the middle of the room and ran his hands through his hair, his heart beating wildly. He couldn't stay still. He couldn't get the thought of Greyback getting ahold of Remus out of his head. Part of him thought Remus would be all right. If Remus really was a Death Eater, Greyback would have no reason to hurt him.

But if he wasn't...

Sirius cried out in frustration. This was completely idiotic. Remus _was_ a Death Eater, and he sure as hell didn't need Sirius to look out for him. The last thing Sirius needed to do was walk into the middle of a group of werewolves while they were having some sort of secret meeting. That was a sure way to get himself killed, and Remus probably wouldn't even appreciate the gesture.

But something was bothering him, some prickling in the back of his mind wouldn't leave him alone, and it wasn't until he forced himself to sit down and think about it that he realized what it was.

Why had Greyback asked him where Remus was? If they were having regular Death Eater meetings, wouldn't he know where Remus was living, or at least be able to contact him in some way? That didn't add up...

Sirius leapt off the couch and scooped his jacket up off the floor. He'd just go check on Remus. If he was okay, he'd leave, and be damn careful about it too. He didn't want to get captured, but he knew he couldn't just sit there. He had to know...

He paused for a moment and took a deep breath- splinching himself was just about the last thing he needed right then- then closed his eyes and spun, feeling his way into nothingness. After a moment of suffocating darkness, he opened his eyes to see that he was standing in front of a door. He'd never been here before, but he assumed that this was Remus' door. It was open slightly, showing a sliver of the room beyond. On the other side someone was talking.

"Little bitch broke my nose," someone growled thickly.

"So? It's your own damn fault for not holding him," someone else said. Sirius recognized that gravelly voice. It was Fenrir Greyback. "Get him up."

"We takin' him to Malfoy's?" the first voice asked.

"We're supposed to, but that doesn't mean we can't have some fun with him first," Greyback said. "Now wake him up. I want him conscious."

Sirius felt sick. That didn't sound like a Death Eater / werewolf meeting. Sirius knew he was outnumbered, knew he should disapparate and go get some back up. But he could _not_ leave Remus here alone. He dug in his pocket for his wand, but before he could find it, a hand grabbed the hair at the base of his neck and jerked his head back, pressing something cold to his throat. Someone had snuck up on him.

"Open the door," the man said quietly.

Sirius swallowed nervously and felt the knife break the skin. A drop of blood trickled down his neck and he pushed the door open. Fenrir and the others inside went still, their heads whipping around to look. Remus was on the floor, unconscious, the right side of his face bloody.

"Caught him on the other side of the door, listening," the man with the knife said.

Fenrir chuckled and walked over, stopping with their faces inches apart.. "Well, Black, did you come to save him, or did you just want to watch the show?"

Sirius didn't say anything, only glared. Fenrir smiled, exposing his filthy yellow teeth, and patted Sirius on the cheek. He then took a step back, picked a bag up off the floor, and threw it to the other man in the room. "Tie him up. Make it so he can watch." The man dug through the bag and pulled out a length of rope. Sirius didn't fight as his hands were bound in front of him. With that knife at his throat, he didn't dare. When his hands were tied they shoved him down so he sat with his back against the wall, and tied his wrists to his ankles. He was stuck. They hadn't taken his wand from him, but it was in his pocket and, tied as he was, he had no way to reach it. From his spot on the floor, he could see the entire one-room apartment without difficulty. But what, exactly, was he supposed to watch? What was going to happen?

Fenrir had crouched next to Remus and was shaking him, trying to wake him up. Every time his head just lolled, a bit grotesquely. Finally Fenrir backhanded him savagely and Remus came awake with a jerk and a gasp. "Hello, Lupin," Fenrir said.

Sirius saw Remus try to scramble away, but Fenrir was to fast for him. His hand knotted in Remus' hair and with a hard jerk, he had pulled him up onto his knees. Remus tried to twist away, but Fenrir wouldn't let go. "Calm down. You know it's worse when you fight-"

"Let me go!" Remus snarled, and his hands went up to claw at Fenrir's arm.

Fenrir ignored him and said, "Look, Lupin. We have a visitor." He turned Remus' head in Sirius' direction, and Sirius saw his jaw drop.

"Sirius, what the hell-"

"Mr. Black here," Fenrir interrupted. "Was kind enough to tell me where you were. So I decided he could watch.

Beneath the blood, Remus' face went pale, but his eyes looked more hurt than afraid. "Why did you-"

"Get up," Fenrir interrupted again, and hauled him to his feet before shoving him at the other two men in the room. They caught him and Remus started struggling. The man with the broken nose had his arms wrapped around him from behind, pinning Remus' arms to his sides. He kicked and caught the other man in the stomach. He doubled over with a grunt, but Remus still couldn't get free.

"Where do you want him?" asked broken-nose man thickly.

"Over the table," Fenrir said, and started digging in the bag.

Sirius still didn't understand what was happening. What were they going to do? He watched as Remus and the other two werewolves wrestled for a few more moments. There was a panicky desperation in Remus' movements, but in the end he didn't stand a chance. They managed to pull Remus' shirt off over his head, but it wasn't until one of them started unbuttoning Remus' pants that Sirius understood.

"Hey!" he cried, outraged. "Leave him alone-"

"Can it," Fenrir said, and kicked him in the ribs, knocking the wind out of him. Before Sirius could catch his breath, Fenrir had taped his mouth shut using a roll he'd taken from the bag.

Sirius immediately looked to Remus again, and went cold. He was naked now- bruises were starting to show up on his pale skin and he was much, much to thin. They drug him over to the little table, right in front of Sirius and not four feet away, and bent him over it, slamming his face down onto the wood. One of them held him there, while the other stretched his arms out and, with more rope from the bag, tied his wrists to the table legs, before crouching down and doing the same to his feet. They both straightened up, breathing heavily, and looked to Fenrir.

"Good," he said. "Now leave."

They both looked indignant. "But you said-"

"You'll get your turn after I've had mine, and I want some privacy," Fenrir said. He walked over to the table where Remus was bent over, spread out, tied up, and ran a hand down his back, stopping on his tailbone. Sirius let out an angry yell. It was muffled by the gag and none of them paid him any attention. Without taking his eyes off Remus, Fenrir stuck out his hand and said, "Give me your knife and go stand watch with Liam. Don't come back up until I call you." Looking mutinous, the man who'd captured Sirius handed over his knife. They left grumbling.

For a moment, the only sound in the room was that of Remus' panicked breathing. Then Fenrir stepped up behind him, set the knife down on the table, and leaned over him. Sirius' stomach twisted. He had the perfect side view, and it made him sick.

"Get off of me," Remus snarled, and pulled frantically at the ropes.

"But that wouldn't be very fun, would it?" Fenrir asked. He grabbed Remus' hair and turned his head, so he was facing Sirius. "Don't you want to give Black a good show?"

Their eyes met. The look in Remus' was anguished, but otherwise unreadable. he squeezed them shut and tried to turn his head away.

Fenrir let go of his hair and stood up, hands gripping Remus' hips. "Answer me, Lupin," he said and ground against him. "Don't you want me to fuck you?"

"No," Remus spat, breathing hard, his hands clenching into fists. He pulled at the ropes again.

"You sure?" Fenrir chuckled and ran his hands over Remus' buttocks, thumbs slipping into his crack. Remus jumped and Fenrir chuckled again. "I think you're excited. I think you want it. Well? Do you want my cock?"

"No!" Remus said again, a note of desperation in his voice now. His eyes once again met Sirius'. He was frightened. He was terrified, and humiliated, and hurting, and Sirius had to help him, but the more he pulled on his bonds, the tighter the ropes seemed to become.

"No?" Fenrir repeated, sounding amused. He picked up the knife and, with a feral smile, pressed the tip to Remus' hole. "Would you rather have my knife?"

Remus let out a strangled cry and said, "No! No, Fenrir, please don't-"

"Tell me which one you'd rather have; my knife, or my cock," Fenrir said quietly and pressed harder.

Remus just squeezed his eyes shut.

"Tell me," Fenrir said again, and pressed even harder.

Remus let out a gasp of pain and cried, "Your cock! Please, Fenrir please, just... stop-"

Fenrir chuckled and pulled the knife away. He glanced at Sirius and said, " What's the matter, Black? You look a little green. Here-" Sirius flinched violently as he threw the knife at him. It stuck, quivering, into the floor, inches from him. "You can have that, since Lupin doesn't want it." He looked back to Remus.

Sirius seized his chance and leaned to the side, stretching his fingers and pulling as hard as he could on the ropes. The tips of his fingers just barely wrapped around the handle, but he managed to pull it out of the floor. Quickly, but as inconspicuously as possible, Sirius began to saw at the ropes, and tried not to listen to the things Fenrir was saying. It didn't work.

"You have such a skinny ass, Lupin," Fenrir was saying. "I can't believe anyone ever wanted to fuck you. I can't believe _I _want to fuck you, but I do. I'm hard as a fucking rock. You can feel that, can't you?"

With the tiniest _snick_, the knife severed the rope tying Sirius' hands. Now for his feet...

"I want to drag this out a little bit," Fenrir said. "Don't want to come to quick. Maybe I should make you suck me off first. What do you think, Lupin?"

_Snick._ His feet were free. Sirius carefully pulled the tape off his mouth and glanced up to see that Fenrir had moved around the table to the other side. He had his cock in hand, and was guiding it to Remus' pursed lips.

Sirius snapped. He forgot about his wand, forgot about magic completely. He leapt up and tackled Fenrir to the ground, landing on top. For a while Sirius didn't even think. The only thing he knew was that he wanted to hit every inch on Fenrir he could reach, wanted to beat him into a bloody pulp. He'd caught Fenrir completely by surprise, so that was surprisingly easy to do. After a while Sirius noticed that Fenrir had stopped moving. He sat back, took a deep breath, and forced himself to concentrate. _Remus._ He had to get Remus out of there.

He turned to the table where Remus was still bound, and almost started crying. Remus was staring at him with wide eyes, trembling, and far too pale. Sirius pulled out his wand, flicked it, and the ropes tying Remus' hands hand feet slithered to the floor. Remus slid to the floor as well, before pushing himself up into a sitting position and hugging his knees to his chest.

Sirius hurriedly picked up the clothes scattered on the floor and crouched down next to him. "Remus?" he said quietly, and handed him his clothes. "Here. We need to leave before the others get back." Remus just nodded and took the clothes. He didn't look at him. He had a hard time getting dressed, he was trembling so badly. "Do you want some help?" Sirius asked.

Remus went very still, then asked softly, "You won't hurt me, will you?"

"No," Sirius said, shaking his head. That question broke his heart. "I won't hurt you."

"All right," Remus said exhaustedly, and let Sirius help him into his clothes.

Once Remus was dressed, Sirius gripped his arm firmly and disapparated. A moment later they were standing at the door to Sirius' apartment. Remus swayed a bit as Sirius opened the door. Sirius steadied him, lead him inside, and sat him on the couch.

"Can I fix the cut on your head?" Sirius asked, pulling out his wand. Remus just nodded, his eyes drooping, and Sirius had him cleaned and healed in a second. "Are you all right?"

"Tired," Remus said. "Been a shitty day, all in all."

Sirius let out a little laugh and helped Remus to his feet. "Let's get you to bed, then." He helped Remus up and followed him to the bedroom, ready to catch him if he were to fall. Without another word, Remus crawled into bed. Sirius hovered for a moment, unsure. He wanted to hold Remus, to make everything better, but Remus probably wanted some space-

"What are you doing?" Remus asked sleepily. "Come here." He held out a hand and Sirius took it. He crawled into bed beside him and snuggled up close. A few seconds later, Remus was asleep. Sirius watched him for a while, thinking about everything that had happened, about all the abysmally stupid things he'd done... They would have a lot to talk about tomorrow, but for now, he just wanted to sleep.


	32. Chapter 21 AU Version

CHAPTER 21

(AU version)

Remus woke up feeling warm, comfortable, safe. It was so nice that for a moment he ignored the little nagging in his head that told him that something was off. Not wrong, just off. The sun was streaming in through the window. The bed was soft beneath him. The chest he was using as a pillow rose and fell with hypnotic regularity, and the arm around him was warm-

He opened his eyes then. There shouldn't be anyone in bed with him. He'd been sleeping alone for a long time now. But there was someone there, and when he lifted his head, he saw that it was Sirius, and he was already awake.

"Good morning," Sirius said with a little smile.

Remus blinked. "Morning." What was going on?

"How are you feeling?"

When he stopped to consider that question, he remembered. He remembered Fenrir and his wolves catching him, beating him, stripping him... "All right." He laid his head back down on Sirius' chest and wrapped an arm around him. He'd wanted this for so long, to wake up next to Sirius. He'd thought it would never happen again, but that hadn't stopped him from having dreams about it. In a way those dreams were worse than the nightmares about Lucius and Fenrir; instead of waking up to relative relief he woke up to heartbreak. "Is this real?"

"Of course it is," Sirius said, sliding a hand up and down Remus' back. Remus didn't know what to say to that, so he just held Sirius tighter. "Would you like some breakfast?"

"No," Remus said. He was afraid to let go. "Just... Just stay here for a little while, please."

"Okay." His hand continued to slide up and down his back. Remus started to fall back asleep. It was so nice knowing that if he had a nightmare he wouldn't wake up alone...

"Remus?" Sirius asked quietly.

"Hm?"

"I am so sorry," he said, his voice breaking.

Remus squeezed his eyes shut tighter and sighed. "You really did tell them where I was, then?"

He felt Sirius nod.

Remus swallowed the tightness growing in his throat and asked, "Why?"

Sirius sighed. "Because, I... I thought..." He sighed again and Remus raised his head again to look at his face. He had an arm thrown over his eyes, and Remus could feel the shudder in every breath he took. "I was angry, and scared, and an absolute idiot... And I thought you were a Death Eater. I'm sorry, Remus." Sirius moved his arm and looked at him then, eyes wide and pleading and earnest. "You have to believe me, if I'd known the truth, if I'd known what they were going to try to do to you, I... I would've died before I told them anything, I swear."

"You thought I was a Death Eater?"

Sirius just nodded again, looking absolutely miserable.

"So... when you went to my apartment, did you go to spy on them?"

"No," he said firmly. "Things didn't and up and I felt too guilty. I went to go see if you were all right and when you weren't..."

Remus lowered his head again, though it was more to hide his face than to get closer to Sirius.

"Had they... hurt you like that before?" Sirius asked, for some odd reason refusing to say the word.

Remus buried his head in Sirius shoulder, feeling his eyes well up and his face burn. "Yes."

Sirius just held him tighter, and after a moment of heavy silence, asked, "So, you remember now?"

"Yes."

"Since when?"

"About a month ago. I had a nightmare and when I woke up..." he trailed off, not wanting to tell Sirius about the way he'd sobbed and screamed and wanted nothing more than Sirius there with him to tell him everything would be okay.

"I'm sorry I wasn't there," Sirius whispered. Apparently he didn't need to tell him anything at all. He'd always been good at sifting through the things Remus didn't quite say, at reading between the lines...

"Me too," Remus said. He didn't mean it to be cruel, it was just the truth.

"And I'm sorry for the things I said the night I kicked you out."

Remus remembered what he'd said. Those words seemed to hang over him constantly.

"Now that I know they... Now that I know what they did to you-" again, he couldn't seem to bring himself to say the word- "I realize that there was nothing I could've said that would have been crueler, or closer to the mark-" Remus flinched and tried to pull away, but Sirius just held him tighter. "I said 'closer to the mark' not 'closer to the truth', love." Remus just sighed and buried his face in Sirius' shoulder again, fighting back tears. "I didn't mean it. You know that, Remus. You know I didn't mean any of it."

"Then why did you say it?"

"Because I thought I had to break up with you. And I knew that if you argued with me, if you asked me to stop and talk about it, then I would never do what I had to. I had to break your heart, and the fact that I knew how to do it, and with... what they did to you... It makes me sick." His voice broke again.

"You kicked me out because you thought I was a Death Eater?" He felt Sirius nod and lifted his head again. "Why?" he asked indignantly. "Why did you think I would do that to you?"

"You wouldn't look at me. You wouldn't talk to me. You wouldn't touch me. You went on walks, but I didn't know where you went, or who you talked to. You disappeared for months, and then the Death Eaters found Lily and James a week after you showed up again. One night Peter tells me he saw you talking to Severus Snape at three o'clock in the morning. You..." He reached out and laid the palm of his hand against Remus' cheek. "You weren't the same Remus anymore."

Remus pulled away, sat up and swung his legs off the edge of the bed, turning his back to Sirius. "I'm still not the same Remus," he said. He hated the wretched, ashamed hunch in his shoulders, but it was there just the same.

Sirius sat up and hovered, but didn't touch him. "I know."

Remus felt the hot tears build in his eyes and flatly refused to let them fall.

"But now I know why, and I..." He put his hand on Remus' shoulder then and squeezed a little. "I still love you just as much."

Remus hesitated. "I don't want to have sex with you."

"I know," Sirius said, his voice starting to tremble. "I don't care. I just want to take care of you, love. I don't want you to hurt any more. Tell me what to do. What do you need? Tell me."

Remus turned and wrapped his arms around Sirius' shoulders, tucked his head under Sirius' chin. He loved this feeling, loved this man. Sirius had been stupid and cruel, but Remus couldn't find the strength to let him go. More importantly, he didn't want to. "Hold me, please. And when I wake up..."

Sirius nodded, once again hearing the words Remus couldn't say. He laid back down, taking Remus with him, and pulled the blanket over them. He sighed, heavy and sad, and when he said, "I love you, Remus," that sounded a little sad too, but Remus understood.

"I love you too."

A/N:

Hey there! So, a little update for you all, just to help me get back into the swing of things. I haven't been writing or reading very much of anything lately and it's a little depressing. Hopefully this'll help motivate me. What did you think? Are any of you even interested in an AU ending? This isn't the end, btw, updates for all my fics have just been few and far between lately. :(


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